How to pronounce "unpacking"

Transcriber:

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

The good news is I've done the research for you.

The bad news is that you might not like the answer.

[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]

See, a few years back,

a number of publications were touting a study

telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks to get over a breakup.

That's nearly three months spent listening to depressing music

while putting on a brave face.

It might feel longer than it is,

but it's only a few swipes on the calendar app.

No big deal, right?

Well, unfortunately, it's not so straightforward.

See, those articles drastically misrepresented that study.

In fact, the study never said anything

about how long it takes to get over a breakup.

It only focused on the aftereffects of ending a relationship,

specifically among undergrads,

which is a whole other can of worms.

To really answer that question

of how long it takes to get over a breakup,

you would need to do a longitudinal study,

a study that would basically follow a ton of people

from the moment of their breakup

and track their progress year after year after year.

But studies like that are expensive and complicated to carry out.

So with no adequate data,

I decided to seek professional help.

I went to couples therapists, Dr. Hod Tamir.

He has anecdotal experience with countless people in relationships

and, full disclosure, he was my couple’s therapist, too.

So I asked him how long he thinks it takes to get over a breakup.

"I don't think there is a magic number ...

If we feel like we can express ourselves in how we're feeling,

we don't have to keep it bottled up.

Once you're doing other things

that you're engaged with and distracted by,

then at some point you look back and like, 'Oh yeah, that's my ex.'

And you notice that the feelings that you have are not as raw.

You can bump into each other and not feel pain."

And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory.

One study looked at different strategies for love regulation.

In other words, can a few simple methods change how much you love someone?

The study found that when participants were distracted into thinking

about something other than their ex,

like, their favorite hobby or ideal career,

their love feelings for their ex stayed the same,

but it did make them feel more pleasant.

Using distractions to start to feel better is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested.

The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy,

essentially remembering all of the shit things your ex said and did,

does decrease love feelings for your ex.

But it also makes you feel "unpleasant,"

and I'm guessing that means sad.

Finally, a third, more zen strategy known as reappraisal of love feelings.

For this, participants had to muse over statements like

"Love is part of life"

and "It's OK to love someone I'm no longer with."

Yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.

Overall, the researchers concluded,

and I'm not using the scientific language here,

that concentrating on the bad things about your ex

can help you to feel less in love.

While distracting yourself with other subjects,

as my therapist suggested,

can actually make you feel better.

However, the research and Dr. Tamir would both tell you

that while distraction is good in the short term,

it is not a long-term solution.

"Taking that time to process and understand it

is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it."

Eventually, for the sake of ourselves and our future partners,

we're going to have to face up to our feelings.

So how long does it take to get over a breakup?

Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know.

But more importantly,

I’ve learned that instead of counting down the days,

we're much better off reconnecting with the things we love to do.

Finding something to distract us

and unpacking our feelings when we're ready.

If we can do all that,

then one day hopefully we'll come out of it feeling OK.

And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?