How to pronounce "smoother"

from a very young young age I began to

from a very young young age I began to

from a very young young age I began to realize that human connection is as

realize that human connection is as

realize that human connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace as it is

threatened by unhealthy peace as it is

threatened by unhealthy peace as it is by unhealthy conflict and I've learned

by unhealthy conflict and I've learned

by unhealthy conflict and I've learned uh Kicking and Screaming that actually

uh Kicking and Screaming that actually

uh Kicking and Screaming that actually learning to hold healthy heat isn't only

learning to hold healthy heat isn't only

learning to hold healthy heat isn't only good for communities and for groups and

good for communities and for groups and

good for communities and for groups and for friendships but is also a learnable

for friendships but is also a learnable

for friendships but is also a learnable skill and that in a group you can get

skill and that in a group you can get

skill and that in a group you can get better at this if you choose to

try this is how to be a better human I'm

try this is how to be a better human I'm

try this is how to be a better human I'm your host Chris Duffy today on the show

your host Chris Duffy today on the show

your host Chris Duffy today on the show we are talking about Gathering and to me

we are talking about Gathering and to me

we are talking about Gathering and to me one of the most generous things you can

one of the most generous things you can

one of the most generous things you can do is to bring people together um I've

do is to bring people together um I've

do is to bring people together um I've been to a few parties in my life that

been to a few parties in my life that

been to a few parties in my life that were so unique and special that I will

were so unique and special that I will

were so unique and special that I will never stop thinking about them one is my

never stop thinking about them one is my

never stop thinking about them one is my friend will had this dinner party where

friend will had this dinner party where

friend will had this dinner party where it was a soup party so everyone just

it was a soup party so everyone just

it was a soup party so everyone just brought different kinds of soup and the

brought different kinds of soup and the

brought different kinds of soup and the party ended by 8:00 p.m. so everyone was

party ended by 8:00 p.m. so everyone was

party ended by 8:00 p.m. so everyone was at home and in bed by 9:00 to me that

at home and in bed by 9:00 to me that

at home and in bed by 9:00 to me that was a truly perfect Gathering a an event

was a truly perfect Gathering a an event

was a truly perfect Gathering a an event that I can think of no flaws with now

that I can think of no flaws with now

that I can think of no flaws with now that might not be true for you maybe you

that might not be true for you maybe you

that might not be true for you maybe you hate the idea of a soup party but as

hate the idea of a soup party but as

hate the idea of a soup party but as you're going to see in today's episode

you're going to see in today's episode

you're going to see in today's episode uh the perfect Gathering isn't something

uh the perfect Gathering isn't something

uh the perfect Gathering isn't something that's right for everyone it's something

that's right for everyone it's something

that's right for everyone it's something that's just right for you to guide us

that's just right for you to guide us

that's just right for you to guide us through Gatherings we have priia Parker

through Gatherings we have priia Parker

through Gatherings we have priia Parker the author of The Art of gathering and

the author of The Art of gathering and

the author of The Art of gathering and here's a clip from Prius Ted talk

here's a clip from Prius Ted talk

here's a clip from Prius Ted talk whether I was facilitating dialogues in

whether I was facilitating dialogues in

whether I was facilitating dialogues in Charlottesville or Istanbul or Amad the

Charlottesville or Istanbul or Amad the

Charlottesville or Istanbul or Amad the challenge was always the

challenge was always the

challenge was always the same Despite All Odds and with integrity

same Despite All Odds and with integrity

same Despite All Odds and with integrity how do you get people to connect

how do you get people to connect

how do you get people to connect meaningfully to take risks to be changed

meaningfully to take risks to be changed

meaningfully to take risks to be changed by their

by their

by their experience and I would witness

experience and I would witness

experience and I would witness extraordinarily beautiful electricity in

extraordinarily beautiful electricity in

extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms and then I would leave those

those rooms and then I would leave those

those rooms and then I would leave those rooms and attend my everyday Gatherings

rooms and attend my everyday Gatherings

rooms and attend my everyday Gatherings like all of you a wedding or conference

like all of you a wedding or conference

like all of you a wedding or conference or a back to school picnic and many

or a back to school picnic and many

or a back to school picnic and many would fall

would fall

would fall flat there was a meaning gap between

flat there was a meaning gap between

flat there was a meaning gap between these high-intensity conflict groups and

these high-intensity conflict groups and

these high-intensity conflict groups and my everyday

my everyday

my everyday Gatherings now you could say sure

Gatherings now you could say sure

Gatherings now you could say sure somebody's birthday party isn't going to

somebody's birthday party isn't going to

somebody's birthday party isn't going to live up to a race dialogue but that's

live up to a race dialogue but that's

live up to a race dialogue but that's not what I was responding

not what I was responding

not what I was responding to as a facilitator you're taught to

to as a facilitator you're taught to

to as a facilitator you're taught to strip everything away and focus on the

strip everything away and focus on the

strip everything away and focus on the interaction between people whereas

interaction between people whereas

interaction between people whereas everyday hosts focus on getting the

everyday hosts focus on getting the

everyday hosts focus on getting the things right the food the flowers the

things right the food the flowers the

things right the food the flowers the fish knives and leave the interaction

fish knives and leave the interaction

fish knives and leave the interaction between people largely to

between people largely to

between people largely to chance so I began to wonder how we might

chance so I began to wonder how we might

chance so I began to wonder how we might change our everyday Gatherings to focus

change our everyday Gatherings to focus

change our everyday Gatherings to focus on making meaning by human connection

on making meaning by human connection

on making meaning by human connection not obsessing with the

not obsessing with the

not obsessing with the canipes hi there I am Pria Parker I am

canipes hi there I am Pria Parker I am

canipes hi there I am Pria Parker I am best known for my book The Art of

best known for my book The Art of

best known for my book The Art of gathering how we meet and why it matters

gathering how we meet and why it matters

gathering how we meet and why it matters I'm also a facilitator a strategic

I'm also a facilitator a strategic

I'm also a facilitator a strategic adviser and host of The Art of gathering

adviser and host of The Art of gathering

adviser and host of The Art of gathering digital course it feels like the

digital course it feels like the

digital course it feels like the beginning of the year is a time when a

beginning of the year is a time when a

beginning of the year is a time when a lot of people are thinking about putting

lot of people are thinking about putting

lot of people are thinking about putting new habits and routines into place and a

new habits and routines into place and a

new habits and routines into place and a lot of people are thinking about wanting

lot of people are thinking about wanting

lot of people are thinking about wanting community and wanting connection with

community and wanting connection with

community and wanting connection with people so are there special ways that we

people so are there special ways that we

people so are there special ways that we should be thinking about Gathering and

should be thinking about Gathering and

should be thinking about Gathering and planning for gatherings in the beginning

planning for gatherings in the beginning

planning for gatherings in the beginning of the year that can make it last all

of the year that can make it last all

of the year that can make it last all the way to the end of the year

the way to the end of the year

the way to the end of the year fortunately most of us whether we think

fortunately most of us whether we think

fortunately most of us whether we think about it at or not are gathering all the

about it at or not are gathering all the

about it at or not are gathering all the time anyway We Gather in our classrooms

time anyway We Gather in our classrooms

time anyway We Gather in our classrooms we GA Gather in our workplaces remote or

we GA Gather in our workplaces remote or

we GA Gather in our workplaces remote or in person We Gather to celebrate to

in person We Gather to celebrate to

in person We Gather to celebrate to witness people getting married to to

witness people getting married to to

witness people getting married to to mourn to vote

mourn to vote

mourn to vote to dance it all off and part of what is

to dance it all off and part of what is

to dance it all off and part of what is unique about Gathering is that it's

unique about Gathering is that it's

unique about Gathering is that it's something that we've been doing since

something that we've been doing since

something that we've been doing since time and Memorial but so often the ways

time and Memorial but so often the ways

time and Memorial but so often the ways in which we are gathering are no longer

in which we are gathering are no longer

in which we are gathering are no longer serving us and it is a learnable skill

serving us and it is a learnable skill

serving us and it is a learnable skill to make the time that you spend with

to make the time that you spend with

to make the time that you spend with other people better more meaningful and

other people better more meaningful and

other people better more meaningful and sometimes that means actually Gathering

sometimes that means actually Gathering

sometimes that means actually Gathering less sometimes in our workplaces we need

less sometimes in our workplaces we need

less sometimes in our workplaces we need to be meeting less not more often it

to be meeting less not more often it

to be meeting less not more often it simply means actually to pause and ask

simply means actually to pause and ask

simply means actually to pause and ask this very simple but also radical

this very simple but also radical

this very simple but also radical question which is at the end of the day

question which is at the end of the day

question which is at the end of the day how do I want to be spending my time and

how do I want to be spending my time and

how do I want to be spending my time and with whom I've heard a lot of people

with whom I've heard a lot of people

with whom I've heard a lot of people talk about how if you want to like

talk about how if you want to like

talk about how if you want to like predict the kind of person you're going

predict the kind of person you're going

predict the kind of person you're going to be or what's going to happen in your

to be or what's going to happen in your

to be or what's going to happen in your life or you know um what your

life or you know um what your

life or you know um what your professional successes are going to look

professional successes are going to look

professional successes are going to look like the the best predictor is to look

like the the best predictor is to look

like the the best predictor is to look at the people who you spend the most

at the people who you spend the most

at the people who you spend the most time with who who do we want to be in

time with who who do we want to be in

time with who who do we want to be in our Circle who do we want to have

our Circle who do we want to have

our Circle who do we want to have influence us and I think sometimes we

influence us and I think sometimes we

influence us and I think sometimes we don't think about it like that like who

don't think about it like that like who

don't think about it like that like who do we want to be more like because

do we want to be more like because

do we want to be more like because they're going to have an influence on us

they're going to have an influence on us

they're going to have an influence on us that we're not totally aware of in the

that we're not totally aware of in the

that we're not totally aware of in the moment so at the at the deepest level

moment so at the at the deepest level

moment so at the at the deepest level and it's not to say you

and it's not to say you

and it's not to say you know all of friendship is

know all of friendship is

know all of friendship is strategic it's actually saying something

strategic it's actually saying something

strategic it's actually saying something slightly different which is that in

slightly different which is that in

slightly different which is that in modern life unlike our ancestors we have

modern life unlike our ancestors we have

modern life unlike our ancestors we have the beautiful and terrifying opportunity

the beautiful and terrifying opportunity

the beautiful and terrifying opportunity to at some deep level choose who we pray

to at some deep level choose who we pray

to at some deep level choose who we pray with or or don't Who We Dine with or

with or or don't Who We Dine with or

with or or don't Who We Dine with or don't the majority of us are living with

don't the majority of us are living with

don't the majority of us are living with being neighbors with working with weding

being neighbors with working with weding

being neighbors with working with weding people who are different from us in some

people who are different from us in some

people who are different from us in some way shape or form and So within that

way shape or form and So within that

way shape or form and So within that level of choice what are the what are

level of choice what are the what are

level of choice what are the what are the values of the people that you spend

the values of the people that you spend

the values of the people that you spend time with what are they what are they

time with what are they what are they

time with what are they what are they competing over right I often I have a

competing over right I often I have a

competing over right I often I have a friend who says you know she was she was

friend who says you know she was she was

friend who says you know she was she was talking about um she was talking about a

talking about um she was talking about a

talking about um she was talking about a person and she said you know you know

person and she said you know you know

person and she said you know you know part of her confusion is she doesn't

part of her confusion is she doesn't

part of her confusion is she doesn't know who her Joneses

know who her Joneses

know who her Joneses are and I said what what do you mean by

are and I said what what do you mean by

are and I said what what do you mean by that and she said well everybody has

that and she said well everybody has

that and she said well everybody has Joneses you know that old saying like

Joneses you know that old saying like

Joneses you know that old saying like keeping up with the Joneses you can't

keeping up with the Joneses you can't

keeping up with the Joneses you can't apparently escape the Joneses but you

apparently escape the Joneses but you

apparently escape the Joneses but you can decide who they are and at some deep

can decide who they are and at some deep

can decide who they are and at some deep sociological simple banal level every

sociological simple banal level every

sociological simple banal level every set of group has its values has its

set of group has its values has its

set of group has its values has its Norms has the things that they compete

Norms has the things that they compete

Norms has the things that they compete over has a thing that make them laugh

over has a thing that make them laugh

over has a thing that make them laugh and at some deep level to begin to pause

and at some deep level to begin to pause

and at some deep level to begin to pause and ask who do I want to be my Jones's I

and ask who do I want to be my Jones's I

and ask who do I want to be my Jones's I I certainly am not going to ask you to

I certainly am not going to ask you to

I certainly am not going to ask you to like name a person right that that would

like name a person right that that would

like name a person right that that would be cruel but I am curious that's the B

be cruel but I am curious that's the B

be cruel but I am curious that's the B side of this podcast yeah yeah yeah but

side of this podcast yeah yeah yeah but

side of this podcast yeah yeah yeah but like who are some people where you're

like who are some people where you're

like who are some people where you're like I don't want these to be my Joneses

like I don't want these to be my Joneses

like I don't want these to be my Joneses one way that I would frame it is like I

one way that I would frame it is like I

one way that I would frame it is like I like that my people around me are when

like that my people around me are when

like that my people around me are when we have like dinner together we're

we have like dinner together we're

we have like dinner together we're bringing Maybe not the best looking but

bringing Maybe not the best looking but

bringing Maybe not the best looking but like a home-cooked meal rather than

like a home-cooked meal rather than

like a home-cooked meal rather than buying some sort of really fancy

buying some sort of really fancy

buying some sort of really fancy expensive takeout and bringing that over

expensive takeout and bringing that over

expensive takeout and bringing that over to someone else's house and that's not

to someone else's house and that's not

to someone else's house and that's not to say that look if you love fancy

to say that look if you love fancy

to say that look if you love fancy takeout good for you but for me I'm glad

takeout good for you but for me I'm glad

takeout good for you but for me I'm glad that I come home to people who are like

that I come home to people who are like

that I come home to people who are like maybe we'll just make some pasta you

maybe we'll just make some pasta you

maybe we'll just make some pasta you know I you know groups have shared

know I you know groups have shared

know I you know groups have shared questions and I'm a conflict resolution

questions and I'm a conflict resolution

questions and I'm a conflict resolution facilitator and I work I work with

facilitator and I work I work with

facilitator and I work I work with groups I work with groups that are

groups I work with groups that are

groups I work with groups that are experiencing some kind of transition or

experiencing some kind of transition or

experiencing some kind of transition or crisis and help them have the

crisis and help them have the

crisis and help them have the conversations that they been kind of

conversations that they been kind of

conversations that they been kind of avoiding avoiding having and one of the

avoiding avoiding having and one of the

avoiding avoiding having and one of the things that I find over and over again

things that I find over and over again

things that I find over and over again is that groups are relevant to the

is that groups are relevant to the

is that groups are relevant to the people in them when they share the same

people in them when they share the same

people in them when they share the same questions so for example the question

questions so for example the question

questions so for example the question might be in one group um how do I make

might be in one group um how do I make

might be in one group um how do I make the best arabat pasta known to man and

the best arabat pasta known to man and

the best arabat pasta known to man and in another group it might mean in a

in another group it might mean in a

in another group it might mean in a church for example what does closeness

church for example what does closeness

church for example what does closeness to God look like and part of part of the

to God look like and part of part of the

to God look like and part of part of the opportunity and you you know at

opportunity and you you know at

opportunity and you you know at different moments in life we we choose

different moments in life we we choose

different moments in life we we choose the groups that we are a part of and

the groups that we are a part of and

the groups that we are a part of and there but there are moments of

there but there are moments of

there but there are moments of transition often at least in the US

transition often at least in the US

transition often at least in the US after college or you know during college

after college or you know during college

after college or you know during college or at the kind of quarter life what's

or at the kind of quarter life what's

or at the kind of quarter life what's that currently called the quarter life

that currently called the quarter life

that currently called the quarter life crisis you know 25 like who are my

crisis you know 25 like who are my

crisis you know 25 like who are my people who do I want my people to be

people who do I want my people to be

people who do I want my people to be like even if you think about your job

like even if you think about your job

like even if you think about your job like what are the organizations if I

like what are the organizations if I

like what are the organizations if I enter an organization if I enter a a

enter an organization if I enter a a

enter an organization if I enter a a tech company if I enter a art studio if

tech company if I enter a art studio if

tech company if I enter a art studio if I enter a museum at the simplest level

I enter a museum at the simplest level

I enter a museum at the simplest level it's like groups carry implicit or

it's like groups carry implicit or

it's like groups carry implicit or explicit questions and as you are

explicit questions and as you are

explicit questions and as you are starting to navigate the groups of your

starting to navigate the groups of your

starting to navigate the groups of your life to think about is this how I want

life to think about is this how I want

life to think about is this how I want to be spending my time I don't know I'm

to be spending my time I don't know I'm

to be spending my time I don't know I'm I'm kind of talking you know live here

I'm kind of talking you know live here

I'm kind of talking you know live here but do I want to

but do I want to

but do I want to be

be

be thinking

thinking

thinking obsessively like about like the shape of

obsessively like about like the shape of

obsessively like about like the shape of a caller in this season's fashion show

a caller in this season's fashion show

a caller in this season's fashion show right for some people the answer is yes

right for some people the answer is yes

right for some people the answer is yes I absolutely want to be thinking about

I absolutely want to be thinking about

I absolutely want to be thinking about that shape and I've been thinking about

that shape and I've been thinking about

that shape and I've been thinking about how the collar shape has changed over

how the collar shape has changed over

how the collar shape has changed over 250 years and I finally found my people

250 years and I finally found my people

250 years and I finally found my people right or do I want to be thinking about

right or do I want to be thinking about

right or do I want to be thinking about like the nature of a changing democracy

like the nature of a changing democracy

like the nature of a changing democracy or do I want to be thinking about like

or do I want to be thinking about like

or do I want to be thinking about like Pez dispensers and like 80s rock bands I

Pez dispensers and like 80s rock bands I

Pez dispensers and like 80s rock bands I I I you know at some deep level when you

I I you know at some deep level when you

I I you know at some deep level when you long-term communities start to have

long-term communities start to have

long-term communities start to have shared questions and contentment in

shared questions and contentment in

shared questions and contentment in group life is when their questions are

group life is when their questions are

group life is when their questions are also the questions you carry it's really

also the questions you carry it's really

also the questions you carry it's really interesting that you frame it as share

interesting that you frame it as share

interesting that you frame it as share sh questions and not shared values which

sh questions and not shared values which

sh questions and not shared values which I know sometimes people talk about in

I know sometimes people talk about in

I know sometimes people talk about in groups um I feel like that's intentional

groups um I feel like that's intentional

groups um I feel like that's intentional you know I am currently working on my

you know I am currently working on my

you know I am currently working on my next book and part of what I'm looking

next book and part of what I'm looking

next book and part of what I'm looking at is looking at long-term sustainable

at is looking at long-term sustainable

at is looking at long-term sustainable communities particularly across

communities particularly across

communities particularly across difference and again in traditional

difference and again in traditional

difference and again in traditional communities our values at some level are

communities our values at some level are

communities our values at some level are passed down right my my great

passed down right my my great

passed down right my my great grandmother's values my

grandmother's values my

grandmother's values my great-grandfather's values are perhaps

great-grandfather's values are perhaps

great-grandfather's values are perhaps the same values as as mine or I've been

the same values as as mine or I've been

the same values as as mine or I've been told they should be and part of Modern

told they should be and part of Modern

told they should be and part of Modern Life is we can enter and exit as many

Life is we can enter and exit as many

Life is we can enter and exit as many communities as you want it's never been

communities as you want it's never been

communities as you want it's never been easier to exit a church or synagogue or

easier to exit a church or synagogue or

easier to exit a church or synagogue or mosque it's never been easier to exit a

mosque it's never been easier to exit a

mosque it's never been easier to exit a friendship or a marriage and so part of

friendship or a marriage and so part of

friendship or a marriage and so part of what ends up becoming interesting and

what ends up becoming interesting and

what ends up becoming interesting and sustainable is when the way a group

sustainable is when the way a group

sustainable is when the way a group spends its times or the questions that

spends its times or the questions that

spends its times or the questions that it asks and yes under underlying values

it asks and yes under underlying values

it asks and yes under underlying values are absolutely a part of it but give

are absolutely a part of it but give

are absolutely a part of it but give kind of a forward momentum they're they

kind of a forward momentum they're they

kind of a forward momentum they're they they they they they give a spark and a

they they they they give a spark and a

they they they they give a spark and a life um that is the opposite of flat

life um that is the opposite of flat

life um that is the opposite of flat they allow people to kind of know what

they allow people to kind of know what

they allow people to kind of know what the collective project is um I remember

the collective project is um I remember

the collective project is um I remember years ago hearing David Brooks speak and

years ago hearing David Brooks speak and

years ago hearing David Brooks speak and he said no question worthy of pursuit is

he said no question worthy of pursuit is

he said no question worthy of pursuit is answerable in a

answerable in a

answerable in a lifetime and I'm a facilitator I think

lifetime and I'm a facilitator I think

lifetime and I'm a facilitator I think of my core craft like the thing that I

of my core craft like the thing that I

of my core craft like the thing that I have been working on for the last 25

have been working on for the last 25

have been working on for the last 25 years is how do you create and structure

years is how do you create and structure

years is how do you create and structure a conversation within a room that people

a conversation within a room that people

a conversation within a room that people are trying to avoid but know that they

are trying to avoid but know that they

are trying to avoid but know that they need to have how do you do it in a way

need to have how do you do it in a way

need to have how do you do it in a way that creates breakthrough that to me is

that creates breakthrough that to me is

that creates breakthrough that to me is a question worthy of pursuit I I really

a question worthy of pursuit I I really

a question worthy of pursuit I I really loved your book um the art of gathering

loved your book um the art of gathering

loved your book um the art of gathering I thought was

I thought was

I thought was so it both is is philosophical but it's

so it both is is philosophical but it's

so it both is is philosophical but it's also very very practical and you already

also very very practical and you already

also very very practical and you already brought up how you um have have worked

brought up how you um have have worked

brought up how you um have have worked in conflict resolution you've worked all

in conflict resolution you've worked all

in conflict resolution you've worked all over the world you've worked in in

over the world you've worked in in

over the world you've worked in in Zimbabwe you've worked in the United

Zimbabwe you've worked in the United

Zimbabwe you've worked in the United States you've worked in the Middle East

States you've worked in the Middle East

States you've worked in the Middle East um something that I thought that I

um something that I thought that I

um something that I thought that I hadn't really heard about before is the

hadn't really heard about before is the

hadn't really heard about before is the idea that obviously we know there can be

idea that obviously we know there can be

idea that obviously we know there can be unhealthy conflict but that there can

unhealthy conflict but that there can

unhealthy conflict but that there can also be unhealthy peace um can you talk

also be unhealthy peace um can you talk

also be unhealthy peace um can you talk about that I'm I'm biracial I'm

about that I'm I'm biracial I'm

about that I'm I'm biracial I'm bicultural my my mother's Indian my

bicultural my my mother's Indian my

bicultural my my mother's Indian my father is white American when they

father is white American when they

father is white American when they announced their separation everyone was

announced their separation everyone was

announced their separation everyone was shocked because they never fought how

shocked because they never fought how

shocked because they never fought how could these people getting in divorce

could these people getting in divorce

could these people getting in divorce they don't fight and from a very young

they don't fight and from a very young

they don't fight and from a very young young age I began to realize that human

young age I began to realize that human

young age I began to realize that human connection is as threatened by unhealthy

connection is as threatened by unhealthy

connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace as it is by unhealthy conflict and

peace as it is by unhealthy conflict and

peace as it is by unhealthy conflict and you know I know that I'm a conflict

you know I know that I'm a conflict

you know I know that I'm a conflict averse conflict resolution

averse conflict resolution

averse conflict resolution facilitator so like to this day right 20

facilitator so like to this day right 20

facilitator so like to this day right 20 years 25 years into this when when the

years 25 years into this when when the

years 25 years into this when when the kind of you know things start getting

kind of you know things start getting

kind of you know things start getting heated my Palms sweat my heart starts

heated my Palms sweat my heart starts

heated my Palms sweat my heart starts beating and I know now know my body

beating and I know now know my body

beating and I know now know my body wants to flee and and I think one of the

wants to flee and and I think one of the

wants to flee and and I think one of the reasons I'm a relatively effective

reasons I'm a relatively effective

reasons I'm a relatively effective facilitator is because I have deep

facilitator is because I have deep

facilitator is because I have deep empathy for the people in the room who

empathy for the people in the room who

empathy for the people in the room who also want a Jet right who also like get

also want a Jet right who also like get

also want a Jet right who also like get get me out of here I've learned uh

get me out of here I've learned uh

get me out of here I've learned uh Kicking and Screaming that actually

Kicking and Screaming that actually

Kicking and Screaming that actually learning to hold health healthy heat

learning to hold health healthy heat

learning to hold health healthy heat isn't only good for communities and for

isn't only good for communities and for

isn't only good for communities and for groups and for friendships but is also a

groups and for friendships but is also a

groups and for friendships but is also a learnable skill and that in a group you

learnable skill and that in a group you

learnable skill and that in a group you can get better at this if you choose to

can get better at this if you choose to

can get better at this if you choose to try what would some of the first steps

try what would some of the first steps

try what would some of the first steps to um get better at holding healthy heat

to um get better at holding healthy heat

to um get better at holding healthy heat be what would you suggest for someone

be what would you suggest for someone

be what would you suggest for someone who's listening so first is to start

who's listening so first is to start

who's listening so first is to start becoming aware to be observant uh of

becoming aware to be observant uh of

becoming aware to be observant uh of your own conflict style are you conflict

your own conflict style are you conflict

your own conflict style are you conflict diverse are you conflict seeking

diverse are you conflict seeking

diverse are you conflict seeking sometimes I use the language are you a

sometimes I use the language are you a

sometimes I use the language are you a smoother over or a pie maker people come

smoother over or a pie maker people come

smoother over or a pie maker people come to you to kind of like cool things down

to you to kind of like cool things down

to you to kind of like cool things down or bring things together or are you more

or bring things together or are you more

or bring things together or are you more of like a poker or prodder or a

of like a poker or prodder or a

of like a poker or prodder or a troublemaker Chris do you feel like you

troublemaker Chris do you feel like you

troublemaker Chris do you feel like you know yours oh sir I'm 100% conflict

know yours oh sir I'm 100% conflict

know yours oh sir I'm 100% conflict diverse smoother over Peacemaker like

diverse smoother over Peacemaker like

diverse smoother over Peacemaker like that is C and also that's why I got into

that is C and also that's why I got into

that is C and also that's why I got into comedy too is like if I can make you

comedy too is like if I can make you

comedy too is like if I can make you laugh then we're all having fun the the

laugh then we're all having fun the the

laugh then we're all having fun the the tension has been the I've pierced the

tension has been the I've pierced the

tension has been the I've pierced the bubble of the attention and we let it

bubble of the attention and we let it

bubble of the attention and we let it out with a laugh totally for sure that

out with a laugh totally for sure that

out with a laugh totally for sure that is me that's amazing well so many

is me that's amazing well so many

is me that's amazing well so many studies actually show that one of the

studies actually show that one of the

studies actually show that one of the most powerful forms of of being able to

most powerful forms of of being able to

most powerful forms of of being able to hold healthy heat can you guess is humor

hold healthy heat can you guess is humor

hold healthy heat can you guess is humor could be yeah I believe that it's humor

could be yeah I believe that it's humor

could be yeah I believe that it's humor there was a study that showed um when

there was a study that showed um when

there was a study that showed um when they that there was a there was a woman

they that there was a there was a woman

they that there was a there was a woman who could predict astronaut teams that

who could predict astronaut teams that

who could predict astronaut teams that were you know n at Nasa whether or not

were you know n at Nasa whether or not

were you know n at Nasa whether or not they'd they'd be effective and the

they'd they'd be effective and the

they'd they'd be effective and the number one quality was humor mhm

number one quality was humor mhm

number one quality was humor mhm interesting I'll tell you I'd be the

interesting I'll tell you I'd be the

interesting I'll tell you I'd be the least effective astronaut of all time

least effective astronaut of all time

least effective astronaut of all time they would have a great time as I was

they would have a great time as I was

they would have a great time as I was vomiting in space but it would really be

vomiting in space but it would really be

vomiting in space but it would really be I would not be someone you want to go to

I would not be someone you want to go to

I would not be someone you want to go to space your joke would be the social

space your joke would be the social

space your joke would be the social lubricant of them not killing each other

lubricant of them not killing each other

lubricant of them not killing each other yeah they really quickly shoot me out

yeah they really quickly shoot me out

yeah they really quickly shoot me out through the air lock but in the moments

through the air lock but in the moments

through the air lock but in the moments before they did that I would definitely

before they did that I would definitely

before they did that I would definitely be having clap yeah exactly I mean humor

be having clap yeah exactly I mean humor

be having clap yeah exactly I mean humor is actually an amazing way in to holding

is actually an amazing way in to holding

is actually an amazing way in to holding healthy heat and and and and as you know

healthy heat and and and and as you know

healthy heat and and and and as you know as a comedian it's actually a learnable

as a comedian it's actually a learnable

as a comedian it's actually a learnable skill so know your conflict style become

skill so know your conflict style become

skill so know your conflict style become a comedian like Chris um and then third

a comedian like Chris um and then third

a comedian like Chris um and then third is starting to build the muscles

is starting to build the muscles

is starting to build the muscles particularly within a group conflict is

particularly within a group conflict is

particularly within a group conflict is deeply deeply cultural there's there

deeply deeply cultural there's there

deeply deeply cultural there's there there are societies that are conflict

there are societies that are conflict

there are societies that are conflict seeking and there are societies that are

seeking and there are societies that are

seeking and there are societies that are conflict diverse and one of the core

conflict diverse and one of the core

conflict diverse and one of the core principles between those that are able

principles between those that are able

principles between those that are able to have conversations like these are the

to have conversations like these are the

to have conversations like these are the ones that separate people's

ones that separate people's

ones that separate people's opinions from theirselves but within

opinions from theirselves but within

opinions from theirselves but within again friend groups within within teams

again friend groups within within teams

again friend groups within within teams of of in the workplaces you can actually

of of in the workplaces you can actually

of of in the workplaces you can actually create intentional cultures of healthy

create intentional cultures of healthy

create intentional cultures of healthy heat there are two other ideas that I've

heat there are two other ideas that I've

heat there are two other ideas that I've heard you discuss before that I have

heard you discuss before that I have

heard you discuss before that I have really stuck with me and this feels very

really stuck with me and this feels very

really stuck with me and this feels very related to but one is as you're creating

related to but one is as you're creating

related to but one is as you're creating the the format or the structure

the the format or the structure

the the format or the structure especially when you're dealing with

especially when you're dealing with

especially when you're dealing with something like heat that can you know

something like heat that can you know

something like heat that can you know too much can feel dangerous and too

too much can feel dangerous and too

too much can feel dangerous and too little feels unproductive I've heard you

little feels unproductive I've heard you

little feels unproductive I've heard you talk about this idea that as a host you

talk about this idea that as a host you

talk about this idea that as a host you want to have generous Authority whatever

want to have generous Authority whatever

want to have generous Authority whatever happens is going to happen that you

happens is going to happen that you

happens is going to happen that you actually it is more generous to take

actually it is more generous to take

actually it is more generous to take charge um so what does that look like in

charge um so what does that look like in

charge um so what does that look like in practice so the biggest mistake we we

practice so the biggest mistake we we

practice so the biggest mistake we we make When We Gather is we assume that

make When We Gather is we assume that

make When We Gather is we assume that the purpose is obvious

the purpose is obvious

the purpose is obvious and shared yeah oh I know what a

and shared yeah oh I know what a

and shared yeah oh I know what a birthday party is I know what a staff

birthday party is I know what a staff

birthday party is I know what a staff meeting is I know what a wedding is

meeting is I know what a wedding is

meeting is I know what a wedding is right because we don't pause to actually

right because we don't pause to actually

right because we don't pause to actually ask why are we doing this what is the

ask why are we doing this what is the

ask why are we doing this what is the purpose why are we getting married we

purpose why are we getting married we

purpose why are we getting married we should ask that first why are we having

should ask that first why are we having

should ask that first why are we having a wedding we we we tend to repeat old

a wedding we we we tend to repeat old

a wedding we we we tend to repeat old forms and the biggest shift if you you

forms and the biggest shift if you you

forms and the biggest shift if you you remember nothing else from this

remember nothing else from this

remember nothing else from this conversation is to first ask

conversation is to first ask

conversation is to first ask particularly when it seems totally

particularly when it seems totally

particularly when it seems totally obvious why are we doing this what is

obvious why are we doing this what is

obvious why are we doing this what is the need here right if I'm turning 37 or

the need here right if I'm turning 37 or

the need here right if I'm turning 37 or 47 or 67 what is it in this moment in

47 or 67 what is it in this moment in

47 or 67 what is it in this moment in life in my life what's a need in my life

life in my life what's a need in my life

life in my life what's a need in my life that I might be able to address by

that I might be able to address by

that I might be able to address by bringing together other people is it

bringing together other people is it

bringing together other people is it Adventure is it curiosity is it

Adventure is it curiosity is it

Adventure is it curiosity is it Nostalgia is it feeling a sense of

Nostalgia is it feeling a sense of

Nostalgia is it feeling a sense of loneliness those are actually different

loneliness those are actually different

loneliness those are actually different formations of a party and part of the

formations of a party and part of the

formations of a party and part of the role of a host in Modern Life is

role of a host in Modern Life is

role of a host in Modern Life is particularly if you have if you're

particularly if you have if you're

particularly if you have if you're creating a sharper Gathering you're

creating a sharper Gathering you're

creating a sharper Gathering you're creating a gathering that might be a

creating a gathering that might be a

creating a gathering that might be a pickle ball tournament for people who

pickle ball tournament for people who

pickle ball tournament for people who have never played pickle ball before or

have never played pickle ball before or

have never played pickle ball before or a rave you know fill in the blank you

a rave you know fill in the blank you

a rave you know fill in the blank you need to really actually help people on

need to really actually help people on

need to really actually help people on board to begin to understand what that

board to begin to understand what that

board to begin to understand what that is and a good host you know Gathering

is and a good host you know Gathering

is and a good host you know Gathering isn't just about connection and love it

isn't just about connection and love it

isn't just about connection and love it is but it's also about power it is the

is but it's also about power it is the

is but it's also about power it is the radical decision to say I think a

radical decision to say I think a

radical decision to say I think a certain group of people should spend

certain group of people should spend

certain group of people should spend their time in a very specific way are

their time in a very specific way are

their time in a very specific way are you are you on board so a good host

you are you on board so a good host

you are you on board so a good host practices what I call generous Authority

practices what I call generous Authority

practices what I call generous Authority and that is using your power for the

and that is using your power for the

and that is using your power for the good of the group to help it achieve its

good of the group to help it achieve its

good of the group to help it achieve its purpose

purpose

purpose and so often we we we abdicate our role

and so often we we we abdicate our role

and so often we we we abdicate our role as hosts because we don't want to impose

as hosts because we don't want to impose

as hosts because we don't want to impose on each other but when you actually have

on each other but when you actually have

on each other but when you actually have a specific a specific idea then to

a specific a specific idea then to

a specific a specific idea then to actually help people understand what is

actually help people understand what is

actually help people understand what is that world that you're building and how

that world that you're building and how

that world that you're building and how do I be successful there you need to

do I be successful there you need to

do I be successful there you need to actually help protect people from each

actually help protect people from each

actually help protect people from each other connect them to each other and to

other connect them to each other and to

other connect them to each other and to the purpose and temporarily equalize

the purpose and temporarily equalize

the purpose and temporarily equalize them and to do that before anyone enters

them and to do that before anyone enters

them and to do that before anyone enters the room so generous Authority isn't

the room so generous Authority isn't

the room so generous Authority isn't like having people come in and be like

like having people come in and be like

like having people come in and be like this is what's this the hell is going to

this is what's this the hell is going to

this is what's this the hell is going to go it's actually pausing well before and

go it's actually pausing well before and

go it's actually pausing well before and beginning to think like okay what is a

beginning to think like okay what is a

beginning to think like okay what is a need in my life how do I actually begin

need in my life how do I actually begin

need in my life how do I actually begin to how do I begin to tell a story that

to how do I begin to tell a story that

to how do I begin to tell a story that invites people it's very simple way of

invites people it's very simple way of

invites people it's very simple way of of thinking about it is host a gathering

of thinking about it is host a gathering

of thinking about it is host a gathering you want to attend but then bring people

you want to attend but then bring people

you want to attend but then bring people along people sometimes think like

along people sometimes think like

along people sometimes think like Gathering is inherently an extroverts

Gathering is inherently an extroverts

Gathering is inherently an extroverts game and um you've talked about how

game and um you've talked about how

game and um you've talked about how introverts are often the best hosts and

introverts are often the best hosts and

introverts are often the best hosts and it's because there are so many gather

it's because there are so many gather

it's because there are so many gather that they don't want to be at so if you

that they don't want to be at so if you

that they don't want to be at so if you can get if you can design the Gathering

can get if you can design the Gathering

can get if you can design the Gathering that you do want to be at it's going to

that you do want to be at it's going to

that you do want to be at it's going to be specific it's going to be unique it's

be specific it's going to be unique it's

be specific it's going to be unique it's going to be more thoughtful so

going to be more thoughtful so

going to be more thoughtful so introverts are actually the same way

introverts are actually the same way

introverts are actually the same way that like as a conflict diverse person

that like as a conflict diverse person

that like as a conflict diverse person you're a better conflict mediator yes

you're a better conflict mediator yes

you're a better conflict mediator yes introverts are sometimes the best hosts

introverts are sometimes the best hosts

introverts are sometimes the best hosts and the best planners of of gatherings

and the best planners of of gatherings

and the best planners of of gatherings absolutely I mean when I began to

absolutely I mean when I began to

absolutely I mean when I began to research my book The Art of gathering I

research my book The Art of gathering I

research my book The Art of gathering I started probably in 2012 I interviewed

started probably in 2012 I interviewed

started probably in 2012 I interviewed over 100 different types of gatherers

over 100 different types of gatherers

over 100 different types of gatherers from all walks of life a hockey coach a

from all walks of life a hockey coach a

from all walks of life a hockey coach a rabbi a photographer who has 10 minutes

rabbi a photographer who has 10 minutes

rabbi a photographer who has 10 minutes with a head of state and 19 bodyguards

with a head of state and 19 bodyguards

with a head of state and 19 bodyguards in the room like what does he actually

in the room like what does he actually

in the room like what does he actually do minute by minute to shift the room

do minute by minute to shift the room

do minute by minute to shift the room and one of the things I found over and

and one of the things I found over and

and one of the things I found over and over again was that many of the people

over again was that many of the people

over again was that many of the people other people told me who were amazing

other people told me who were amazing

other people told me who were amazing gatherers self-identified as introverts

gatherers self-identified as introverts

gatherers self-identified as introverts or often on the outside of things and I

or often on the outside of things and I

or often on the outside of things and I asked one of them why do you you know

asked one of them why do you you know

asked one of them why do you you know why do you think this is and she said

why do you think this is and she said

why do you think this is and she said well I don't know about other people but

well I don't know about other people but

well I don't know about other people but I am so uncomfortable at so many of the

I am so uncomfortable at so many of the

I am so uncomfortable at so many of the Gatherings I go to that I began to

Gatherings I go to that I began to

Gatherings I go to that I began to create the Gathering I wish existed in

create the Gathering I wish existed in

create the Gathering I wish existed in the world and it seems like other people

the world and it seems like other people

the world and it seems like other people like them and it's not sort of relying

like them and it's not sort of relying

like them and it's not sort of relying on the Charisma of your personality it's

on the Charisma of your personality it's

on the Charisma of your personality it's actually having deep thought it's

actually having deep thought it's

actually having deep thought it's speaking structure into it so a

speaking structure into it so a

speaking structure into it so a journalist came to me at the when I came

journalist came to me at the when I came

journalist came to me at the when I came out with the art of gathering she was

out with the art of gathering she was

out with the art of gathering she was assigned to host a dinner party um based

assigned to host a dinner party um based

assigned to host a dinner party um based on Art of gathering principles and I was

on Art of gathering principles and I was

on Art of gathering principles and I was like I don't even know what that means

like I don't even know what that means

like I don't even know what that means ask this question what is a need that by

ask this question what is a need that by

ask this question what is a need that by bringing together A specific group of

bringing together A specific group of

bringing together A specific group of people you might be able to address and

people you might be able to address and

people you might be able to address and she was like I don't know if this really

she was like I don't know if this really

she was like I don't know if this really counts sounds a little weird you okay

counts sounds a little weird you okay

counts sounds a little weird you okay one note to self if your idea sounds a

one note to self if your idea sounds a

one note to self if your idea sounds a little weird keep going you're moving in

little weird keep going you're moving in

little weird keep going you're moving in the right direction that is such the

the right direction that is such the

the right direction that is such the rule for comedy as well if it doesn't

rule for comedy as well if it doesn't

rule for comedy as well if it doesn't sound weird it's probably boring and if

sound weird it's probably boring and if

sound weird it's probably boring and if it sounds weird people are going to love

it sounds weird people are going to love

it sounds weird people are going to love it yes and so this woman was thinking

it yes and so this woman was thinking

it yes and so this woman was thinking okay okay what's a need in my life she

okay okay what's a need in my life she

okay okay what's a need in my life she was like I don't know I'm exhausted and

was like I don't know I'm exhausted and

was like I don't know I'm exhausted and I was like okay okay tell me more she

I was like okay okay tell me more she

I was like okay okay tell me more she said well I'm a worn out Mom I'm a

said well I'm a worn out Mom I'm a

said well I'm a worn out Mom I'm a journalist but I'm also I I'm totally

journalist but I'm also I I'm totally

journalist but I'm also I I'm totally exhausted I was at she was like in fact

exhausted I was at she was like in fact

exhausted I was at she was like in fact the other day I was at a friend's house

the other day I was at a friend's house

the other day I was at a friend's house and she cut me a peanut butter and jelly

and she cut me a peanut butter and jelly

and she cut me a peanut butter and jelly sandwi swich and she fed me baby carrot

sandwi swich and she fed me baby carrot

sandwi swich and she fed me baby carrot sticks and I burst into

sticks and I burst into

sticks and I burst into tears and I was like why and she said

tears and I was like why and she said

tears and I was like why and she said because it been a long time since I was

because it been a long time since I was

because it been a long time since I was the one being taken care of I was like

the one being taken care of I was like

the one being taken care of I was like okay follow that thread follow that

okay follow that thread follow that

okay follow that thread follow that thread right found a need found a pain

thread right found a need found a pain

thread right found a need found a pain found an ache what if I threw a dinner

found an ache what if I threw a dinner

found an ache what if I threw a dinner party for my other worn out

party for my other worn out

party for my other worn out moms great give it a name and she called

moms great give it a name and she called

moms great give it a name and she called it the worn out moms Hooten

it the worn out moms Hooten

it the worn out moms Hooten Nanny and I said give it great make it

Nanny and I said give it great make it

Nanny and I said give it great make it tighter make it more specific it is

tighter make it more specific it is

tighter make it more specific it is comedy make it more specific and she

comedy make it more specific and she

comedy make it more specific and she said if you talk about your kids you

said if you talk about your kids you

said if you talk about your kids you have to take a tequila

have to take a tequila

have to take a tequila shot right and she's all of a sudden

shot right and she's all of a sudden

shot right and she's all of a sudden it's like the building of a world and so

it's like the building of a world and so

it's like the building of a world and so the last thing I'd say is a gathering

the last thing I'd say is a gathering

the last thing I'd say is a gathering particularly when you're thinking of

particularly when you're thinking of

particularly when you're thinking of like what how could we spend our time

like what how could we spend our time

like what how could we spend our time it's an idea it's a promise it's the

it's an idea it's a promise it's the

it's an idea it's a promise it's the creation of a temporary alternative

creation of a temporary alternative

creation of a temporary alternative world and so part of gathering is you're

world and so part of gathering is you're

world and so part of gathering is you're telling people a story you're inviting

telling people a story you're inviting

telling people a story you're inviting them to choose one part of their

them to choose one part of their

them to choose one part of their identity and heighten it just for a

identity and heighten it just for a

identity and heighten it just for a night just for a morning or take an

night just for a morning or take an

night just for a morning or take an entirely new identity we Al so often

entirely new identity we Al so often

entirely new identity we Al so often think we have to success or meaning or a

think we have to success or meaning or a

think we have to success or meaning or a beautiful night is to unify the group

beautiful night is to unify the group

beautiful night is to unify the group but actually success or meaningful

but actually success or meaningful

but actually success or meaningful connection is when you complicate the

connection is when you complicate the

connection is when you complicate the individual one of the things that I took

individual one of the things that I took

individual one of the things that I took away most from your book and hearing you

away most from your book and hearing you

away most from your book and hearing you talking and doing research about you is

talking and doing research about you is

talking and doing research about you is this idea that um a good Gathering is

this idea that um a good Gathering is

this idea that um a good Gathering is actually you use the word disputable a

actually you use the word disputable a

actually you use the word disputable a lot that a good Gathering is something

lot that a good Gathering is something

lot that a good Gathering is something that someone could disagree with and say

that someone could disagree with and say

that someone could disagree with and say actually this isn't for me that like

actually this isn't for me that like

actually this isn't for me that like when we go for everyone's going to love

when we go for everyone's going to love

when we go for everyone's going to love it often no one really loves it everyone

it often no one really loves it everyone

it often no one really loves it everyone just doesn't have a problem with it so

just doesn't have a problem with it so

just doesn't have a problem with it so one example you gave is a a woman who it

one example you gave is a a woman who it

one example you gave is a a woman who it was her birthday and she decided she

was her birthday and she decided she

was her birthday and she decided she wanted to have more of an adventure so

wanted to have more of an adventure so

wanted to have more of an adventure so she invited a bunch of people to wake up

she invited a bunch of people to wake up

she invited a bunch of people to wake up before the sunrise go to the ocean with

before the sunrise go to the ocean with

before the sunrise go to the ocean with her watch the Fisher women pull in their

her watch the Fisher women pull in their

her watch the Fisher women pull in their fish and then watch the sunrise and

fish and then watch the sunrise and

fish and then watch the sunrise and that's a thing where a lot of people are

that's a thing where a lot of people are

that's a thing where a lot of people are going to go I do not want to be awake at

going to go I do not want to be awake at

going to go I do not want to be awake at 4:30 in the morning so a no but the

4:30 in the morning so a no but the

4:30 in the morning so a no but the people who do it's the it's a real thing

people who do it's the it's a real thing

people who do it's the it's a real thing and it doesn't have to be that dramatic

and it doesn't have to be that dramatic

and it doesn't have to be that dramatic but I think this disputable piece really

but I think this disputable piece really

but I think this disputable piece really uh that really unlocks something for me

uh that really unlocks something for me

uh that really unlocks something for me because that's something I never thought

because that's something I never thought

because that's something I never thought about before it it's disputable it is

about before it it's disputable it is

about before it it's disputable it is not necessarily for everyone in the

not necessarily for everyone in the

not necessarily for everyone in the sense they're like I I'll I'll I'll I'll

sense they're like I I'll I'll I'll I'll

sense they're like I I'll I'll I'll I'll hit snooze on that on that invitation

hit snooze on that on that invitation

hit snooze on that on that invitation but also counterintuitively all of these

but also counterintuitively all of these

but also counterintuitively all of these cities show that actually when you have

cities show that actually when you have

cities show that actually when you have some amount of of a little bit of shared

some amount of of a little bit of shared

some amount of of a little bit of shared struggle right at the moment where at

struggle right at the moment where at

struggle right at the moment where at the wedding it starts pouring rain and

the wedding it starts pouring rain and

the wedding it starts pouring rain and everyone starts you know screaming and

everyone starts you know screaming and

everyone starts you know screaming and then laughing and then pops their

then laughing and then pops their

then laughing and then pops their umbrellas and then they actually start

umbrellas and then they actually start

umbrellas and then they actually start realizing those umbrellas have no point

realizing those umbrellas have no point

realizing those umbrellas have no point they start just dancing in the mud right

they start just dancing in the mud right

they start just dancing in the mud right that's the moments we remember those are

that's the moments we remember those are

that's the moments we remember those are the moments where there's like a little

the moments where there's like a little

the moments where there's like a little bit of like a rip in the universe um and

bit of like a rip in the universe um and

bit of like a rip in the universe um and so disputable is both to sort of

so disputable is both to sort of

so disputable is both to sort of understand like who should emerge but

understand like who should emerge but

understand like who should emerge but it's also to to push us a little is to

it's also to to push us a little is to

it's also to to push us a little is to help us get out of our our kind of our

help us get out of our our kind of our

help us get out of our our kind of our everyday Loops or tracks I I also think

everyday Loops or tracks I I also think

everyday Loops or tracks I I also think um if you're someone like me who is

um if you're someone like me who is

um if you're someone like me who is conflict diverse or or doesn't want

conflict diverse or or doesn't want

conflict diverse or or doesn't want fears a lot of like imposing on other

fears a lot of like imposing on other

fears a lot of like imposing on other people or making them feel bad I just

people or making them feel bad I just

people or making them feel bad I just feel like it is such uh an important

feel like it is such uh an important

feel like it is such uh an important reminder and a gift to remember that

reminder and a gift to remember that

reminder and a gift to remember that people can say no I feel like I always

people can say no I feel like I always

people can say no I feel like I always underestimate how much people love to be

underestimate how much people love to be

underestimate how much people love to be invited to things even when they are

invited to things even when they are

invited to things even when they are going to say no it so rare someone is

going to say no it so rare someone is

going to say no it so rare someone is like how dare you invite me to that

like how dare you invite me to that

like how dare you invite me to that party that doesn't sound fun they're

party that doesn't sound fun they're

party that doesn't sound fun they're like that's so nice I don't want to do

like that's so nice I don't want to do

like that's so nice I don't want to do that I'm notna still want to be invited

that I'm notna still want to be invited

that I'm notna still want to be invited yeah I will just say personally if you

yeah I will just say personally if you

yeah I will just say personally if you invite me to an event that starts at 10

invite me to an event that starts at 10

invite me to an event that starts at 10 p.m. there is zero chance that I will be

p.m. there is zero chance that I will be

p.m. there is zero chance that I will be there I that is too late for me and I

there I that is too late for me and I

there I that is too late for me and I love to get the invite I love to know

love to get the invite I love to know

love to get the invite I love to know that you're about to you're going to go

that you're about to you're going to go

that you're about to you're going to go dancing from 11 to 4: that is absolutely

dancing from 11 to 4: that is absolutely

dancing from 11 to 4: that is absolutely unfathomable to me and yet I love that

unfathomable to me and yet I love that

unfathomable to me and yet I love that to know that you're doing it and so to

to know that you're doing it and so to

to know that you're doing it and so to actually have ties in which you're

actually have ties in which you're

actually have ties in which you're inviting each other to the things that

inviting each other to the things that

inviting each other to the things that you love but also giving each other off

you love but also giving each other off

you love but also giving each other off ramps is the key to long-term sustain

ramps is the key to long-term sustain

ramps is the key to long-term sustain sustainable relationships and

sustainable relationships and

sustainable relationships and friendships and and to let give people

friendships and and to let give people

friendships and and to let give people the Dignity of letting them make the

the Dignity of letting them make the

the Dignity of letting them make the decision themselves so I have a

decision themselves so I have a

decision themselves so I have a one-year-old first child and before he

one-year-old first child and before he

one-year-old first child and before he was born I had uh a monthly Gathering

was born I had uh a monthly Gathering

was born I had uh a monthly Gathering that I would do I had moved to Los

that I would do I had moved to Los

that I would do I had moved to Los Angeles and we would I really wanted to

Angeles and we would I really wanted to

Angeles and we would I really wanted to get to know the city better and I also

get to know the city better and I also

get to know the city better and I also wanted to spend time with friends so we

wanted to spend time with friends so we

wanted to spend time with friends so we created this thing called the LA

created this thing called the LA

created this thing called the LA Adventure Club where we just went to a

Adventure Club where we just went to a

Adventure Club where we just went to a neighborhood that we hadn't gone to

neighborhood that we hadn't gone to

neighborhood that we hadn't gone to before we'd spend the hours of 10: to

before we'd spend the hours of 10: to

before we'd spend the hours of 10: to noon exploring a neighborhood and then

noon exploring a neighborhood and then

noon exploring a neighborhood and then we'd get lunch it was so fun it was

we'd get lunch it was so fun it was

we'd get lunch it was so fun it was great I did it like clockwork every

great I did it like clockwork every

great I did it like clockwork every month didn't miss one since uh our kid

month didn't miss one since uh our kid

month didn't miss one since uh our kid has been born I have done it

has been born I have done it

has been born I have done it maybe once or twice in a year and I feel

maybe once or twice in a year and I feel

maybe once or twice in a year and I feel the loss of it I'm just curious to get

the loss of it I'm just curious to get

the loss of it I'm just curious to get your take on like what happens when you

your take on like what happens when you

your take on like what happens when you have a gathering that really means a lot

have a gathering that really means a lot

have a gathering that really means a lot and then you kind of can't do it anymore

and then you kind of can't do it anymore

and then you kind of can't do it anymore or you're struggling to do it first

or you're struggling to do it first

or you're struggling to do it first congratulations thank you and second

congratulations thank you and second

congratulations thank you and second well welcome to

well welcome to

well welcome to life yes totally and you know so what I

life yes totally and you know so what I

life yes totally and you know so what I hear in what you're saying is at a very

hear in what you're saying is at a very

hear in what you're saying is at a very specific moment in time you had you saw

specific moment in time you had you saw

specific moment in time you had you saw a need you had energy around it it

a need you had energy around it it

a need you had energy around it it turned out to be a shared need if people

turned out to be a shared need if people

turned out to be a shared need if people were like yes absolutely I want to go to

were like yes absolutely I want to go to

were like yes absolutely I want to go to Chris's Adventure Club and for a period

Chris's Adventure Club and for a period

Chris's Adventure Club and for a period of time all of the variables worked and

of time all of the variables worked and

of time all of the variables worked and then something changed so the first

then something changed so the first

then something changed so the first thing I would just think is when you

thing I would just think is when you

thing I would just think is when you start noticing this loss to ask is it

start noticing this loss to ask is it

start noticing this loss to ask is it the exact form that I deeply miss and do

the exact form that I deeply miss and do

the exact form that I deeply miss and do you need to talk to your partner about

you need to talk to your partner about

you need to talk to your partner about making if if this makes if this is a

making if if this makes if this is a

making if if this makes if this is a really really really important part of

really really really important part of

really really really important part of you to continue to feel sane around are

you to continue to feel sane around are

you to continue to feel sane around are there other negotiations around the rest

there other negotiations around the rest

there other negotiations around the rest of the week uh that that you are willing

of the week uh that that you are willing

of the week uh that that you are willing to kind of shift and that you actually

to kind of shift and that you actually

to kind of shift and that you actually do do this you realize this is a really

do do this you realize this is a really

do do this you realize this is a really important part of your identity and your

important part of your identity and your

important part of your identity and your sense of friendship the second is

sense of friendship the second is

sense of friendship the second is everyone else still deeply attached to

everyone else still deeply attached to

everyone else still deeply attached to this form is this a workable form that

this form is this a workable form that

this form is this a workable form that because of all sorts of different

because of all sorts of different

because of all sorts of different reasons Saturday at 10:00 a.m. is

reasons Saturday at 10:00 a.m. is

reasons Saturday at 10:00 a.m. is disproportionately important and

disproportionately important and

disproportionately important and available to like the friends in our

available to like the friends in our

available to like the friends in our life third what is it about this form

life third what is it about this form

life third what is it about this form that I loved was it that it got me to

that I loved was it that it got me to

that I loved was it that it got me to different parts of the city was it that

different parts of the city was it that

different parts of the city was it that the frame of our mind because of the

the frame of our mind because of the

the frame of our mind because of the time of day or because we just knew it

time of day or because we just knew it

time of day or because we just knew it was Adventure had me interacting with

was Adventure had me interacting with

was Adventure had me interacting with friends in a way that we don't normally

friends in a way that we don't normally

friends in a way that we don't normally over pasta on a Saturday night can I

over pasta on a Saturday night can I

over pasta on a Saturday night can I create this in a different form and what

create this in a different form and what

create this in a different form and what might that be and then the last thing

might that be and then the last thing

might that be and then the last thing I'll just say is to give yourself some

I'll just say is to give yourself some

I'll just say is to give yourself some Grace and the the Parenthood is a is a

Grace and the the Parenthood is a is a

Grace and the the Parenthood is a is a leveling there are massive massive

leveling there are massive massive

leveling there are massive massive shifts that are happening between you

shifts that are happening between you

shifts that are happening between you you and your little family of three that

you and your little family of three that

you and your little family of three that need some space to take new forms and 0

need some space to take new forms and 0

need some space to take new forms and 0 to three is a really intense time for

to three is a really intense time for

to three is a really intense time for most for most family structures and it

most for most family structures and it

most for most family structures and it doesn't mean that all of your energy

doesn't mean that all of your energy

doesn't mean that all of your energy should just go towards your family the

should just go towards your family the

should just go towards your family the Surgeon General also issued a warning

Surgeon General also issued a warning

Surgeon General also issued a warning that parenting is in crisis right you

that parenting is in crisis right you

that parenting is in crisis right you need we need to have friends we need to

need we need to have friends we need to

need we need to have friends we need to have other identities but all of this to

have other identities but all of this to

have other identities but all of this to say is become curious about why you love

say is become curious about why you love

say is become curious about why you love this specific formation and then run

this specific formation and then run

this specific formation and then run some experiments to see what is the

some experiments to see what is the

some experiments to see what is the current next form now and to also give

current next form now and to also give

current next form now and to also give yourself some Grace to realize like

yourself some Grace to realize like

yourself some Grace to realize like there is a unique chemical composition

there is a unique chemical composition

there is a unique chemical composition here and what of this is sparking in me

here and what of this is sparking in me

here and what of this is sparking in me and knowing that it might take a new

and knowing that it might take a new

and knowing that it might take a new form as you grow that's really helpful I

form as you grow that's really helpful I

form as you grow that's really helpful I I love that it also makes me think uh of

I love that it also makes me think uh of

I love that it also makes me think uh of I've an example I've heard you sometimes

I've an example I've heard you sometimes

I've an example I've heard you sometimes give when you talk about uh how an

give when you talk about uh how an

give when you talk about uh how an Artful rule can make a big difference in

Artful rule can make a big difference in

Artful rule can make a big difference in a community is of an online community

a community is of an online community

a community is of an online community that is actually a group of people who

that is actually a group of people who

that is actually a group of people who do not have children there's this

do not have children there's this

do not have children there's this Community we are childree and they

Community we are childree and they

Community we are childree and they created a really thoughtful rule where

created a really thoughtful rule where

created a really thoughtful rule where they said we are not for dating we are

they said we are not for dating we are

they said we are not for dating we are not going to be like to meet a romantic

not going to be like to meet a romantic

not going to be like to meet a romantic partner and that is just our rule that

partner and that is just our rule that

partner and that is just our rule that we're going to have all sorts of other

we're going to have all sorts of other

we're going to have all sorts of other connections but it's not going to be a

connections but it's not going to be a

connections but it's not going to be a dating or singles community and because

dating or singles community and because

dating or singles community and because that would change what we're going for

that would change what we're going for

that would change what we're going for here this was from a a monthly

here this was from a a monthly

here this was from a a monthly newsletter I do that's free and open to

newsletter I do that's free and open to

newsletter I do that's free and open to the public and I did a newsletter about

the public and I did a newsletter about

the public and I did a newsletter about how popup rules rules that are deeply

how popup rules rules that are deeply

how popup rules rules that are deeply and well thought through we think of

and well thought through we think of

and well thought through we think of them as deeply restricting or

them as deeply restricting or

them as deeply restricting or controlling but a well-designed rule as

controlling but a well-designed rule as

controlling but a well-designed rule as any game designer will tell you actually

any game designer will tell you actually

any game designer will tell you actually allows the creation of a world and the

allows the creation of a world and the

allows the creation of a world and the protection of our world if this began to

protection of our world if this began to

protection of our world if this began to become a dating site it became a

become a dating site it became a

become a dating site it became a different set of questions mhm right a

different set of questions mhm right a

different set of questions mhm right a different set of a different geography

different set of a different geography

different set of a different geography of thought a g different geography of

of thought a g different geography of

of thought a g different geography of interest and they wanted to protect this

interest and they wanted to protect this

interest and they wanted to protect this very unique space online that was a

very unique space online that was a

very unique space online that was a closed and private community that you

closed and private community that you

closed and private community that you could choose to enter by asking what

could choose to enter by asking what

could choose to enter by asking what does it look like to have in in our

does it look like to have in in our

does it look like to have in in our adult life to not have children and what

adult life to not have children and what

adult life to not have children and what are the unique conversations that people

are the unique conversations that people

are the unique conversations that people who chare who share those questions can

who chare who share those questions can

who chare who share those questions can have I didn't actually know that you um

have I didn't actually know that you um

have I didn't actually know that you um were involved in improv and and that

were involved in improv and and that

were involved in improv and and that that was a part of your background but

that was a part of your background but

that was a part of your background but it makes so much sense to me now that's

it makes so much sense to me now that's

it makes so much sense to me now that's that's a part of my background too and

that's a part of my background too and

that's a part of my background too and something I really love um I I'm

something I really love um I I'm

something I really love um I I'm thinking about and and working on this

thinking about and and working on this

thinking about and and working on this book about humor and how we can have

book about humor and how we can have

book about humor and how we can have more laughter in our lives and develop

more laughter in our lives and develop

more laughter in our lives and develop humor um and part of the interview for

humor um and part of the interview for

humor um and part of the interview for that has been talking to these two I'm

that has been talking to these two I'm

that has been talking to these two I'm sure you know them but maybe people

sure you know them but maybe people

sure you know them but maybe people listening don't um two of the like most

listening don't um two of the like most

listening don't um two of the like most legendary improvisors these Chicago

legendary improvisors these Chicago

legendary improvisors these Chicago improvisors TJ and Dave um there's this

improvisors TJ and Dave um there's this

improvisors TJ and Dave um there's this kind of apocryphal story that they won

kind of apocryphal story that they won

kind of apocryphal story that they won an award right that uh that Dave pazy

an award right that uh that Dave pazy

an award right that uh that Dave pazy won this award for best improviser and

won this award for best improviser and

won this award for best improviser and then when he got up to get the award he

then when he got up to get the award he

then when he got up to get the award he said I've always been taught that my job

said I've always been taught that my job

said I've always been taught that my job is to make the other people look better

is to make the other people look better

is to make the other people look better so I'm sorry and I'll try and do better

so I'm sorry and I'll try and do better

so I'm sorry and I'll try and do better that was his accepted speech and it

that was his accepted speech and it

that was his accepted speech and it feels like so I feel that spirit that

feels like so I feel that spirit that

feels like so I feel that spirit that energy so much in you and your work is

energy so much in you and your work is

energy so much in you and your work is is really trying to use your time to use

is really trying to use your time to use

is really trying to use your time to use your gifts to to help other people to

your gifts to to help other people to

your gifts to to help other people to look better to do better to feel better

look better to do better to feel better

look better to do better to feel better um and there's that there's a real

um and there's that there's a real

um and there's that there's a real generosity to this which again I think

generosity to this which again I think

generosity to this which again I think is a little bit um counter to the maybe

is a little bit um counter to the maybe

is a little bit um counter to the maybe popular understanding of what a

popular understanding of what a

popular understanding of what a gathering what a birthday party is right

gathering what a birthday party is right

gathering what a birthday party is right it's like it's about me it's my wedding

it's like it's about me it's my wedding

it's like it's about me it's my wedding it's my birthday party it's my baby

it's my birthday party it's my baby

it's my birthday party it's my baby shower it's whatever and I think you're

shower it's whatever and I think you're

shower it's whatever and I think you're really you're trying to reframe this it

really you're trying to reframe this it

really you're trying to reframe this it feels like in way that actually is not

feels like in way that actually is not

feels like in way that actually is not about centering the person but rather

about centering the person but rather

about centering the person but rather centering the community I really it's a

centering the community I really it's a

centering the community I really it's a beautiful reflection and I really I

beautiful reflection and I really I

beautiful reflection and I really I really appreciate that I'm very touched

really appreciate that I'm very touched

really appreciate that I'm very touched by that I I think you can absolutely

by that I I think you can absolutely

by that I I think you can absolutely Gather in a way that is deeply selfish

Gather in a way that is deeply selfish

Gather in a way that is deeply selfish and I think that unfortunately in our

and I think that unfortunately in our

and I think that unfortunately in our like over commercialized over

like over commercialized over

like over commercialized over capitalized like com deeply almost like

capitalized like com deeply almost like

capitalized like com deeply almost like branded life

branded life

branded life events it can actually become that right

events it can actually become that right

events it can actually become that right whether it's like the race to the Sweet

whether it's like the race to the Sweet

whether it's like the race to the Sweet 16 but it's actually all about the stuff

16 but it's actually all about the stuff

16 but it's actually all about the stuff right or how much money is spent or in

right or how much money is spent or in

right or how much money is spent or in weddings like how much again how much

weddings like how much again how much

weddings like how much again how much money is spent and how it and these are

money is spent and how it and these are

money is spent and how it and these are like shows strategically historically

like shows strategically historically

like shows strategically historically tribally of status and at the deepest

tribally of status and at the deepest

tribally of status and at the deepest level part of like our Lon loneliness

level part of like our Lon loneliness

level part of like our Lon loneliness crisis I believe it's for many

crisis I believe it's for many

crisis I believe it's for many structural reasons it's for economic

structural reasons it's for economic

structural reasons it's for economic reasons it's for it's for historical

reasons it's for it's for historical

reasons it's for it's for historical reasons and one of the Norms you said it

reasons and one of the Norms you said it

reasons and one of the Norms you said it earlier that I think leaves us from each

earlier that I think leaves us from each

earlier that I think leaves us from each other is this convoluted I don't know

other is this convoluted I don't know

other is this convoluted I don't know where it fully comes from it comes from

where it fully comes from it comes from

where it fully comes from it comes from a good place of like a desire to not

a good place of like a desire to not

a good place of like a desire to not impose on one another MH and that

impose on one another MH and that

impose on one another MH and that instinct to not impose it's become

instinct to not impose it's become

instinct to not impose it's become distorted somehow our that instinct to

distorted somehow our that instinct to

distorted somehow our that instinct to not impose quote unquote is leaving us

not impose quote unquote is leaving us

not impose quote unquote is leaving us deeply lonely I had a friend who um she

deeply lonely I had a friend who um she

deeply lonely I had a friend who um she lived in New York City she uh her father

lived in New York City she uh her father

lived in New York City she uh her father died and her father was an Egyptian

died and her father was an Egyptian

died and her father was an Egyptian immigrant two Germany and and her father

immigrant two Germany and and her father

immigrant two Germany and and her father passed away and she went she flew back

passed away and she went she flew back

passed away and she went she flew back home to Germany to for the funeral she

home to Germany to for the funeral she

home to Germany to for the funeral she came back and I said you know how are

came back and I said you know how are

came back and I said you know how are you doing and she said it was really

you doing and she said it was really

you doing and she said it was really nice to be there um for my for my mother

nice to be there um for my for my mother

nice to be there um for my for my mother but I still feel I still feel a huge

but I still feel I still feel a huge

but I still feel I still feel a huge loss and it it was sort of strange

loss and it it was sort of strange

loss and it it was sort of strange because none of my present life none of

because none of my present life none of

because none of my present life none of my adult friends none of who I've become

my adult friends none of who I've become

my adult friends none of who I've become living in the city for the last 15 years

living in the city for the last 15 years

living in the city for the last 15 years were there and so I feel this kind of

were there and so I feel this kind of

were there and so I feel this kind of like false limb of like there was this

like false limb of like there was this

like false limb of like there was this funeral but I I wasn't funeral I was

funeral but I I wasn't funeral I was

funeral but I I wasn't funeral I was there my primary role was as I as as I

there my primary role was as I as as I

there my primary role was as I as as I wanted it to be was to be your support

wanted it to be was to be your support

wanted it to be was to be your support to my mother and to see my childhood

to my mother and to see my childhood

to my mother and to see my childhood friends and so I said to her well what

friends and so I said to her well what

friends and so I said to her well what if we what if we what if we hosted some

if we what if we what if we hosted some

if we what if we what if we hosted some kind of funeral and she said well what

kind of funeral and she said well what

kind of funeral and she said well what do you mean and I said well and I also

do you mean and I said well and I also

do you mean and I said well and I also felt kind of a loss like I as her friend

felt kind of a loss like I as her friend

felt kind of a loss like I as her friend that one of the biggest things that has

that one of the biggest things that has

that one of the biggest things that has happened in her entire life has happened

happened in her entire life has happened

happened in her entire life has happened and I didn't have a way to kind of like

and I didn't have a way to kind of like

and I didn't have a way to kind of like engage

engage

engage I I I I struggled to have for language

I I I I struggled to have for language

I I I I struggled to have for language for it we created this Shiva sort of

for it we created this Shiva sort of

for it we created this Shiva sort of sitting shiva from the Jewish tradition

sitting shiva from the Jewish tradition

sitting shiva from the Jewish tradition which she had within her extended family

which she had within her extended family

which she had within her extended family but it was also there's a Muslim Trad

but it was also there's a Muslim Trad

but it was also there's a Muslim Trad death ritual in Islam which she also

death ritual in Islam which she also

death ritual in Islam which she also came from that tradition where she kind

came from that tradition where she kind

came from that tradition where she kind of we kind of put together these

of we kind of put together these

of we kind of put together these different deep wisdoms and instincts

different deep wisdoms and instincts

different deep wisdoms and instincts that we want to be together but in this

that we want to be together but in this

that we want to be together but in this modern way and so very practically she

modern way and so very practically she

modern way and so very practically she invited I think it was 40 friends she

invited I think it was 40 friends she

invited I think it was 40 friends she invited she told them the story of what

invited she told them the story of what

invited she told them the story of what happened again tell the story bring

happened again tell the story bring

happened again tell the story bring people in she invited them to wear dark

people in she invited them to wear dark

people in she invited them to wear dark colors black or navy blue should they

colors black or navy blue should they

colors black or navy blue should they like she again she spilled It All Out

like she again she spilled It All Out

like she again she spilled It All Out please come at 6 p.m. we will start we

please come at 6 p.m. we will start we

please come at 6 p.m. we will start we will start at 6:30 we will feed you at

will start at 6:30 we will feed you at

will start at 6:30 we will feed you at 8:00 p.m. there will be a feast please

8:00 p.m. there will be a feast please

8:00 p.m. there will be a feast please do not come or leave between the hours

do not come or leave between the hours

do not come or leave between the hours of 6:30 and 8: because we will be

of 6:30 and 8: because we will be

of 6:30 and 8: because we will be gathering and she sat in the middle of

gathering and she sat in the middle of

gathering and she sat in the middle of this kind of circle is the wrong word

this kind of circle is the wrong word

this kind of circle is the wrong word we're all like in a living room and she

we're all like in a living room and she

we're all like in a living room and she sat in a chair and she just told us

sat in a chair and she just told us

sat in a chair and she just told us stories about her father and she showed

stories about her father and she showed

stories about her father and she showed us photos of him and she laughed and she

us photos of him and she laughed and she

us photos of him and she laughed and she cried and we laughed and we cried and we

cried and we laughed and we cried and we

cried and we laughed and we cried and we started to realize like oh my gosh we

started to realize like oh my gosh we

started to realize like oh my gosh we thought this was just our friend

thought this was just our friend

thought this was just our friend actually she's exactly her father's

actually she's exactly her father's

actually she's exactly her father's daughter right and she and and and then

daughter right and she and and and then

daughter right and she and and and then at the end she played a Surah that he

at the end she played a Surah that he

at the end she played a Surah that he would listen to every morning in the

would listen to every morning in the

would listen to every morning in the shower and then we closed and then we

shower and then we closed and then we

shower and then we closed and then we ate and it was so beautiful it was so

ate and it was so beautiful it was so

ate and it was so beautiful it was so beautiful for all of us and and and her

beautiful for all of us and and and her

beautiful for all of us and and and her Instinct in the beginning was like is

Instinct in the beginning was like is

Instinct in the beginning was like is this selfish I'm asking all these people

this selfish I'm asking all these people

this selfish I'm asking all these people to come and mourn for me no no no no I

to come and mourn for me no no no no I

to come and mourn for me no no no no I can't impose but at the deeper because

can't impose but at the deeper because

can't impose but at the deeper because she was willing to sit there she became

she was willing to sit there she became

she was willing to sit there she became a vessel it was a deeply generous act

a vessel it was a deeply generous act

a vessel it was a deeply generous act half of us were in the room crying for

half of us were in the room crying for

half of us were in the room crying for her but also for ourselves of the people

her but also for ourselves of the people

her but also for ourselves of the people that we've left of the of the selves

that we've left of the of the selves

that we've left of the of the selves that we've left of realizing oh we

that we've left of realizing oh we

that we've left of realizing oh we haven't necessarily mourned the loss of

haven't necessarily mourned the loss of

haven't necessarily mourned the loss of people in our lives that the friends of

people in our lives that the friends of

people in our lives that the friends of ours haven't been able to see and part

ours haven't been able to see and part

ours haven't been able to see and part of what she was finding her way to was

of what she was finding her way to was

of what she was finding her way to was like a modern ritual in Modern Life

like a modern ritual in Modern Life

like a modern ritual in Modern Life where the people again I know I sound

where the people again I know I sound

where the people again I know I sound like a broken record you don't live or

like a broken record you don't live or

like a broken record you don't live or die or eat or breathe or in the same

die or eat or breathe or in the same

die or eat or breathe or in the same plot of land your entire life and so

plot of land your entire life and so

plot of land your entire life and so when we actually are deracinated and

when we actually are deracinated and

when we actually are deracinated and lose the rituals from which we came we

lose the rituals from which we came we

lose the rituals from which we came we need to replace them with something and

need to replace them with something and

need to replace them with something and and and part of that is experimentation

and and part of that is experimentation

and and part of that is experimentation and when it is relevant and when it hits

and when it is relevant and when it hits

and when it is relevant and when it hits a need and when it's a shared need it

a need and when it's a shared need it

a need and when it's a shared need it might begin to stick and invite new

might begin to stick and invite new

might begin to stick and invite new rituals into our common culture together

rituals into our common culture together

rituals into our common culture together that's such a beautiful example you gave

that's such a beautiful example you gave

that's such a beautiful example you gave of of your friend but I I want to just

of of your friend but I I want to just

of of your friend but I I want to just also point out that even in the simple

also point out that even in the simple

also point out that even in the simple Gatherings part of what can make it feel

Gatherings part of what can make it feel

Gatherings part of what can make it feel feel really elevated and special and

feel really elevated and special and

feel really elevated and special and meaningful is just like having those

meaningful is just like having those

meaningful is just like having those rituals right having the the thing that

rituals right having the the thing that

rituals right having the the thing that you start so for example like at our

you start so for example like at our

you start so for example like at our family dinner thing that we do one thing

family dinner thing that we do one thing

family dinner thing that we do one thing that we do is we always end by taking a

that we do is we always end by taking a

that we do is we always end by taking a blurry picture of everyone there so it's

blurry picture of everyone there so it's

blurry picture of everyone there so it's just like you move the phone and

just like you move the phone and

just like you move the phone and everyone wag Waggles their heads as fast

everyone wag Waggles their heads as fast

everyone wag Waggles their heads as fast as they can and the picture comes out

as they can and the picture comes out

as they can and the picture comes out blurry and it's just like a funny little

blurry and it's just like a funny little

blurry and it's just like a funny little ritual and just that simple like ritual

ritual and just that simple like ritual

ritual and just that simple like ritual which he was explicit like I am creating

which he was explicit like I am creating

which he was explicit like I am creating a ritual so that this will feel like a

a ritual so that this will feel like a

a ritual so that this will feel like a ritual it it has kept the thing going

ritual it it has kept the thing going

ritual it it has kept the thing going rituals give meaning to life rituals

rituals give meaning to life rituals

rituals give meaning to life rituals allow us to feel an obligation to

allow us to feel an obligation to

allow us to feel an obligation to something right like it's not rocket

something right like it's not rocket

something right like it's not rocket science but for whatever reason we

science but for whatever reason we

science but for whatever reason we humans need rituals to bind us to each

humans need rituals to bind us to each

humans need rituals to bind us to each other to break us apart from each other

other to break us apart from each other

other to break us apart from each other and that it is both The Agony and the

and that it is both The Agony and the

and that it is both The Agony and the Ecstasy of Modern Life that we craft the

Ecstasy of Modern Life that we craft the

Ecstasy of Modern Life that we craft the rituals freia it has been such a gift to

rituals freia it has been such a gift to

rituals freia it has been such a gift to talk to you thank you so much for making

talk to you thank you so much for making

talk to you thank you so much for making the time and for being on the show thank

the time and for being on the show thank

the time and for being on the show thank you so much for having me and for

you so much for having me and for

you so much for having me and for modeling amazing

modeling amazing

modeling amazing hosting wow okay I'll take it

hosting wow okay I'll take it

hosting wow okay I'll take it n

n

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