Seems like only yesterday
my mother said to me,
"The ugliest thing in the world
is a naked man with socks on."
(Laughter)
Can you believe that was the first piece
of sex advice I ever received?
(Laughter)
I was 11 years old, growing up in Kenya,
and I believe this might have been
my mother's way of trying to scare me
out of having intimate
relationships with men.
It didn't.
(Laughter)
Instead, I became fascinated by sex.
I wanted to hear
other people's stories about sex
and watch all the movies
with all the sex scenes.
Everything about this very taboo subject
was so intriguing to me.
Well, now my mum's gone.
Nine years this year.
And true to her word,
the ugliest thing in the world
is a naked man with socks on.
(Laughter)
But over time, I have found things
to be far much uglier.
It took me a ton of therapy
to realize that my fixation with sex
was due to a traumatized childhood.
See, I was sexually assaulted
when I was eight years old.
And I never told anybody,
because even in my
comedic-sex-advice household,
I still didn't learn about consent.
And I was afraid.
Afraid that I would get into trouble.
Afraid that it was my fault
or that nobody would believe me.
Or, worse still,
afraid that my parents
would ground me forever.
And I'm not alone.
Men sexually assault women and girls
on a massive rate in Kenya,
where 45 percent of women
aged between 15 and 49
have reported either physical
or sexual violence.
Actually, only 14 percent
have reported sexual violence.
And this is possibly
because most of this violence
happens in domestic partnerships,
where the perpetrator
is known by the victim.
And these patterns play out
all around the world.
And I truly believe
that it's a lack
of sex education in schools
that is partially to blame.
Back home,
the education system is one
of destroying your relationship with self,
shaming you for your discovery
and then praising you
for how much you conform.
This, coupled with disturbing
imagery of ailing genitals,
is aimed at teaching us one thing:
to abstain from all sexual activity.
The perfect puritanical society.
But of course, young people
are still having sex.
They just don't understand
the consequences
of their adult-like choices.
This, too, was my experience.
I had zero resources growing up
and, unfortunately, often found myself
in less-than-favorable situations
as a teen and a young adult.
Add on to that coming out as a queer woman
in a very homophobic country.
My therapist once jokingly said
that I needed to pick a struggle.
(Laughter)
All of this is to say,
I really want to create a better
transition process for young people,
because I truly believe
that the more we talk about sex,
the safer and the better
it'll be for everybody.
(Applause)
So in 2016,
I started a sex-positive podcast
called "The Spread."
(Laughter)
Targeted at a pan-African audience.
I really wanted to create a safe space
where young people could openly talk
about different aspects of their sexuality
without feelings of shame or judgment.
And it turns out
people love to talk about sex.
(Laughter)
And I've had the great pleasure and honor
of answering a myriad of these questions
about sex on my podcast,
such as, "My boyfriend says
that if we have sex and it's my first time
and without a condom,
that I won't get pregnant.
Is this true?"
Of course it's not true.
Having sex without a condom poses
great risk of not only getting pregnant
but contracting STIs.
Or, “I watch too much porn,
and I'm no longer aroused by my partner.
Am I broken?"
No, you're not broken.
But too much porn can desensitize you
from real-life pleasures.
Or, "I'm 24 years old
and my friends make fun of me
because I'm a virgin.
Should I have sex
just to gain popularity?"
Absolutely not.
First of all, virginity
is a social construct.
And I think you should have
your sexual debut --
(Applause)
thank you --
when you’re good and ready to.
A lot of the time, we have a lot of fun
on the podcast, honestly.
But sometimes it does get
a little bit serious,
especially when it comes
to one topic in particular:
consent.
These are some of the questions I receive.
"My husband insists on having sex with me
even when I don't want to.
I've relayed my concerns.
He always responds with,
'You're my wife.
It's your place to do so.'
How do I prevent this from happening?"
Or, "I went out last night
and woke up this morning
next to the guy that was chatting me up.
I have no idea what happened,
but I think we had sex.
What should I do?"
It's conversations like these
that reinforce the fact
that people don't have the first clue
how to talk about consent.
So it's become my life's work
to create a curriculum
to educate young people on consent.
Now the inspiration for this
might surprise you,
but I got it in my 30s
after a visit to a BDSM dungeon.
(Laughter)
For those of you that don't know,
BDSM is a series of practices
and erotic role play
that involve bondage, discipline,
dominance and submission
and sadomasochism.
Now I know, a lot of people
have a lot of misleading information
about the BDSM community,
but more often than not,
we create and curate safe spaces
with an array of toys and items
for the kinky community to play with,
if they so please.
It's like a playground.
For adults.
(Laughter)
In BDSM, everything is negotiated
before it happens.
And these are some
of the rules and regulations
that would greet you upon entry.
One:
Do not touch anyone without asking.
Even a hug,
if you don't know somebody,
is a bad move without permission.
Two:
Do not touch anyone's toys
without permission.
If you're not sure
if something is a toy, ask.
Three:
Consent can be withdrawn
at any time during an activity.
And my personal favorite:
if consent is not given,
do not ask again.
Accept and respect a "no,"
as graciously as you would a "yes."
(Applause)
Now, in no way am I interested
in teaching children BDSM.
(Laughter)
But BDSM, a community
that is created strictly for adults
that people view
as shameful and dangerous,
has better guidelines
for learning about consent
than many homes or schools
in many parts of the world.
And like you've heard,
these rules aren't specifically sexual,
but they can apply to sex.
I truly think that the strategy
to raising adults
with healthy sexual behaviors
is to first teach kids about consent,
like, super early,
way before sex is even a topic
of conversation.
Can you imagine
having conversations with kids
and letting them know that everything
about their bodies can be negotiated?
For example,
let them decide who they want
to help them during bath time.
Or tell them
that they don't have to accept
that kiss on the cheek from grandma.
Or tell them that they
have to ask for a permission
before they play
with somebody else's toy truck.
And let them know that they can say,
"Actually my pronouns are they/them,"
without feeling guilty.
(Applause)
It's these tools that will help
keep our children safe
and respect people throughout their lives.
We have the power to shape the future.
The solutions are simple.
It's the patriarchy
that's so damn difficult.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
So let's engage five,
six or eight-year-olds
on conversation around consent
and bodily autonomy
as a function of affirming their humanity,
which in turn can look like adults
having safe, healthy,
pleasurable and fun sex.
Because consent isn't just about sex.
It's first about communication
and relationships.
Thank you.
(Applause)