How to pronounce "scaffolding"

well it's officially December the 12th

well it's officially December the 12th

well it's officially December the 12th and final month of 20124 and you might

and final month of 20124 and you might

and final month of 20124 and you might be feeling a lot of different things

be feeling a lot of different things

be feeling a lot of different things right now the excitement of the holiday

right now the excitement of the holiday

right now the excitement of the holiday season the anxiety of trying to

season the anxiety of trying to

season the anxiety of trying to accomplish those last minute things

accomplish those last minute things

accomplish those last minute things maybe the relief of making it to the

maybe the relief of making it to the

maybe the relief of making it to the home stretch of what may have been a

home stretch of what may have been a

home stretch of what may have been a long and eventful year the fear perhaps

long and eventful year the fear perhaps

long and eventful year the fear perhaps of having to hit the ground running in

of having to hit the ground running in

of having to hit the ground running in just a few short weeks when the calendar

just a few short weeks when the calendar

just a few short weeks when the calendar rolls over to January and this is just

rolls over to January and this is just

rolls over to January and this is just my list I'm sure there are many emotions

my list I'm sure there are many emotions

my list I'm sure there are many emotions you might be feeling that I've missed

you might be feeling that I've missed

you might be feeling that I've missed but I say all of this to say that this

but I say all of this to say that this

but I say all of this to say that this time of year can really be a lot and our

time of year can really be a lot and our

time of year can really be a lot and our guest today he knows this we are so

guest today he knows this we are so

guest today he knows this we are so lucky to be here with guy winch who is

lucky to be here with guy winch who is

lucky to be here with guy winch who is here to share his insight and tips for

here to share his insight and tips for

here to share his insight and tips for gliding through the next few weeks with

gliding through the next few weeks with

gliding through the next few weeks with confidence and Poise and above all else

confidence and Poise and above all else

confidence and Poise and above all else emotional stability he's a psychologist

emotional stability he's a psychologist

emotional stability he's a psychologist and an author of a claimed books like

and an author of a claimed books like

and an author of a claimed books like emotional first aid the squeaky wheel

emotional first aid the squeaky wheel

emotional first aid the squeaky wheel and how to fix a broken heart and his

and how to fix a broken heart and his

and how to fix a broken heart and his three TED Talks have collectively been

three TED Talks have collectively been

three TED Talks have collectively been viewed more than 32 million times please

viewed more than 32 million times please

viewed more than 32 million times please give a warm welcome to the extraordinary

give a warm welcome to the extraordinary

give a warm welcome to the extraordinary the phenomenal guy winch hello wi hi guy

the phenomenal guy winch hello wi hi guy

the phenomenal guy winch hello wi hi guy thank you so much for being here with us

thank you so much for being here with us

thank you so much for being here with us today it is my pleasure well let's Dive

today it is my pleasure well let's Dive

today it is my pleasure well let's Dive Right on in your your first talk um is

Right on in your your first talk um is

Right on in your your first talk um is called why we all need to practice

called why we all need to practice

called why we all need to practice emotional first aid where you make the

emotional first aid where you make the

emotional first aid where you make the case for taking care of your emotions in

case for taking care of your emotions in

case for taking care of your emotions in the same way we take care of our bodies

the same way we take care of our bodies

the same way we take care of our bodies so first could you talk to us a little

so first could you talk to us a little

so first could you talk to us a little bit about this idea in in Broad Strokes

bit about this idea in in Broad Strokes

bit about this idea in in Broad Strokes what does does practicing emotional

what does does practicing emotional

what does does practicing emotional first aid look like and and how has your

first aid look like and and how has your

first aid look like and and how has your thinking on this changed since you gave

thinking on this changed since you gave

thinking on this changed since you gave this talk um in

this talk um in

this talk um in 2015 well we sustain emotional wounds in

2015 well we sustain emotional wounds in

2015 well we sustain emotional wounds in life just as often as we do physical

life just as often as we do physical

life just as often as we do physical ones wounds like rejection or failure or

ones wounds like rejection or failure or

ones wounds like rejection or failure or heartbreak or loneliness and these kinds

heartbreak or loneliness and these kinds

heartbreak or loneliness and these kinds of experiences can impact Us in dramatic

of experiences can impact Us in dramatic

of experiences can impact Us in dramatic ways they can affect our functioning and

ways they can affect our functioning and

ways they can affect our functioning and our mood and our relationship and our

our mood and our relationship and our

our mood and our relationship and our mental state and everything about us and

mental state and everything about us and

mental state and everything about us and they are wounds that can be treated it

they are wounds that can be treated it

they are wounds that can be treated it just doesn't occur to us to think of

just doesn't occur to us to think of

just doesn't occur to us to think of those kinds of experiences as wounds and

those kinds of experiences as wounds and

those kinds of experiences as wounds and it doesn't occur to us to be able to

it doesn't occur to us to be able to

it doesn't occur to us to be able to treat them even though there are tools

treat them even though there are tools

treat them even though there are tools and techniques we could use to do just

and techniques we could use to do just

and techniques we could use to do just that with the goal of minimizing the

that with the goal of minimizing the

that with the goal of minimizing the pain they cause minimizing the loss of

pain they cause minimizing the loss of

pain they cause minimizing the loss of function that comes with it and healing

function that comes with it and healing

function that comes with it and healing ourselves more healthily so that these

ourselves more healthily so that these

ourselves more healthily so that these wounds don't become infected or get

wounds don't become infected or get

wounds don't become infected or get worse if we neglect them now when I

worse if we neglect them now when I

worse if we neglect them now when I started talking about this idea 10 years

started talking about this idea 10 years

started talking about this idea 10 years ago the idea seemed quite novel to a lot

ago the idea seemed quite novel to a lot

ago the idea seemed quite novel to a lot of people this comparison between

of people this comparison between

of people this comparison between emotional uh wounds and physical wounds

emotional uh wounds and physical wounds

emotional uh wounds and physical wounds and the idea that we need to treat

and the idea that we need to treat

and the idea that we need to treat emotional wounds I think after the

emotional wounds I think after the

emotional wounds I think after the pandemic there is more openness to this

pandemic there is more openness to this

pandemic there is more openness to this idea in general about emotional health

idea in general about emotional health

idea in general about emotional health in general that our emotions and our

in general that our emotions and our

in general that our emotions and our emotional health has an impact on our

emotional health has an impact on our

emotional health has an impact on our lives a lot because of what we went

lives a lot because of what we went

lives a lot because of what we went through during the pandemic but if you

through during the pandemic but if you

through during the pandemic but if you would have asked me 10 years ago where I

would have asked me 10 years ago where I

would have asked me 10 years ago where I hope we would be today I would have

hope we would be today I would have

hope we would be today I would have hoped we would be somewhere better and

hoped we would be somewhere better and

hoped we would be somewhere better and unfortunately I think we're somewhere

unfortunately I think we're somewhere

unfortunately I think we're somewhere worse today there is an epidemic of

worse today there is an epidemic of

worse today there is an epidemic of loneliness that's Global and that's

loneliness that's Global and that's

loneliness that's Global and that's hitting hard the teens young adults

hitting hard the teens young adults

hitting hard the teens young adults these young age groups and who are

these young age groups and who are

these young age groups and who are suffering tremendously from loneliness

suffering tremendously from loneliness

suffering tremendously from loneliness we know that stress in the workplace now

we know that stress in the workplace now

we know that stress in the workplace now is at an all-time high as are symptoms

is at an all-time high as are symptoms

is at an all-time high as are symptoms of burnout among employees and so

of burnout among employees and so

of burnout among employees and so there's a lot going on in the world in

there's a lot going on in the world in

there's a lot going on in the world in which our emot health is actually

which our emot health is actually

which our emot health is actually declining rather than improving so I

declining rather than improving so I

declining rather than improving so I think emotional first aid and the

think emotional first aid and the

think emotional first aid and the practice of it and the thinking about it

practice of it and the thinking about it

practice of it and the thinking about it is more important now than

is more important now than

is more important now than ever well that's that's fascinating and

ever well that's that's fascinating and

ever well that's that's fascinating and I definitely want to hear more about um

I definitely want to hear more about um

I definitely want to hear more about um some of these challenges that you you've

some of these challenges that you you've

some of these challenges that you you've mentioned around you know teens and

mentioned around you know teens and

mentioned around you know teens and loneliness but when you think about this

loneliness but when you think about this

loneliness but when you think about this year this year and this time of year

year this year and this time of year

year this year and this time of year specifically what makes emotional first

specifically what makes emotional first

specifically what makes emotional first AED more important now than ever when

AED more important now than ever when

AED more important now than ever when you're thinking about December well you

you're thinking about December well you

you're thinking about December well you know winter is coming in the northern

know winter is coming in the northern

know winter is coming in the northern hemisphere my apologies to the people in

hemisphere my apologies to the people in

hemisphere my apologies to the people in the southern hemisphere winter is coming

the southern hemisphere winter is coming

the southern hemisphere winter is coming and that is a difficult thing for a lot

and that is a difficult thing for a lot

and that is a difficult thing for a lot of people the uh change in light for

of people the uh change in light for

of people the uh change in light for example causes Seasonal effective

example causes Seasonal effective

example causes Seasonal effective disorder where people tend to get

disorder where people tend to get

disorder where people tend to get depressed in the fall and leading up in

depressed in the fall and leading up in

depressed in the fall and leading up in the anticipation of the winter but we

the anticipation of the winter but we

the anticipation of the winter but we also have these holidays and we go home

also have these holidays and we go home

also have these holidays and we go home and when we go home there's emotional

and when we go home there's emotional

and when we go home there's emotional time travel involved because we all

time travel involved because we all

time travel involved because we all Resort back to our teenage selves the

Resort back to our teenage selves the

Resort back to our teenage selves the roles we used to have within our

roles we used to have within our

roles we used to have within our families we really take a step back in

families we really take a step back in

families we really take a step back in time for the good and the bad but it's

time for the good and the bad but it's

time for the good and the bad but it's often a very emotional time to go back

often a very emotional time to go back

often a very emotional time to go back to our homes to see our families or

to our homes to see our families or

to our homes to see our families or people who don't have their families

people who don't have their families

people who don't have their families around them who are perhaps by

around them who are perhaps by

around them who are perhaps by themselves or who are lonely or who are

themselves or who are lonely or who are

themselves or who are lonely or who are just with friends but it's also a time

just with friends but it's also a time

just with friends but it's also a time where everything around us is telling us

where everything around us is telling us

where everything around us is telling us that this is the best time of the year

that this is the best time of the year

that this is the best time of the year and the most wonderful and the happiest

and the most wonderful and the happiest

and the most wonderful and the happiest and so that's a lot to live up to we're

and so that's a lot to live up to we're

and so that's a lot to live up to we're expecting it to be a very emotional and

expecting it to be a very emotional and

expecting it to be a very emotional and rewarding time where it can actually be

rewarding time where it can actually be

rewarding time where it can actually be quite challenging and difficult for many

quite challenging and difficult for many

quite challenging and difficult for many many people so there's this this perfect

many people so there's this this perfect

many people so there's this this perfect storm of circumstances that makes this

storm of circumstances that makes this

storm of circumstances that makes this time of year a very emotional time and

time of year a very emotional time and

time of year a very emotional time and most therapists like myself tend to be

most therapists like myself tend to be

most therapists like myself tend to be very busy in January because people are

very busy in January because people are

very busy in January because people are coming back from the holidays after all

coming back from the holidays after all

coming back from the holidays after all the dramas from home and their winter is

the dramas from home and their winter is

the dramas from home and their winter is now here and now the good part of the

now here and now the good part of the

now here and now the good part of the holidays are over so now it's just

holidays are over so now it's just

holidays are over so now it's just looking forward to Winter for a few

looking forward to Winter for a few

looking forward to Winter for a few months it it's a difficult time

months it it's a difficult time

months it it's a difficult time emotionally and it's always has

emotionally and it's always has

emotionally and it's always has been and of course this year has sort of

been and of course this year has sort of

been and of course this year has sort of a unique challenge in that we just

a unique challenge in that we just

a unique challenge in that we just experienced this very big presidential

experienced this very big presidential

experienced this very big presidential election in the United States and the

election in the United States and the

election in the United States and the impact of that of course reverberates

impact of that of course reverberates

impact of that of course reverberates far beyond uh just the US and I imagine

far beyond uh just the US and I imagine

far beyond uh just the US and I imagine some people might be feeling uh

some people might be feeling uh

some people might be feeling uh heightened emotional fragility stemming

heightened emotional fragility stemming

heightened emotional fragility stemming uh from the results of the election and

uh from the results of the election and

uh from the results of the election and so how how different have you been

so how how different have you been

so how how different have you been approaching emotional health and uh

approaching emotional health and uh

approaching emotional health and uh thinking about the conversations that

thinking about the conversations that

thinking about the conversations that you've been having with with folks uh do

you've been having with with folks uh do

you've been having with with folks uh do you feel that emotional first aid your

you feel that emotional first aid your

you feel that emotional first aid your approach there is different this year

approach there is different this year

approach there is different this year than it has been in the past it's not

than it has been in the past it's not

than it has been in the past it's not necessarily different but there's more

necessarily different but there's more

necessarily different but there's more emphasis on certain things emotional

emphasis on certain things emotional

emphasis on certain things emotional first aid in general the premise here is

first aid in general the premise here is

first aid in general the premise here is that you have to be proactive in

that you have to be proactive in

that you have to be proactive in managing your feelings and your

managing your feelings and your

managing your feelings and your emotional health and the stressors that

emotional health and the stressors that

emotional health and the stressors that come at you in life now the news used to

come at you in life now the news used to

come at you in life now the news used to be a source of information

be a source of information

be a source of information the news is now a source of stress for

the news is now a source of stress for

the news is now a source of stress for many many people and it used to be

many many people and it used to be

many many people and it used to be something we would watch at a certain

something we would watch at a certain

something we would watch at a certain time in the evening and now it's

time in the evening and now it's

time in the evening and now it's something we're exposed to throughout

something we're exposed to throughout

something we're exposed to throughout the day on social media and so we are

the day on social media and so we are

the day on social media and so we are exposed to this big stressor that's

exposed to this big stressor that's

exposed to this big stressor that's coming at us unfiltered all through the

coming at us unfiltered all through the

coming at us unfiltered all through the day and and that is something that's

day and and that is something that's

day and and that is something that's triggering a lot of people and that's

triggering a lot of people and that's

triggering a lot of people and that's very difficult for a lot of people half

very difficult for a lot of people half

very difficult for a lot of people half the people are happy about the election

the people are happy about the election

the people are happy about the election half the people are very unhappy about

half the people are very unhappy about

half the people are very unhappy about the election half the people are happy

the election half the people are happy

the election half the people are happy and unhappy about situations in their

and unhappy about situations in their

and unhappy about situations in their home countries and the news has been

home countries and the news has been

home countries and the news has been this stressor now and I and I think it's

this stressor now and I and I think it's

this stressor now and I and I think it's important to think of news as source of

important to think of news as source of

important to think of news as source of stress and information but more stress

stress and information but more stress

stress and information but more stress than information and if you think about

than information and if you think about

than information and if you think about it that way then you would also manage

it that way then you would also manage

it that way then you would also manage it a specific way because then you need

it a specific way because then you need

it a specific way because then you need to control when you expose yourself to

to control when you expose yourself to

to control when you expose yourself to it and how much you expose yourself to

it and how much you expose yourself to

it and how much you expose yourself to it pay attention to how you feel after

it pay attention to how you feel after

it pay attention to how you feel after you're reading little Snippets of news

you're reading little Snippets of news

you're reading little Snippets of news or little updates on on social media are

or little updates on on social media are

or little updates on on social media are you feeling activated are you feeling

you feeling activated are you feeling

you feeling activated are you feeling angry are you feeling overwhelmed if

angry are you feeling overwhelmed if

angry are you feeling overwhelmed if you're feeling any kind of distress in

you're feeling any kind of distress in

you're feeling any kind of distress in that way take it seriously and be very

that way take it seriously and be very

that way take it seriously and be very deliberate and intentional about when am

deliberate and intentional about when am

deliberate and intentional about when am I going to expose myself to these

I going to expose myself to these

I going to expose myself to these stressors and for how long and what am I

stressors and for how long and what am I

stressors and for how long and what am I going to not do that so I can go on with

going to not do that so I can go on with

going to not do that so I can go on with my life and be present in the other

my life and be present in the other

my life and be present in the other things that are going on in my life so

things that are going on in my life so

things that are going on in my life so that I'm not overwhelmed by whatever's

that I'm not overwhelmed by whatever's

that I'm not overwhelmed by whatever's happening in the world or around

happening in the world or around

happening in the world or around me you started to get into a little bit

me you started to get into a little bit

me you started to get into a little bit of this just now and talking about uh

of this just now and talking about uh

of this just now and talking about uh how we might be consuming the news or

how we might be consuming the news or

how we might be consuming the news or responding to the news and I'd love to

responding to the news and I'd love to

responding to the news and I'd love to get a little more granular even just

get a little more granular even just

get a little more granular even just beyond that and thinking about sort of

beyond that and thinking about sort of

beyond that and thinking about sort of the red flags that we can look out for

the red flags that we can look out for

the red flags that we can look out for in ourselves to know that we're

in ourselves to know that we're

in ourselves to know that we're experiencing challenges and might be in

experiencing challenges and might be in

experiencing challenges and might be in need of emotional first aid what should

need of emotional first aid what should

need of emotional first aid what should we be looking out for so look in general

we be looking out for so look in general

we be looking out for so look in general in Psychology what you want to look for

in Psychology what you want to look for

in Psychology what you want to look for are changes changes in your behavior

are changes changes in your behavior

are changes changes in your behavior changes the in in your mental state um

changes the in in your mental state um

changes the in in your mental state um for example are you very preoccupied are

for example are you very preoccupied are

for example are you very preoccupied are you Illuminating are you having trouble

you Illuminating are you having trouble

you Illuminating are you having trouble switching off at night is your mind

switching off at night is your mind

switching off at night is your mind churning that's that's a mental problem

churning that's that's a mental problem

churning that's that's a mental problem there in in in what's going on in terms

there in in in what's going on in terms

there in in in what's going on in terms of the thinking cognitive changes are

of the thinking cognitive changes are

of the thinking cognitive changes are you more distracted are you less focused

you more distracted are you less focused

you more distracted are you less focused are you making mistakes at work or in

are you making mistakes at work or in

are you making mistakes at work or in other places that's a sign also of

other places that's a sign also of

other places that's a sign also of cognitive stress and of course emotional

cognitive stress and of course emotional

cognitive stress and of course emotional changes is your mood shifting are your

changes is your mood shifting are your

changes is your mood shifting are your habits shifting you used to be someone

habits shifting you used to be someone

habits shifting you used to be someone who always had to you know make the bed

who always had to you know make the bed

who always had to you know make the bed and do the dishes and now they're piling

and do the dishes and now they're piling

and do the dishes and now they're piling up around you it's not coincidence it

up around you it's not coincidence it

up around you it's not coincidence it means that you're dealing with stresses

means that you're dealing with stresses

means that you're dealing with stresses internally from emotions or externally

internally from emotions or externally

internally from emotions or externally from other sources that you're not

from other sources that you're not

from other sources that you're not managing as well and then you see

managing as well and then you see

managing as well and then you see changes in your functioning in your

changes in your functioning in your

changes in your functioning in your mental functioning in your cognitive and

mental functioning in your cognitive and

mental functioning in your cognitive and your emotional functioning so that's

your emotional functioning so that's

your emotional functioning so that's it's change that you want to pay

it's change that you want to pay

it's change that you want to pay attention to and if there is change

attention to and if there is change

attention to and if there is change going on then you really want to ask

going on then you really want to ask

going on then you really want to ask yourself what's what's happening is it

yourself what's what's happening is it

yourself what's what's happening is it something just temporary or has this

something just temporary or has this

something just temporary or has this been going on for a while is it now just

been going on for a while is it now just

been going on for a while is it now just one day I didn't make the bed or it's

one day I didn't make the bed or it's

one day I didn't make the bed or it's been a whole week and I don't even have

been a whole week and I don't even have

been a whole week and I don't even have the you the the the the strength to do

the you the the the the strength to do

the you the the the the strength to do it right now it means that again

it right now it means that again

it right now it means that again stresses are coming at you that you're

stresses are coming at you that you're

stresses are coming at you that you're not managing as well and therefore you

not managing as well and therefore you

not managing as well and therefore you want to take action to reduce those

want to take action to reduce those

want to take action to reduce those stresses um so that you don't become

stresses um so that you don't become

stresses um so that you don't become overwhelmed by

overwhelmed by

overwhelmed by them um and so then to that point of the

them um and so then to that point of the

them um and so then to that point of the action I imagine it's different for

action I imagine it's different for

action I imagine it's different for every person in every circumstance but

every person in every circumstance but

every person in every circumstance but are there sort of three strategies four

are there sort of three strategies four

are there sort of three strategies four strategies a handful of strategies you

strategies a handful of strategies you

strategies a handful of strategies you can offer uh to all of us is a starter

can offer uh to all of us is a starter

can offer uh to all of us is a starter kit uh for emotional first Steed yes but

kit uh for emotional first Steed yes but

kit uh for emotional first Steed yes but let's and I'll go with kind of like big

let's and I'll go with kind of like big

let's and I'll go with kind of like big things because again we can get very

things because again we can get very

things because again we can get very granular in specific situations but in

granular in specific situations but in

granular in specific situations but in general one of the most important things

general one of the most important things

general one of the most important things to know about emotional health and

to know about emotional health and

to know about emotional health and emotional first aid is that it's

emotional first aid is that it's

emotional first aid is that it's actually effortful it doesn't just

actually effortful it doesn't just

actually effortful it doesn't just happen if you break a bone you can set

happen if you break a bone you can set

happen if you break a bone you can set it and the bone will heal our emotions

it and the bone will heal our emotions

it and the bone will heal our emotions work differently so we actually have to

work differently so we actually have to

work differently so we actually have to disengage the autopilot and pay

disengage the autopilot and pay

disengage the autopilot and pay attention to how we're feeling how we're

attention to how we're feeling how we're

attention to how we're feeling how we're functioning how we're thinking how we're

functioning how we're thinking how we're

functioning how we're thinking how we're behaving are we doing so differently

behaving are we doing so differently

behaving are we doing so differently less productively less efficiently

less productively less efficiently

less productively less efficiently that's the one thing like so start and

that's the one thing like so start and

that's the one thing like so start and pay attention and then be ready to take

pay attention and then be ready to take

pay attention and then be ready to take action and to invest effort into

action and to invest effort into

action and to invest effort into protecting your emotional health the

protecting your emotional health the

protecting your emotional health the second thing I want you to really think

second thing I want you to really think

second thing I want you to really think about is that when it comes to our

about is that when it comes to our

about is that when it comes to our emotional health we do a lot of the

emotional health we do a lot of the

emotional health we do a lot of the damage to ourselves we have as humans an

damage to ourselves we have as humans an

damage to ourselves we have as humans an unfortunate type of response to certain

unfortunate type of response to certain

unfortunate type of response to certain situations in which we go and we make

situations in which we go and we make

situations in which we go and we make things worse we get rejected and then we

things worse we get rejected and then we

things worse we get rejected and then we become extremely

become extremely

become extremely self-critical we fail at something small

self-critical we fail at something small

self-critical we fail at something small and we generalize it to think that we

and we generalize it to think that we

and we generalize it to think that we can't do anything I can't succeed in

can't do anything I can't succeed in

can't do anything I can't succeed in anything we tend to be very

anything we tend to be very

anything we tend to be very self-critical and our internal dialogue

self-critical and our internal dialogue

self-critical and our internal dialogue tends to be very negative that is quite

tends to be very negative that is quite

tends to be very negative that is quite damaging you you you took a situation

damaging you you you took a situation

damaging you you you took a situation that was hurtful and now you're making

that was hurtful and now you're making

that was hurtful and now you're making it worse for yourself the same thing

it worse for yourself the same thing

it worse for yourself the same thing happens around the anxiety if we're

happens around the anxiety if we're

happens around the anxiety if we're anxious about something our natural

anxious about something our natural

anxious about something our natural response is to avoid that thing but

response is to avoid that thing but

response is to avoid that thing but avoiding it supersizes anxiety it now

avoiding it supersizes anxiety it now

avoiding it supersizes anxiety it now registers in your brain as even more

registers in your brain as even more

registers in your brain as even more problematic because you just avoided it

problematic because you just avoided it

problematic because you just avoided it something terrible would have happened

something terrible would have happened

something terrible would have happened if you'd have gotten onto the elevator

if you'd have gotten onto the elevator

if you'd have gotten onto the elevator you didn't thank goodness you're saved

you didn't thank goodness you're saved

you didn't thank goodness you're saved now the next time the elevator comes

now the next time the elevator comes

now the next time the elevator comes you'll be even more even more anxious or

you'll be even more even more anxious or

you'll be even more even more anxious or you got rejected on your uh dating app

you got rejected on your uh dating app

you got rejected on your uh dating app and you're like I'm not going to date

and you're like I'm not going to date

and you're like I'm not going to date for six months well why if you're on the

for six months well why if you're on the

for six months well why if you're on the dating app it's because you want to

dating app it's because you want to

dating app it's because you want to connect why are you doing that unnatural

connect why are you doing that unnatural

connect why are you doing that unnatural inclination is often to make things

inclination is often to make things

inclination is often to make things worse for ourselves so we have to make

worse for ourselves so we have to make

worse for ourselves so we have to make sure we don't do that and the third

sure we don't do that and the third

sure we don't do that and the third thing is we have to be proactive healing

thing is we have to be proactive healing

thing is we have to be proactive healing emotionally and emotional first aid is

emotionally and emotional first aid is

emotionally and emotional first aid is applying tools and techniques they're

applying tools and techniques they're

applying tools and techniques they're actually things you have to do thought

actually things you have to do thought

actually things you have to do thought exercises writing exercises different

exercises writing exercises different

exercises writing exercises different kinds of things and so these are active

kinds of things and so these are active

kinds of things and so these are active things and so be aware that you can

things and so be aware that you can

things and so be aware that you can enhance and boost your emotional health

enhance and boost your emotional health

enhance and boost your emotional health it will take knowhow effort and and and

it will take knowhow effort and and and

it will take knowhow effort and and and real intent to do

real intent to do

real intent to do it I love that that being really sort of

it I love that that being really sort of

it I love that that being really sort of thoughtful about this uh is is key here

thoughtful about this uh is is key here

thoughtful about this uh is is key here um and to the point of being thoughtful

um and to the point of being thoughtful

um and to the point of being thoughtful I know December is also a time where a

I know December is also a time where a

I know December is also a time where a lot of us are thinking about the things

lot of us are thinking about the things

lot of us are thinking about the things that we experience this year the

that we experience this year the

that we experience this year the accomplishments we had and maybe some of

accomplishments we had and maybe some of

accomplishments we had and maybe some of the failures uh that we also had um and

the failures uh that we also had um and

the failures uh that we also had um and so I imagine there's a fair amount of

so I imagine there's a fair amount of

so I imagine there's a fair amount of stress that can come along with

stress that can come along with

stress that can come along with reflecting back on the year that's

reflecting back on the year that's

reflecting back on the year that's passed how can we take stock of this

passed how can we take stock of this

passed how can we take stock of this past year in a healthy way look when you

past year in a healthy way look when you

past year in a healthy way look when you reflect it's going to be bittersweet

reflect it's going to be bittersweet

reflect it's going to be bittersweet because unless you were very very

because unless you were very very

because unless you were very very fortunate and you just had wins

fortunate and you just had wins

fortunate and you just had wins throughout the year it was all great and

throughout the year it was all great and

throughout the year it was all great and Roses which is is truly highly unusual

Roses which is is truly highly unusual

Roses which is is truly highly unusual so I doubt it um that good stuff

so I doubt it um that good stuff

so I doubt it um that good stuff happened bad stuff happened you had

happened bad stuff happened you had

happened bad stuff happened you had successes you had failures you had those

successes you had failures you had those

successes you had failures you had those things that moved you forward in Life or

things that moved you forward in Life or

things that moved you forward in Life or that enhanced you in certain ways and

that enhanced you in certain ways and

that enhanced you in certain ways and you had the things that set you back so

you had the things that set you back so

you had the things that set you back so if you're really reflecting and I do

if you're really reflecting and I do

if you're really reflecting and I do believe it's useful to truly reflect

believe it's useful to truly reflect

believe it's useful to truly reflect because there's a lot we can learn then

because there's a lot we can learn then

because there's a lot we can learn then you're covering both the good and the

you're covering both the good and the

you're covering both the good and the bad now the good can teach you what

bad now the good can teach you what

bad now the good can teach you what worked oh this was a difficult thing but

worked oh this was a difficult thing but

worked oh this was a difficult thing but I got through it great how what were the

I got through it great how what were the

I got through it great how what were the tools you Ed did you did you encourage

tools you Ed did you did you encourage

tools you Ed did you did you encourage yourself internally did you seek social

yourself internally did you seek social

yourself internally did you seek social support what was the scaffolding you put

support what was the scaffolding you put

support what was the scaffolding you put around yourself to keep yourself

around yourself to keep yourself

around yourself to keep yourself structured and on task that you were

structured and on task that you were

structured and on task that you were able to succeed how did you get your

able to succeed how did you get your

able to succeed how did you get your motivation up thinking about what worked

motivation up thinking about what worked

motivation up thinking about what worked for me what efforts did I put in what

for me what efforts did I put in what

for me what efforts did I put in what intentionality did I have that actually

intentionality did I have that actually

intentionality did I have that actually move me forward is useful but of course

move me forward is useful but of course

move me forward is useful but of course um we learn more from failure than we do

um we learn more from failure than we do

um we learn more from failure than we do from success and and why that's

from success and and why that's

from success and and why that's important is because we get very

important is because we get very

important is because we get very demoralized by failures we get very

demoralized by failures we get very

demoralized by failures we get very demoralized when our goals weren't met

demoralized when our goals weren't met

demoralized when our goals weren't met when we were set back when we failed at

when we were set back when we failed at

when we were set back when we failed at certain things or when bad things

certain things or when bad things

certain things or when bad things happened to us but it's actually really

happened to us but it's actually really

happened to us but it's actually really important to look at what our part there

important to look at what our part there

important to look at what our part there was what we can learn from it was

was what we can learn from it was

was what we can learn from it was because we don't make a thousand

because we don't make a thousand

because we don't make a thousand mistakes in life we make around four or

mistakes in life we make around four or

mistakes in life we make around four or five kinds of mistakes and then we

five kinds of mistakes and then we

five kinds of mistakes and then we repeat those in Endless variety so the

repeat those in Endless variety so the

repeat those in Endless variety so the kinds of mistakes you made like if you

kinds of mistakes you made like if you

kinds of mistakes you made like if you have a time management problem and you

have a time management problem and you

have a time management problem and you just couldn't get that's a key mistake

just couldn't get that's a key mistake

just couldn't get that's a key mistake and and if you can figure out how to

and and if you can figure out how to

and and if you can figure out how to avoid that you'll figure out how to

avoid that you'll figure out how to

avoid that you'll figure out how to avoid many future mistakes so there's a

avoid many future mistakes so there's a

avoid many future mistakes so there's a lot you can learn from your failures

lot you can learn from your failures

lot you can learn from your failures about what didn't go right for you and

about what didn't go right for you and

about what didn't go right for you and and what could you do differently next

and what could you do differently next

and what could you do differently next time the basic premise there is what

time the basic premise there is what

time the basic premise there is what were the obstacles that prevented you

were the obstacles that prevented you

were the obstacles that prevented you from getting where you wanted to go and

from getting where you wanted to go and

from getting where you wanted to go and how could can you get around them next

how could can you get around them next

how could can you get around them next time it's a problem solving task and

time it's a problem solving task and

time it's a problem solving task and it's only useful if you do it without

it's only useful if you do it without

it's only useful if you do it without that um self-critical voice because the

that um self-critical voice because the

that um self-critical voice because the self-critical voice is just distracting

self-critical voice is just distracting

self-critical voice is just distracting all it does is make you feel bad it

all it does is make you feel bad it

all it does is make you feel bad it didn't add information how I get around

didn't add information how I get around

didn't add information how I get around the obstacle that's useful what the

the obstacle that's useful what the

the obstacle that's useful what the obstacle was is useful the fact you know

obstacle was is useful the fact you know

obstacle was is useful the fact you know oh I'm such an idiot that I had the

oh I'm such an idiot that I had the

oh I'm such an idiot that I had the obstacle doesn't add anything it just

obstacle doesn't add anything it just

obstacle doesn't add anything it just demoralizes so it's important to do that

demoralizes so it's important to do that

demoralizes so it's important to do that analysis but in a very nonevaluative

analysis but in a very nonevaluative

analysis but in a very nonevaluative nonjudgmental compassionate way that's

nonjudgmental compassionate way that's

nonjudgmental compassionate way that's amazing advice I think especially this

amazing advice I think especially this

amazing advice I think especially this idea of the challenges we Face often

idea of the challenges we Face often

idea of the challenges we Face often falling into similar buckets and so if

falling into similar buckets and so if

falling into similar buckets and so if you sort of think about what those

you sort of think about what those

you sort of think about what those buckets are it feels like that's so

buckets are it feels like that's so

buckets are it feels like that's so useful for a lot of us as we're doing

useful for a lot of us as we're doing

useful for a lot of us as we're doing this work and I I wonder too do you feel

this work and I I wonder too do you feel

this work and I I wonder too do you feel that it's helpful to break this up that

that it's helpful to break this up that

that it's helpful to break this up that can it be overwhelming to take it all at

can it be overwhelming to take it all at

can it be overwhelming to take it all at in U take stock of all of it at once yes

in U take stock of all of it at once yes

in U take stock of all of it at once yes I mean when by self-reflection I don't

I mean when by self-reflection I don't

I mean when by self-reflection I don't mean that you sit and have one very long

mean that you sit and have one very long

mean that you sit and have one very long sit and all this like this is something

sit and all this like this is something

sit and all this like this is something you we tend to do around the time of the

you we tend to do around the time of the

you we tend to do around the time of the new year around the time of the holidays

new year around the time of the holidays

new year around the time of the holidays and we do it within ourselves we do it

and we do it within ourselves we do it

and we do it within ourselves we do it with our friends we reflect with our

with our friends we reflect with our

with our friends we reflect with our families a lot of families have

families a lot of families have

families a lot of families have Traditions uh you know mind do of what

Traditions uh you know mind do of what

Traditions uh you know mind do of what the resolutions are what our hopes are

the resolutions are what our hopes are

the resolutions are what our hopes are for the coming year what we want to look

for the coming year what we want to look

for the coming year what we want to look back on and so when you're reflecting

back on and so when you're reflecting

back on and so when you're reflecting another way to do it is not just look at

another way to do it is not just look at

another way to do it is not just look at the past year but look at okay project

the past year but look at okay project

the past year but look at okay project yourself a year into the future what

yourself a year into the future what

yourself a year into the future what would make you feel good um next year if

would make you feel good um next year if

would make you feel good um next year if you could look back and say like oh I

you could look back and say like oh I

you could look back and say like oh I accomplished this I tried this I got

accomplished this I tried this I got

accomplished this I tried this I got myself to move forward in this way you

myself to move forward in this way you

myself to move forward in this way you can Target those things by even thinking

can Target those things by even thinking

can Target those things by even thinking forward into the future you know in

forward into the future you know in

forward into the future you know in those ways but but yes this is something

those ways but but yes this is something

those ways but but yes this is something we do peace meal it can be overwhelming

we do peace meal it can be overwhelming

we do peace meal it can be overwhelming and you want to you can break it down

and you want to you can break it down

and you want to you can break it down into categories you can do work social

into categories you can do work social

into categories you can do work social life love life Family Life other kinds

life love life Family Life other kinds

life love life Family Life other kinds of things or you can just go month by

of things or you can just go month by

of things or you can just go month by month most of us have calendars that'll

month most of us have calendars that'll

month most of us have calendars that'll remind us you know like what went on or

remind us you know like what went on or

remind us you know like what went on or journals but but do it in in in some

journals but but do it in in in some

journals but but do it in in in some kind of systematic way because it's

kind of systematic way because it's

kind of systematic way because it's incredibly

incredibly

incredibly useful well now another area of focus

useful well now another area of focus

useful well now another area of focus for you um is heartbreak you you wrote a

for you um is heartbreak you you wrote a

for you um is heartbreak you you wrote a book and and gave a talk about fixing a

book and and gave a talk about fixing a

book and and gave a talk about fixing a broken heart and the holiday season is

broken heart and the holiday season is

broken heart and the holiday season is really unique um when it comes to

really unique um when it comes to

really unique um when it comes to heartbreak because of course we have um

heartbreak because of course we have um

heartbreak because of course we have um this connection on connecting with loved

this connection on connecting with loved

this connection on connecting with loved ones both romantically and and family um

ones both romantically and and family um

ones both romantically and and family um and if you don't have strong Connections

and if you don't have strong Connections

and if you don't have strong Connections in this way or maybe if you've lost

in this way or maybe if you've lost

in this way or maybe if you've lost someone this could probably be

someone this could probably be

someone this could probably be especially tough um so what is your

especially tough um so what is your

especially tough um so what is your advice for managing heartbreak during

advice for managing heartbreak during

advice for managing heartbreak during the holidays so heartbreak is a form of

the holidays so heartbreak is a form of

the holidays so heartbreak is a form of grief and I'm going to talk about grief

grief and I'm going to talk about grief

grief and I'm going to talk about grief more more generally because you can lose

more more generally because you can lose

more more generally because you can lose someone romantically you can lose them

someone romantically you can lose them

someone romantically you can lose them to illness they might have died um they

to illness they might have died um they

to illness they might have died um they might have left your life you know for

might have left your life you know for

might have left your life you know for all kinds of different reasons and so

all kinds of different reasons and so

all kinds of different reasons and so that's a very painful thing when you

that's a very painful thing when you

that's a very painful thing when you have suffer loss you have the series of

have suffer loss you have the series of

have suffer loss you have the series of first this is going to be your first

first this is going to be your first

first this is going to be your first holiday season without them your first

holiday season without them your first

holiday season without them your first new year is without them your first and

new year is without them your first and

new year is without them your first and all of those things are going to very

all of those things are going to very

all of those things are going to very naturally remind you of H last year I

naturally remind you of H last year I

naturally remind you of H last year I was with this person last year this

was with this person last year this

was with this person last year this person was still around so it's going to

person was still around so it's going to

person was still around so it's going to be very uh painful and it can be very

be very uh painful and it can be very

be very uh painful and it can be very painful and depending on where you are

painful and depending on where you are

painful and depending on where you are in that grieving process if it's very

in that grieving process if it's very

in that grieving process if it's very very fresh then obviously you know

very fresh then obviously you know

very fresh then obviously you know you're you're still tending to a very

you're you're still tending to a very

you're you're still tending to a very fresh wound it's still about getting

fresh wound it's still about getting

fresh wound it's still about getting support about crying no one's expecting

support about crying no one's expecting

support about crying no one's expecting you to get up and be fully um functional

you to get up and be fully um functional

you to get up and be fully um functional when these kinds of things um happen but

when these kinds of things um happen but

when these kinds of things um happen but when it comes to romantic heartbreak for

when it comes to romantic heartbreak for

when it comes to romantic heartbreak for example I want to set the goal the goal

example I want to set the goal the goal

example I want to set the goal the goal of recovery from romantic heartbreak is

of recovery from romantic heartbreak is

of recovery from romantic heartbreak is very simple it's giving them less and

very simple it's giving them less and

very simple it's giving them less and less stage time in your head thinking

less stage time in your head thinking

less stage time in your head thinking about them less that's the goal because

about them less that's the goal because

about them less that's the goal because when you're heartbroken you think about

when you're heartbroken you think about

when you're heartbroken you think about them all the time it's all you think

them all the time it's all you think

them all the time it's all you think about the goal is to think about less

about the goal is to think about less

about the goal is to think about less less and less until you're barely

less and less until you're barely

less and less until you're barely thinking about them and if you are it's

thinking about them and if you are it's

thinking about them and if you are it's a it's not a a a sharp pain to that end

a it's not a a a sharp pain to that end

a it's not a a a sharp pain to that end anything you do that makes you think

anything you do that makes you think

anything you do that makes you think about the person less great anything you

about the person less great anything you

about the person less great anything you do that makes you think about the person

do that makes you think about the person

do that makes you think about the person more not so useful so surfing social

more not so useful so surfing social

more not so useful so surfing social media to see what they're doing is not

media to see what they're doing is not

media to see what they're doing is not very useful because that'll just be

very useful because that'll just be

very useful because that'll just be painful if they broke up with you then

painful if they broke up with you then

painful if they broke up with you then they've been thinking about it for a

they've been thinking about it for a

they've been thinking about it for a while until they did it so they're way

while until they did it so they're way

while until they did it so they're way ahead of the process than you and you'll

ahead of the process than you and you'll

ahead of the process than you and you'll be like it just happened two weeks ago

be like it just happened two weeks ago

be like it just happened two weeks ago how come they're out already well it

how come they're out already well it

how come they're out already well it happened two weeks ago for you they've

happened two weeks ago for you they've

happened two weeks ago for you they've been thinking about it for two months so

been thinking about it for two months so

been thinking about it for two months so they're ahead so that can be very very

they're ahead so that can be very very

they're ahead so that can be very very painful or or going through all the

painful or or going through all the

painful or or going through all the momentos and thinking about them it's a

momentos and thinking about them it's a

momentos and thinking about them it's a natural tendency we have it just doesn't

natural tendency we have it just doesn't

natural tendency we have it just doesn't help when it comes to heartbreak because

help when it comes to heartbreak because

help when it comes to heartbreak because it keeps the pain alive and again your

it keeps the pain alive and again your

it keeps the pain alive and again your goal is minimize their presence in your

goal is minimize their presence in your

goal is minimize their presence in your thoughts in your mind not expand it so

thoughts in your mind not expand it so

thoughts in your mind not expand it so again to that end anything you do um you

again to that end anything you do um you

again to that end anything you do um you know should be to minimize and and and

know should be to minimize and and and

know should be to minimize and and and one last quick thing recovering from

one last quick thing recovering from

one last quick thing recovering from grief of all kinds is not a passive

grief of all kinds is not a passive

grief of all kinds is not a passive process I mean it is for a lot of people

process I mean it is for a lot of people

process I mean it is for a lot of people because they're not aware that it should

because they're not aware that it should

because they're not aware that it should be active but there it's an active

be active but there it's an active

be active but there it's an active process because when somebody leaves

process because when somebody leaves

process because when somebody leaves your life they leave voids behind and

your life they leave voids behind and

your life they leave voids behind and those voids need to be filled and the

those voids need to be filled and the

those voids need to be filled and the voids can be concrete things like spaces

voids can be concrete things like spaces

voids can be concrete things like spaces on the wall where pictures used to hang

on the wall where pictures used to hang

on the wall where pictures used to hang or empty drawers or they can be

or empty drawers or they can be

or empty drawers or they can be activities that you don't have anyone to

activities that you don't have anyone to

activities that you don't have anyone to do with now or Social Circles that you

do with now or Social Circles that you

do with now or Social Circles that you lost because they went with your ex or

lost because they went with your ex or

lost because they went with your ex or weekends used to be taken care of but

weekends used to be taken care of but

weekends used to be taken care of but now you don't go visit your grandmother

now you don't go visit your grandmother

now you don't go visit your grandmother anymore because she's not with us so

anymore because she's not with us so

anymore because she's not with us so there's replacement there's refilling of

there's replacement there's refilling of

there's replacement there's refilling of these voids and and that includes also a

these voids and and that includes also a

these voids and and that includes also a sense of identity you know go from being

sense of identity you know go from being

sense of identity you know go from being a we to being an I so again you have to

a we to being an I so again you have to

a we to being an I so again you have to literally change how you're thinking

literally change how you're thinking

literally change how you're thinking about yourself it's a very active

about yourself it's a very active

about yourself it's a very active process and you can heal more quickly if

process and you can heal more quickly if

process and you can heal more quickly if you actually take steps and think about

you actually take steps and think about

you actually take steps and think about it as an active process rather than a

it as an active process rather than a

it as an active process rather than a passive one where you just wait for time

passive one where you just wait for time

passive one where you just wait for time to do its

to do its

to do its work well we have a a lot lot of member

work well we have a a lot lot of member

work well we have a a lot lot of member questions coming in and some sort of

questions coming in and some sort of

questions coming in and some sort of connected to some of the things you were

connected to some of the things you were

connected to some of the things you were just saying now uh guy and I'd love to

just saying now uh guy and I'd love to

just saying now uh guy and I'd love to start bringing them in um so uh sesh K

start bringing them in um so uh sesh K

start bringing them in um so uh sesh K asks about social media and you you

asks about social media and you you

asks about social media and you you referenc this as it relates to breakups

referenc this as it relates to breakups

referenc this as it relates to breakups and sort of being thoughtful about your

and sort of being thoughtful about your

and sort of being thoughtful about your engagement there um sesh asks how do you

engagement there um sesh asks how do you

engagement there um sesh asks how do you deal with the emotional impact of social

deal with the emotional impact of social

deal with the emotional impact of social media in a healthy way so um social

media in a healthy way so um social

media in a healthy way so um social media is something we tend to go to uh

media is something we tend to go to uh

media is something we tend to go to uh well some people live there right you

well some people live there right you

well some people live there right you you're on social media all the time the

you're on social media all the time the

you're on social media all the time the question is how you're using it are you

question is how you're using it are you

question is how you're using it are you using it passively or are you using it

using it passively or are you using it

using it passively or are you using it actively actively means you're engaging

actively actively means you're engaging

actively actively means you're engaging with people you know you're commenting

with people you know you're commenting

with people you know you're commenting on things you're posting things you're

on things you're posting things you're

on things you're posting things you're getting responses from them passively

getting responses from them passively

getting responses from them passively means you're in a bad mood you're

means you're in a bad mood you're

means you're in a bad mood you're feeling low down lonely rejected

feeling low down lonely rejected

feeling low down lonely rejected whatever it is and so you're just

whatever it is and so you're just

whatever it is and so you're just passively scrolling and all you're going

passively scrolling and all you're going

passively scrolling and all you're going to see are the people that you're

to see are the people that you're

to see are the people that you're connected to in their best moments that

connected to in their best moments that

connected to in their best moments that is not going to make you feel better

is not going to make you feel better

is not going to make you feel better when you're feeling down it's going to

when you're feeling down it's going to

when you're feeling down it's going to make you feel feel worse and so social

make you feel feel worse and so social

make you feel feel worse and so social media is something again like the news

media is something again like the news

media is something again like the news we need to curate our usage of and do it

we need to curate our usage of and do it

we need to curate our usage of and do it when it's good for us and avoid it when

when it's good for us and avoid it when

when it's good for us and avoid it when it's not when you're feeling lonely if

it's not when you're feeling lonely if

it's not when you're feeling lonely if you're not using social media to

you're not using social media to

you're not using social media to actually reach out and connect to people

actually reach out and connect to people

actually reach out and connect to people you will feel lonelier and more rejected

you will feel lonelier and more rejected

you will feel lonelier and more rejected and more abandoned and more neglected by

and more abandoned and more neglected by

and more abandoned and more neglected by going on social media and seeing all

going on social media and seeing all

going on social media and seeing all your friends in their happiest moments

your friends in their happiest moments

your friends in their happiest moments now they're not necessarily happy

now they're not necessarily happy

now they're not necessarily happy moments 5 minutes before or after the

moments 5 minutes before or after the

moments 5 minutes before or after the person might have been in Te is but

person might have been in Te is but

person might have been in Te is but that's not what they're posting right so

that's not what they're posting right so

that's not what they're posting right so like so we have to be real about it but

like so we have to be real about it but

like so we have to be real about it but again pay attention to how it makes you

again pay attention to how it makes you

again pay attention to how it makes you feel if it makes you feel good great if

feel if it makes you feel good great if

feel if it makes you feel good great if it makes you feel distressed

it makes you feel distressed

it makes you feel distressed uncomfortable stressed sad whatever then

uncomfortable stressed sad whatever then

uncomfortable stressed sad whatever then realize that's not good for me at this

realize that's not good for me at this

realize that's not good for me at this time I'll take a break from it and sort

time I'll take a break from it and sort

time I'll take a break from it and sort of connected to the sesily asks about

of connected to the sesily asks about

of connected to the sesily asks about setting a filter and this isn't just for

setting a filter and this isn't just for

setting a filter and this isn't just for social media but just sounds like in

social media but just sounds like in

social media but just sounds like in life how do you set your filter to let

life how do you set your filter to let

life how do you set your filter to let things that are helpful in and keep out

things that are helpful in and keep out

things that are helpful in and keep out the toxic things um especially if your

the toxic things um especially if your

the toxic things um especially if your filter is distorted by poor treatment

filter is distorted by poor treatment

filter is distorted by poor treatment from people who you're close with like

from people who you're close with like

from people who you're close with like your your family um I wonder if you know

your your family um I wonder if you know

your your family um I wonder if you know if you find yourself in a moment where

if you find yourself in a moment where

if you find yourself in a moment where you think it's healthy for you to engage

you think it's healthy for you to engage

you think it's healthy for you to engage in social media with social media how

in social media with social media how

in social media with social media how can you still do that and and and allow

can you still do that and and and allow

can you still do that and and and allow for things to come in that feel um like

for things to come in that feel um like

for things to come in that feel um like they're not going to be toxic in your

they're not going to be toxic in your

they're not going to be toxic in your life so look with social media again

life so look with social media again

life so look with social media again constantly have your finger on your

constantly have your finger on your

constantly have your finger on your pulse to see whether this is actually

pulse to see whether this is actually

pulse to see whether this is actually making you feel better or not but again

making you feel better or not but again

making you feel better or not but again if if it's a problematic thing you

if if it's a problematic thing you

if if it's a problematic thing you decide when it's okay for you to do it

decide when it's okay for you to do it

decide when it's okay for you to do it maybe I'll wait till actually get to the

maybe I'll wait till actually get to the

maybe I'll wait till actually get to the event and I'll have some friends around

event and I'll have some friends around

event and I'll have some friends around me and then I'll take 10 minutes just to

me and then I'll take 10 minutes just to

me and then I'll take 10 minutes just to kind of catch up with things but knowing

kind of catch up with things but knowing

kind of catch up with things but knowing that if I'm feeling bad I can go out and

that if I'm feeling bad I can go out and

that if I'm feeling bad I can go out and be with my friends again that will be a

be with my friends again that will be a

be with my friends again that will be a good distraction but I also want to

good distraction but I also want to

good distraction but I also want to refer to what you said about the toxic

refer to what you said about the toxic

refer to what you said about the toxic influences because family and friends

influences because family and friends

influences because family and friends and we go home and the holidays can be

and we go home and the holidays can be

and we go home and the holidays can be events where we're exposed to many

events where we're exposed to many

events where we're exposed to many people and some of them might not be the

people and some of them might not be the

people and some of them might not be the best influences on our life or not make

best influences on our life or not make

best influences on our life or not make us necessarily feel great we tend to be

us necessarily feel great we tend to be

us necessarily feel great we tend to be very much on autopilot when it comes to

very much on autopilot when it comes to

very much on autopilot when it comes to the holidays we just go passively and

the holidays we just go passively and

the holidays we just go passively and show up for the thing and do the same

show up for the thing and do the same

show up for the thing and do the same thing often every year or we just show

thing often every year or we just show

thing often every year or we just show up again curate if you know it's

up again curate if you know it's

up again curate if you know it's stressful for you to go home because

stressful for you to go home because

stressful for you to go home because your relationship with your parent is

your relationship with your parent is

your relationship with your parent is strained or there's a sibling there

strained or there's a sibling there

strained or there's a sibling there that's problematic or an uncle or an

that's problematic or an uncle or an

that's problematic or an uncle or an aunt or whatever the thing is if you

aunt or whatever the thing is if you

aunt or whatever the thing is if you know that be very thoughtful and be very

know that be very thoughtful and be very

know that be very thoughtful and be very deliberate in what would work for you

deliberate in what would work for you

deliberate in what would work for you maybe you don't go home for a week I

maybe you don't go home for a week I

maybe you don't go home for a week I every year and I'm sure this is for most

every year and I'm sure this is for most

every year and I'm sure this is for most therapists there people who say to me

therapists there people who say to me

therapists there people who say to me like I'm going to go home for a week and

like I'm going to go home for a week and

like I'm going to go home for a week and I have to say like I want to remind you

I have to say like I want to remind you

I have to say like I want to remind you that last year on day three you wrote me

that last year on day three you wrote me

that last year on day three you wrote me an email saying remind me next year that

an email saying remind me next year that

an email saying remind me next year that I shouldn't go home for that long I'm

I shouldn't go home for that long I'm

I shouldn't go home for that long I'm reminding you and a lot of people will

reminding you and a lot of people will

reminding you and a lot of people will be like no it'll be fine and I'll be no

be like no it'll be fine and I'll be no

be like no it'll be fine and I'll be no it won't it's the thing it just just

it won't it's the thing it just just

it won't it's the thing it just just won't it's such a the time of year we

won't it's such a the time of year we

won't it's such a the time of year we get so optimistic and so idealistic but

get so optimistic and so idealistic but

get so optimistic and so idealistic but if you know that then then make it

if you know that then then make it

if you know that then then make it shorter but sweeter introduce breaks at

shorter but sweeter introduce breaks at

shorter but sweeter introduce breaks at if you're around people and it's just

if you're around people and it's just

if you're around people and it's just very very intense some families can be

very very intense some families can be

very very intense some families can be very intense make a plan with some

very intense make a plan with some

very intense make a plan with some friends that you'll go out for walks

friends that you'll go out for walks

friends that you'll go out for walks with them that you'll take a break that

with them that you'll take a break that

with them that you'll take a break that like be proactive in figuring out how do

like be proactive in figuring out how do

like be proactive in figuring out how do I curate this season so it works better

I curate this season so it works better

I curate this season so it works better for me and then how do I inform people

for me and then how do I inform people

for me and then how do I inform people and then I'll let them know that I you

and then I'll let them know that I you

and then I'll let them know that I you know i' love to come super excited I'm

know i' love to come super excited I'm

know i' love to come super excited I'm going to have a couple of times where

going to have a couple of times where

going to have a couple of times where I'm going to have to be outside the

I'm going to have to be outside the

I'm going to have to be outside the house to meet you know people and it'll

house to meet you know people and it'll

house to meet you know people and it'll be fine but you let people know ahead of

be fine but you let people know ahead of

be fine but you let people know ahead of time but do the thing that will work for

time but do the thing that will work for

time but do the thing that will work for you don't just passively go to it and

you don't just passively go to it and

you don't just passively go to it and hope for the best even though every year

hope for the best even though every year

hope for the best even though every year is the same

is the same

is the same thing thank you for all of that I think

thing thank you for all of that I think

thing thank you for all of that I think um you know for a lot of us you know who

um you know for a lot of us you know who

um you know for a lot of us you know who who work there's a question around how

who work there's a question around how

who work there's a question around how employers can be part of this or how you

employers can be part of this or how you

employers can be part of this or how you if you are a manager how you can also

if you are a manager how you can also

if you are a manager how you can also help people through some of these

help people through some of these

help people through some of these challenges and um and and Anna and Paula

challenges and um and and Anna and Paula

challenges and um and and Anna and Paula both ask a question about companies and

both ask a question about companies and

both ask a question about companies and how they can be more empathetic to

how they can be more empathetic to

how they can be more empathetic to burnout and mental health struggles and

burnout and mental health struggles and

burnout and mental health struggles and and what role they might play in um in

and what role they might play in um in

and what role they might play in um in these sorts of situations

these sorts of situations

these sorts of situations so look um we said the workplace is very

so look um we said the workplace is very

so look um we said the workplace is very stressful right now and people are

stressful right now and people are

stressful right now and people are feeling very stressed and burnt out and

feeling very stressed and burnt out and

feeling very stressed and burnt out and when we're feeling stressed we need a

when we're feeling stressed we need a

when we're feeling stressed we need a break from that stress and we can't get

break from that stress and we can't get

break from that stress and we can't get it if we're expected to be responding to

it if we're expected to be responding to

it if we're expected to be responding to emails um while we're on holiday or

emails um while we're on holiday or

emails um while we're on holiday or checking in to meetings or doing all

checking in to meetings or doing all

checking in to meetings or doing all those things instead of getting a break

those things instead of getting a break

those things instead of getting a break so if you're an employer give your

so if you're an employer give your

so if you're an employer give your employees a true break don't you know

employees a true break don't you know

employees a true break don't you know give them a few days off but without

give them a few days off but without

give them a few days off but without emails without expectations don't load

emails without expectations don't load

emails without expectations don't load them up schools do there's universities

them up schools do there's universities

them up schools do there's universities too there's some universities that will

too there's some universities that will

too there's some universities that will be like here's the break when you come

be like here's the break when you come

be like here's the break when you come back all your uh finals are going to

back all your uh finals are going to

back all your uh finals are going to happen well merry Christmas you know

happen well merry Christmas you know

happen well merry Christmas you know good luck there you know that it's not

good luck there you know that it's not

good luck there you know that it's not going to be a fun holiday when you have

going to be a fun holiday when you have

going to be a fun holiday when you have to study for finals or be present in the

to study for finals or be present in the

to study for finals or be present in the holiday and do Poly on them so there

holiday and do Poly on them so there

holiday and do Poly on them so there there's a lot we can do to give people

there's a lot we can do to give people

there's a lot we can do to give people the break they need it's truly almost

the break they need it's truly almost

the break they need it's truly almost the only time of year where most people

the only time of year where most people

the only time of year where most people globally are working less there's less

globally are working less there's less

globally are working less there's less going on so use that to not force your

going on so use that to not force your

going on so use that to not force your employees or to not have to show up for

employees or to not have to show up for

employees or to not have to show up for work in ways which are stressful and and

work in ways which are stressful and and

work in ways which are stressful and and prevent them from getting the break they

prevent them from getting the break they

prevent them from getting the break they need and it's not just the emails it's

need and it's not just the emails it's

need and it's not just the emails it's the fact that they have to check to see

the fact that they have to check to see

the fact that they have to check to see if they getting them so tell them don't

if they getting them so tell them don't

if they getting them so tell them don't even check in put an out of office

even check in put an out of office

even check in put an out of office message if you can because then you can

message if you can because then you can

message if you can because then you can really truly get a break and if you're a

really truly get a break and if you're a

really truly get a break and if you're a manager then give that gift to your

manager then give that gift to your

manager then give that gift to your employees we know from the research they

employees we know from the research they

employees we know from the research they will come back

will come back

will come back more productive more motivated and more

more productive more motivated and more

more productive more motivated and more engaged if they get a real break than if

engaged if they get a real break than if

engaged if they get a real break than if they

they

they don't and um this seems like this is

don't and um this seems like this is

don't and um this seems like this is great advice not just in the workplace

great advice not just in the workplace

great advice not just in the workplace but also just for for people around you

but also just for for people around you

but also just for for people around you in other settings you mentioned School

in other settings you mentioned School

in other settings you mentioned School settings but also if you just have

settings but also if you just have

settings but also if you just have friends and and family other loved ones

friends and and family other loved ones

friends and and family other loved ones in your life who you see are struggling

in your life who you see are struggling

in your life who you see are struggling emotionally uh Kim W is curious about

emotionally uh Kim W is curious about

emotionally uh Kim W is curious about how we can support friends and family uh

how we can support friends and family uh

how we can support friends and family uh who are struggling with emotional health

who are struggling with emotional health

who are struggling with emotional health so I'm going to tell you what uh you can

so I'm going to tell you what uh you can

so I'm going to tell you what uh you can do but before that I'm just going to

do but before that I'm just going to

do but before that I'm just going to tell you when you study to be a

tell you when you study to be a

tell you when you study to be a psychologist there is some point in

psychologist there is some point in

psychologist there is some point in which they put you in a room with

which they put you in a room with

which they put you in a room with someone and say of you go and you

someone and say of you go and you

someone and say of you go and you basically have no training at that point

basically have no training at that point

basically have no training at that point so how are you to help someone without

so how are you to help someone without

so how are you to help someone without training when you start out well the

training when you start out well the

training when you start out well the most important thing you can do when you

most important thing you can do when you

most important thing you can do when you start out without training is the thing

start out without training is the thing

start out without training is the thing that you can do without training which

that you can do without training which

that you can do without training which is to listen and support and why that's

is to listen and support and why that's

is to listen and support and why that's important is it's actually incredibly

important is it's actually incredibly

important is it's actually incredibly valuable when we feel heard and seen and

valuable when we feel heard and seen and

valuable when we feel heard and seen and understood and supported it is extremely

understood and supported it is extremely

understood and supported it is extremely powerful it literally elevates our mood

powerful it literally elevates our mood

powerful it literally elevates our mood it makes us feel a little stronger it

it makes us feel a little stronger it

it makes us feel a little stronger it makes whatever the pain that we're going

makes whatever the pain that we're going

makes whatever the pain that we're going through feel less intense it is very

through feel less intense it is very

through feel less intense it is very very impactful and any one of you can

very impactful and any one of you can

very impactful and any one of you can give that gift to another person just by

give that gift to another person just by

give that gift to another person just by listening and validating their feelings

listening and validating their feelings

listening and validating their feelings you don't have to agree that you would

you don't have to agree that you would

you don't have to agree that you would feel the same way you just have to

feel the same way you just have to

feel the same way you just have to validate that I get why you feel the way

validate that I get why you feel the way

validate that I get why you feel the way you do in that situation so listening to

you do in that situation so listening to

you do in that situation so listening to someone and saying to them if you see

someone and saying to them if you see

someone and saying to them if you see someone in distress in the family just

someone in distress in the family just

someone in distress in the family just say let's go for a walk and chat now

say let's go for a walk and chat now

say let's go for a walk and chat now they will open up or not you can give

they will open up or not you can give

they will open up or not you can give them the space to do that you know if if

them the space to do that you know if if

them the space to do that you know if if you say how are things and they don't

you say how are things and they don't

you say how are things and they don't want to talk about it they won't but by

want to talk about it they won't but by

want to talk about it they won't but by giving them the space and the

giving them the space and the

giving them the space and the opportunity you're doing a lot and then

opportunity you're doing a lot and then

opportunity you're doing a lot and then if they do open up then you get to say

if they do open up then you get to say

if they do open up then you get to say to them like well tell me more and oh my

to them like well tell me more and oh my

to them like well tell me more and oh my goodness how did that feel and and and

goodness how did that feel and and and

goodness how did that feel and and and just be there for them and the fact that

just be there for them and the fact that

just be there for them and the fact that they'll see that you're interested

they'll see that you're interested

they'll see that you're interested you're curious you're asking questions

you're curious you're asking questions

you're curious you're asking questions you want to know you're you know you're

you want to know you're you know you're

you want to know you're you know you're compassionate that is incredibly

compassionate that is incredibly

compassionate that is incredibly powerful and Incredibly useful and so

powerful and Incredibly useful and so

powerful and Incredibly useful and so listening seems like it's not a lot to

listening seems like it's not a lot to

listening seems like it's not a lot to some people it's actually a ton and so

some people it's actually a ton and so

some people it's actually a ton and so don't underestimate the power of that

don't underestimate the power of that

don't underestimate the power of that and the gift that you can give by doing

and the gift that you can give by doing

and the gift that you can give by doing that with another

that with another

that with another person and there are a lot of people who

person and there are a lot of people who

person and there are a lot of people who are reacting really positively to what

are reacting really positively to what

are reacting really positively to what you're saying and um I see um Amy and

you're saying and um I see um Amy and

you're saying and um I see um Amy and Kim are both curious about the the

Kim are both curious about the the

Kim are both curious about the the impact that doing this for others can

impact that doing this for others can

impact that doing this for others can have on your own emotional

have on your own emotional

have on your own emotional health well kindness It's one of these

health well kindness It's one of these

health well kindness It's one of these things that has been studied so much and

things that has been studied so much and

things that has been studied so much and kindness is truly a um what's the

kindness is truly a um what's the

kindness is truly a um what's the opposite of a double-edged sword a a two

opposite of a double-edged sword a a two

opposite of a double-edged sword a a two side bun bun I don't know what like

side bun bun I don't know what like

side bun bun I don't know what like whatever it's it's the thing it it it

whatever it's it's the thing it it it

whatever it's it's the thing it it it gives and gives in other words by being

gives and gives in other words by being

gives and gives in other words by being kind to another person it is very

kind to another person it is very

kind to another person it is very recharging for the person who does the

recharging for the person who does the

recharging for the person who does the kindness because you feel connected you

kindness because you feel connected you

kindness because you feel connected you feel like you've done something useful

feel like you've done something useful

feel like you've done something useful and we are social animals so we are

and we are social animals so we are

and we are social animals so we are programmed um in theory to feel good

programmed um in theory to feel good

programmed um in theory to feel good about supporting the people in our

about supporting the people in our

about supporting the people in our tribes and so when you do a kindness and

tribes and so when you do a kindness and

tribes and so when you do a kindness and it can be to a stranger you will feel

it can be to a stranger you will feel

it can be to a stranger you will feel better for it as will the other person

better for it as will the other person

better for it as will the other person and you will feel more connected to them

and you will feel more connected to them

and you will feel more connected to them for it so it's truly the kind of thing

for it so it's truly the kind of thing

for it so it's truly the kind of thing we should be doing 365 days a year and

we should be doing 365 days a year and

we should be doing 365 days a year and all the time because it truly gives

all the time because it truly gives

all the time because it truly gives dividends it's one of those Investments

dividends it's one of those Investments

dividends it's one of those Investments That rewards everyone it's a win-win so

That rewards everyone it's a win-win so

That rewards everyone it's a win-win so yes be kind because you will benefit

yes be kind because you will benefit

yes be kind because you will benefit from it as well and it sounds like this

from it as well and it sounds like this

from it as well and it sounds like this also applies Beyond just trying to give

also applies Beyond just trying to give

also applies Beyond just trying to give people emotional health or lending an

people emotional health or lending an

people emotional health or lending an ear but um cat asks about service actual

ear but um cat asks about service actual

ear but um cat asks about service actual you know performing acts of service and

you know performing acts of service and

you know performing acts of service and community service and how that might

community service and how that might

community service and how that might influence emotional

influence emotional

influence emotional health it it's a very very it's similar

health it it's a very very it's similar

health it it's a very very it's similar to kindness but in a larger scale

to kindness but in a larger scale

to kindness but in a larger scale because when you're doing acts of

because when you're doing acts of

because when you're doing acts of service you're you're you're

service you're you're you're

service you're you're you're volunteering somewhere you're working in

volunteering somewhere you're working in

volunteering somewhere you're working in a soup kitchen you're donating food

a soup kitchen you're donating food

a soup kitchen you're donating food you're your you're helping uh people in

you're your you're helping uh people in

you're your you're helping uh people in need um that is is the kind of thing

need um that is is the kind of thing

need um that is is the kind of thing that makes you feel and them that we are

that makes you feel and them that we are

that makes you feel and them that we are all connected we used to be hunter

all connected we used to be hunter

all connected we used to be hunter gatherers in small tribes around 100 150

gatherers in small tribes around 100 150

gatherers in small tribes around 100 150 people at Max and so everyone knew

people at Max and so everyone knew

people at Max and so everyone knew everyone so you couldn't get away with

everyone so you couldn't get away with

everyone so you couldn't get away with not being kind you couldn't get away

not being kind you couldn't get away

not being kind you couldn't get away with staying in your know tent whatever

with staying in your know tent whatever

with staying in your know tent whatever cave you know and and not participating

cave you know and and not participating

cave you know and and not participating would be noticeable and so we are

would be noticeable and so we are

would be noticeable and so we are actually wired to benefit from that and

actually wired to benefit from that and

actually wired to benefit from that and to feel good about doing that and to

to feel good about doing that and to

to feel good about doing that and to reinforce our social bonds in doing so

reinforce our social bonds in doing so

reinforce our social bonds in doing so and and feeling like you are OBS service

and and feeling like you are OBS service

and and feeling like you are OBS service to people again is a is a an enriching

to people again is a is a an enriching

to people again is a is a an enriching feeling both ways and so it's a great

feeling both ways and so it's a great

feeling both ways and so it's a great way to do something that's actually good

way to do something that's actually good

way to do something that's actually good in the world and gain the benefits from

in the world and gain the benefits from

in the world and gain the benefits from it and a lot of people when they do acts

it and a lot of people when they do acts

it and a lot of people when they do acts of service are in a situation where

of service are in a situation where

of service are in a situation where they're meeting other people who are

they're meeting other people who are

they're meeting other people who are doing those acts of service so clearly

doing those acts of service so clearly

doing those acts of service so clearly you're meeting people who think like you

you're meeting people who think like you

you're meeting people who think like you who are also into contributing and to

who are also into contributing and to

who are also into contributing and to being kind and to being you know

being kind and to being you know

being kind and to being you know proactive and and and vital parts of

proactive and and and vital parts of

proactive and and and vital parts of their communities so it's a great way to

their communities so it's a great way to

their communities so it's a great way to meet people of like Minds as well so the

meet people of like Minds as well so the

meet people of like Minds as well so the benefits is just numerous

benefits is just numerous

benefits is just numerous um well I've been sprinkling in

um well I've been sprinkling in

um well I've been sprinkling in questions from um the audience to some

questions from um the audience to some

questions from um the audience to some of these questions and I want to ask a

of these questions and I want to ask a

of these questions and I want to ask a few uh that are a little bit will pivot

few uh that are a little bit will pivot

few uh that are a little bit will pivot a little bit for us um so so Lynn um B

a little bit for us um so so Lynn um B

a little bit for us um so so Lynn um B asks about balance um you know she notes

asks about balance um you know she notes

asks about balance um you know she notes that ignorance may not always be blissed

that ignorance may not always be blissed

that ignorance may not always be blissed how do we balance the need to deal with

how do we balance the need to deal with

how do we balance the need to deal with the things that cause us stress and the

the things that cause us stress and the

the things that cause us stress and the need to put those feelings away um so I

need to put those feelings away um so I

need to put those feelings away um so I guess separate from the idea of tackling

guess separate from the idea of tackling

guess separate from the idea of tackling those things when you feel ready how can

those things when you feel ready how can

those things when you feel ready how can you uh find this balance when you have

you uh find this balance when you have

you uh find this balance when you have to just you just have to get on with

to just you just have to get on with

to just you just have to get on with things um even if they cause you stress

things um even if they cause you stress

things um even if they cause you stress it's such an important question and I'm

it's such an important question and I'm

it's such an important question and I'm so glad you asked it because it is

so glad you asked it because it is

so glad you asked it because it is actually about balance it's about a onew

actually about balance it's about a onew

actually about balance it's about a onew step it's a dance of two steps and the

step it's a dance of two steps and the

step it's a dance of two steps and the first step is the emotional step that is

first step is the emotional step that is

first step is the emotional step that is being able to get in touch with the

being able to get in touch with the

being able to get in touch with the feelings you have being able to express

feelings you have being able to express

feelings you have being able to express the feelings you have being able to talk

the feelings you have being able to talk

the feelings you have being able to talk about the distress that you might be in

about the distress that you might be in

about the distress that you might be in being able to share that with other

being able to share that with other

being able to share that with other people hopefully get the validation from

people hopefully get the validation from

people hopefully get the validation from them hopefully have someone who listens

them hopefully have someone who listens

them hopefully have someone who listens well and can do that for you so the the

well and can do that for you so the the

well and can do that for you so the the first step is the emotional step the

first step is the emotional step the

first step is the emotional step the second step is the problem solving step

second step is the problem solving step

second step is the problem solving step the action step because it should be yes

the action step because it should be yes

the action step because it should be yes this is terrible I'm so sad about it I'm

this is terrible I'm so sad about it I'm

this is terrible I'm so sad about it I'm so upset etc etc etc now what can I do

so upset etc etc etc now what can I do

so upset etc etc etc now what can I do should follow that because otherwise you

should follow that because otherwise you

should follow that because otherwise you just left with a distress and when two

just left with a distress and when two

just left with a distress and when two people start doing that with one another

people start doing that with one another

people start doing that with one another they can get into something we call co-

they can get into something we call co-

they can get into something we call co- rumination where oh and you know and it

rumination where oh and you know and it

rumination where oh and you know and it was bad for me too and I'm upset about

was bad for me too and I'm upset about

was bad for me too and I'm upset about this I know and I'm upset about this and

this I know and I'm upset about this and

this I know and I'm upset about this and and and you just end up spending too

and and you just end up spending too

and and you just end up spending too much time in the distress without moving

much time in the distress without moving

much time in the distress without moving to an action to be able to um manage it

to an action to be able to um manage it

to an action to be able to um manage it a little bit better so the the second

a little bit better so the the second

a little bit better so the the second part the action part is so what can I do

part the action part is so what can I do

part the action part is so what can I do and what can I do doesn't necessarily

and what can I do doesn't necessarily

and what can I do doesn't necessarily just mean an action it can also mean how

just mean an action it can also mean how

just mean an action it can also mean how can I think about this differently so

can I think about this differently so

can I think about this differently so that it's less distressing fundamentally

that it's less distressing fundamentally

that it's less distressing fundamentally because I'm seeing it from a different

because I'm seeing it from a different

because I'm seeing it from a different perspective for example I'm zooming out

perspective for example I'm zooming out

perspective for example I'm zooming out in time and seeing it as this is a very

in time and seeing it as this is a very

in time and seeing it as this is a very challenging holiday for me but if I can

challenging holiday for me but if I can

challenging holiday for me but if I can get through it I will come out of it

get through it I will come out of it

get through it I will come out of it much more resilient because I'll have

much more resilient because I'll have

much more resilient because I'll have figure out how to get through it and

figure out how to get through it and

figure out how to get through it and what resources I can use in terms of

what resources I can use in terms of

what resources I can use in terms of support in terms of planning in terms of

support in terms of planning in terms of

support in terms of planning in terms of my own mental state and so this is a

my own mental state and so this is a

my own mental state and so this is a difficult moment in time for me I will

difficult moment in time for me I will

difficult moment in time for me I will get through it on the other side even

get through it on the other side even

get through it on the other side even changing that perspective can ease some

changing that perspective can ease some

changing that perspective can ease some of the distress but that's an action

of the distress but that's an action

of the distress but that's an action item that's a let yes I'm I'm upset I'm

item that's a let yes I'm I'm upset I'm

item that's a let yes I'm I'm upset I'm distressed and distressed what can I do

distressed and distressed what can I do

distressed and distressed what can I do to help myself to get help to see it

to help myself to get help to see it

to help myself to get help to see it differently to manage it more

differently to manage it more

differently to manage it more productively so it's less impactful or

productively so it's less impactful or

productively so it's less impactful or less destructive to me that's the

less destructive to me that's the

less destructive to me that's the balance that when you go to the

balance that when you go to the

balance that when you go to the emotional piece you also want to have an

emotional piece you also want to have an

emotional piece you also want to have an action piece that

action piece that

action piece that follows so much of this sounds like it's

follows so much of this sounds like it's

follows so much of this sounds like it's the way you are thinking about this the

the way you are thinking about this the

the way you are thinking about this the way you're looking at the this the

way you're looking at the this the

way you're looking at the this the situation your perspective here um is is

situation your perspective here um is is

situation your perspective here um is is really key um and and we have a couple

really key um and and we have a couple

really key um and and we have a couple questions uh related to the holidays and

questions uh related to the holidays and

questions uh related to the holidays and responding to S to what you've mentioned

responding to S to what you've mentioned

responding to S to what you've mentioned around decisions to go home or decisions

around decisions to go home or decisions

around decisions to go home or decisions to you know to spend time with family um

to you know to spend time with family um

to you know to spend time with family um Annette asks how do you set that

Annette asks how do you set that

Annette asks how do you set that boundary with family when you decide not

boundary with family when you decide not

boundary with family when you decide not to go home um and they might not

to go home um and they might not

to go home um and they might not understand your reasoning which may also

understand your reasoning which may also

understand your reasoning which may also cause other anxiety and stress just from

cause other anxiety and stress just from

cause other anxiety and stress just from afar so if you decide not to go home and

afar so if you decide not to go home and

afar so if you decide not to go home and I'm just I'm making this up I'm not

I'm just I'm making this up I'm not

I'm just I'm making this up I'm not saying this is your situation the person

saying this is your situation the person

saying this is your situation the person who asked the question but let's say you

who asked the question but let's say you

who asked the question but let's say you decided not to go home because it tends

decided not to go home because it tends

decided not to go home because it tends out to be stressful and difficult and

out to be stressful and difficult and

out to be stressful and difficult and you'll have a much better time staying

you'll have a much better time staying

you'll have a much better time staying behind and being with friends say um

behind and being with friends say um

behind and being with friends say um great you set the boundary you said no

great you set the boundary you said no

great you set the boundary you said no I'm not coming home now when you set the

I'm not coming home now when you set the

I'm not coming home now when you set the boundary you if the message is I'm not

boundary you if the message is I'm not

boundary you if the message is I'm not coming home you don't necessarily have

coming home you don't necessarily have

coming home you don't necessarily have to say because you stress me out and

to say because you stress me out and

to say because you stress me out and you're too difficult and you have a mood

you're too difficult and you have a mood

you're too difficult and you have a mood and you have a temper not necessary once

and you have a temper not necessary once

and you have a temper not necessary once you said you're not coming home you can

you said you're not coming home you can

you said you're not coming home you can say like I'm not able to come home this

say like I'm not able to come home this

say like I'm not able to come home this year I really want to also see my

year I really want to also see my

year I really want to also see my friends I never get to have a holiday

friends I never get to have a holiday

friends I never get to have a holiday season with them they're important

season with them they're important

season with them they're important they're part of my daily life and so I'm

they're part of my daily life and so I'm

they're part of my daily life and so I'm making that choice this year I will miss

making that choice this year I will miss

making that choice this year I will miss you very much I'm sure you'll miss me

you very much I'm sure you'll miss me

you very much I'm sure you'll miss me here's when I'll see you next but you

here's when I'll see you next but you

here's when I'll see you next but you can be very clear about what the

can be very clear about what the

can be very clear about what the boundary is that's a boundary of not

boundary is that's a boundary of not

boundary is that's a boundary of not going in the first place the other

going in the first place the other

going in the first place the other boundaries you might said are hey I'm

boundaries you might said are hey I'm

boundaries you might said are hey I'm coming home but these are the things I

coming home but these are the things I

coming home but these are the things I would rather not talk about because they

would rather not talk about because they

would rather not talk about because they those conversations don't tend to go

those conversations don't tend to go

those conversations don't tend to go well between us so I'm asking you please

well between us so I'm asking you please

well between us so I'm asking you please don't ask me about a b or c when you set

don't ask me about a b or c when you set

don't ask me about a b or c when you set a boundary like that it's fine to do and

a boundary like that it's fine to do and

a boundary like that it's fine to do and you can explain it but the magic is not

you can explain it but the magic is not

you can explain it but the magic is not in the setting of The Boundary it's in

in the setting of The Boundary it's in

in the setting of The Boundary it's in the maintaining of the boundary because

the maintaining of the boundary because

the maintaining of the boundary because your family your friends your loved ones

your family your friends your loved ones

your family your friends your loved ones will test the boundary uh they're really

will test the boundary uh they're really

will test the boundary uh they're really serious well but just just tell me this

serious well but just just tell me this

serious well but just just tell me this one thing about that thing you told me

one thing about that thing you told me

one thing about that thing you told me you want to talk about so don't get

you want to talk about so don't get

you want to talk about so don't get upset when that happens it's a very

upset when that happens it's a very

upset when that happens it's a very natural thing for people to want to test

natural thing for people to want to test

natural thing for people to want to test like well are you really serious where

like well are you really serious where

like well are you really serious where is that boundary you just maintain it

is that boundary you just maintain it

is that boundary you just maintain it and you say like oh I get the Curiosity

and you say like oh I get the Curiosity

and you say like oh I get the Curiosity but to remind you that's not something I

but to remind you that's not something I

but to remind you that's not something I want to talk about and then you redirect

want to talk about and then you redirect

want to talk about and then you redirect you know look at the birdie distract you

you know look at the birdie distract you

you know look at the birdie distract you know like oh let's sing Christmas CS you

know like oh let's sing Christmas CS you

know like oh let's sing Christmas CS you know you do something to kind of move it

know you do something to kind of move it

know you do something to kind of move it along but you might have to maintain the

along but you might have to maintain the

along but you might have to maintain the boundary numerous numerous times and

boundary numerous numerous times and

boundary numerous numerous times and don't get upset by doing that it's just

don't get upset by doing that it's just

don't get upset by doing that it's just that's a natural thing but just be very

that's a natural thing but just be very

that's a natural thing but just be very clear with your expectations that I will

clear with your expectations that I will

clear with your expectations that I will set it that's not Magic I will then have

set it that's not Magic I will then have

set it that's not Magic I will then have to maintain it and maybe numerous times

to maintain it and maybe numerous times

to maintain it and maybe numerous times you can explain the why to people does

you can explain the why to people does

you can explain the why to people does not mean they will understand the

not mean they will understand the

not mean they will understand the explanation or accept it but you can

explanation or accept it but you can

explanation or accept it but you can explain it once but after that if they

explain it once but after that if they

explain it once but after that if they don't accept it you don't have to

don't accept it you don't have to

don't accept it you don't have to convince them you just have to maintain

convince them you just have to maintain

convince them you just have to maintain the boundary you don't have to change

the boundary you don't have to change

the boundary you don't have to change their mind just their

their mind just their

their mind just their behavior boundaries are um so key it

behavior boundaries are um so key it

behavior boundaries are um so key it sounds like here and yes um a challenge

sounds like here and yes um a challenge

sounds like here and yes um a challenge I think for for a lot for a lot of us

I think for for a lot for a lot of us

I think for for a lot for a lot of us especially when it comes to family so

especially when it comes to family so

especially when it comes to family so that's that's really great to great

that's that's really great to great

that's that's really great to great advice um well I we have another

advice um well I we have another

advice um well I we have another question here from from Paulo um who

question here from from Paulo um who

question here from from Paulo um who references how a lot of the things

references how a lot of the things

references how a lot of the things you're talking about here is related to

you're talking about here is related to

you're talking about here is related to um situations that may pass um but what

um situations that may pass um but what

um situations that may pass um but what about how you manage stress when you're

about how you manage stress when you're

about how you manage stress when you're talking about things that um are more

talking about things that um are more

talking about things that um are more permanent uh you know children who have

permanent uh you know children who have

permanent uh you know children who have moved to other countries or uh someone

moved to other countries or uh someone

moved to other countries or uh someone who's dealing with a lifelong

who's dealing with a lifelong

who's dealing with a lifelong restrictive condition um what are some

restrictive condition um what are some

restrictive condition um what are some strategies you can use to manage

strategies you can use to manage

strategies you can use to manage emotional well being when it comes to

emotional well being when it comes to

emotional well being when it comes to tackling those kinds of

tackling those kinds of

tackling those kinds of situations well those kinds of

situations well those kinds of

situations well those kinds of situations if somebody has a disability

situations if somebody has a disability

situations if somebody has a disability or they say they were injured or the

or they say they were injured or the

or they say they were injured or the health declined in some way that

health declined in some way that

health declined in some way that impacted their functioning or children

impacted their functioning or children

impacted their functioning or children left home empty nest you know uh parents

left home empty nest you know uh parents

left home empty nest you know uh parents moved away and your best friend left

moved away and your best friend left

moved away and your best friend left those those kinds of things they're very

those those kinds of things they're very

those those kinds of things they're very difficult at the beginning but we do

difficult at the beginning but we do

difficult at the beginning but we do adapt to them they're not chronic

adapt to them they're not chronic

adapt to them they're not chronic stressors they are you know temporary

stressors they are you know temporary

stressors they are you know temporary stressors until we adjust to that

stressors until we adjust to that

stressors until we adjust to that situation that's what grieving is about

situation that's what grieving is about

situation that's what grieving is about I mentioned grieving earlier when you

I mentioned grieving earlier when you

I mentioned grieving earlier when you lose someone at some point you do adapt

lose someone at some point you do adapt

lose someone at some point you do adapt to life without them it's just painful

to life without them it's just painful

to life without them it's just painful until you do so we are very adaptive by

until you do so we are very adaptive by

until you do so we are very adaptive by Nature we tend to get used to situations

Nature we tend to get used to situations

Nature we tend to get used to situations and much more quickly than we tend to

and much more quickly than we tend to

and much more quickly than we tend to anticipate it doesn't mean we like it

anticipate it doesn't mean we like it

anticipate it doesn't mean we like it but just the pain and the stress that it

but just the pain and the stress that it

but just the pain and the stress that it causes becomes more chronic than acute

causes becomes more chronic than acute

causes becomes more chronic than acute it's less sharp and more dull and so we

it's less sharp and more dull and so we

it's less sharp and more dull and so we do get used to those things but if there

do get used to those things but if there

do get used to those things but if there have been these big changes in your life

have been these big changes in your life

have been these big changes in your life this is what I was referring to earlier

this is what I was referring to earlier

this is what I was referring to earlier when I said when there are big losses in

when I said when there are big losses in

when I said when there are big losses in your life and the losses can be not just

your life and the losses can be not just

your life and the losses can be not just from Death Or from heartbreak but

from Death Or from heartbreak but

from Death Or from heartbreak but children leaving home which is a natural

children leaving home which is a natural

children leaving home which is a natural thing for them to do or a best friend

thing for them to do or a best friend

thing for them to do or a best friend moving away which which can happen then

moving away which which can happen then

moving away which which can happen then it's about there's a void there and if

it's about there's a void there and if

it's about there's a void there and if you're feeling those losses in an

you're feeling those losses in an

you're feeling those losses in an ongoing way it's because you haven't

ongoing way it's because you haven't

ongoing way it's because you haven't filled that void yet and you need to

filled that void yet and you need to

filled that void yet and you need to work on doing that so that it doesn't

work on doing that so that it doesn't

work on doing that so that it doesn't feel that acute over time so that it

feel that acute over time so that it

feel that acute over time so that it becom is a little more chronic and a

becom is a little more chronic and a

becom is a little more chronic and a little less painful which it will become

little less painful which it will become

little less painful which it will become once you fill those voids once you

once you fill those voids once you

once you fill those voids once you recognize what is missing now that that

recognize what is missing now that that

recognize what is missing now that that person or that circumstance has changed

person or that circumstance has changed

person or that circumstance has changed and how you adapt to

and how you adapt to

and how you adapt to it this is great and we have so many

it this is great and we have so many

it this is great and we have so many great questions coming in from our

great questions coming in from our

great questions coming in from our members and thank you guys for sending

members and thank you guys for sending

members and thank you guys for sending them in and keep them coming uh we have

them in and keep them coming uh we have

them in and keep them coming uh we have a really good one from Lisa uh Lisa ask

a really good one from Lisa uh Lisa ask

a really good one from Lisa uh Lisa ask for advice for empaths um in intensely

for advice for empaths um in intensely

for advice for empaths um in intensely competitive environments um she talks

competitive environments um she talks

competitive environments um she talks about her own experience of finding

about her own experience of finding

about her own experience of finding techniques to sort of stop this um

techniques to sort of stop this um

techniques to sort of stop this um anxious Loop that she might experience

anxious Loop that she might experience

anxious Loop that she might experience uh when she's in these spaces um that

uh when she's in these spaces um that

uh when she's in these spaces um that have these techniques have not always

have these techniques have not always

have these techniques have not always worked for her and so she's wondering if

worked for her and so she's wondering if

worked for her and so she's wondering if you have any advice for how you can

you have any advice for how you can

you have any advice for how you can interrupt um an anxiety Loop when you

interrupt um an anxiety Loop when you

interrupt um an anxiety Loop when you around peers um whose energy might be

around peers um whose energy might be

around peers um whose energy might be negatively affecting you so first of all

negatively affecting you so first of all

negatively affecting you so first of all to disrupt any kind of thinking Loop

to disrupt any kind of thinking Loop

to disrupt any kind of thinking Loop whether it's an anxiety or an obsessive

whether it's an anxiety or an obsessive

whether it's an anxiety or an obsessive thought or something like that um one

thought or something like that um one

thought or something like that um one thing you want to do is the these Loops

thing you want to do is the these Loops

thing you want to do is the these Loops happen because they're fueled by the

happen because they're fueled by the

happen because they're fueled by the emotion that's underlying that anxiety

emotion that's underlying that anxiety

emotion that's underlying that anxiety so let's say uh I didn't quite

so let's say uh I didn't quite

so let's say uh I didn't quite understand what the issue is the

understand what the issue is the

understand what the issue is the colleagues are intense let's say just

colleagues are intense let's say just

colleagues are intense let's say just colleagues tend to be intense so you're

colleagues tend to be intense so you're

colleagues tend to be intense so you're sensitive to that because you're much

sensitive to that because you're much

sensitive to that because you're much more sensitive to those kinds of moods

more sensitive to those kinds of moods

more sensitive to those kinds of moods and they're like big and they're loud

and they're like big and they're loud

and they're like big and they're loud and they're Brash I'm making that part

and they're Brash I'm making that part

and they're Brash I'm making that part up but just as an example so two things

up but just as an example so two things

up but just as an example so two things you can do number one you want to

you can do number one you want to

you can do number one you want to reframe that in your head because if

reframe that in your head because if

reframe that in your head because if you're going into those situations with

you're going into those situations with

you're going into those situations with colleagues so that's every day thinking

colleagues so that's every day thinking

colleagues so that's every day thinking oh my God they're so loud they're so

oh my God they're so loud they're so

oh my God they're so loud they're so intense and I really hate that and I

intense and I really hate that and I

intense and I really hate that and I need more quiet and it's going to be so

need more quiet and it's going to be so

need more quiet and it's going to be so difficult then you're actually setting

difficult then you're actually setting

difficult then you're actually setting yourself up to be more sensitized to

yourself up to be more sensitized to

yourself up to be more sensitized to them because you're anticipating oh this

them because you're anticipating oh this

them because you're anticipating oh this is going to be really difficult so one

is going to be really difficult so one

is going to be really difficult so one thing you can do is you want to try and

thing you can do is you want to try and

thing you can do is you want to try and get emotional distance from that um

get emotional distance from that um

get emotional distance from that um experience and so you want to say to you

experience and so you want to say to you

experience and so you want to say to you you want to reframe what they're doing

you want to reframe what they're doing

you want to reframe what they're doing they're just being boisterous or they're

they're just being boisterous or they're

they're just being boisterous or they're just they love being big I don't love

just they love being big I don't love

just they love being big I don't love being big but let them have their fun

being big but let them have their fun

being big but let them have their fun like try and get some distance so that

like try and get some distance so that

like try and get some distance so that it doesn't feel like it's coming at you

it doesn't feel like it's coming at you

it doesn't feel like it's coming at you as as directly and if it does come at

as as directly and if it does come at

as as directly and if it does come at you kind of indulge it in the way that

you kind of indulge it in the way that

you kind of indulge it in the way that you would a boisterous child I'm not

you would a boisterous child I'm not

you would a boisterous child I'm not saying you think of them as children but

saying you think of them as children but

saying you think of them as children but like with a boisterous child you'll be

like with a boisterous child you'll be

like with a boisterous child you'll be like okay very good off you go like you

like okay very good off you go like you

like okay very good off you go like you try and get distance from it you don't

try and get distance from it you don't

try and get distance from it you don't make them feel bad but you make them

make them feel bad but you make them

make them feel bad but you make them feel like oh this is a little bit much

feel like oh this is a little bit much

feel like oh this is a little bit much for me you try and find quieter spaces

for me you try and find quieter spaces

for me you try and find quieter spaces to be in but that's that's one thing you

to be in but that's that's one thing you

to be in but that's that's one thing you do just so that you're coming in ready

do just so that you're coming in ready

do just so that you're coming in ready and and and with your defenses up as

and and and with your defenses up as

and and and with your defenses up as opposed to your defenses down and kind

opposed to your defenses down and kind

opposed to your defenses down and kind of resigned for this to be very very um

of resigned for this to be very very um

of resigned for this to be very very um difficult but the other thing is also to

difficult but the other thing is also to

difficult but the other thing is also to balance it out with distraction so if

balance it out with distraction so if

balance it out with distraction so if you need to gain space from somebody

you need to gain space from somebody

you need to gain space from somebody who's in your office and and being big

who's in your office and and being big

who's in your office and and being big and loud and whatever the thing is then

and loud and whatever the thing is then

and loud and whatever the thing is then then figure out how do I get space from

then figure out how do I get space from

then figure out how do I get space from that I can put on earphones I can try

that I can put on earphones I can try

that I can put on earphones I can try and distract myself I can seek out the

and distract myself I can seek out the

and distract myself I can seek out the quieter uh people I can you know like

quieter uh people I can you know like

quieter uh people I can you know like you want to just again problem solve how

you want to just again problem solve how

you want to just again problem solve how I get some space from those difficult

I get some space from those difficult

I get some space from those difficult people and and there's usually ways to

people and and there's usually ways to

people and and there's usually ways to do that and then if all else fails you

do that and then if all else fails you

do that and then if all else fails you can say to people hey guys I'm having

can say to people hey guys I'm having

can say to people hey guys I'm having you know a little preoccupied today so

you know a little preoccupied today so

you know a little preoccupied today so you do your thing don't mind me if I'm

you do your thing don't mind me if I'm

you do your thing don't mind me if I'm not participating as much so it doesn't

not participating as much so it doesn't

not participating as much so it doesn't look like you're judging or that you're

look like you're judging or that you're

look like you're judging or that you're not part of the group because you don't

not part of the group because you don't

not part of the group because you don't want to do that either but you can just

want to do that either but you can just

want to do that either but you can just let them know hey I I need some quiet

let them know hey I I need some quiet

let them know hey I I need some quiet time today so I'll be with my earphones

time today so I'll be with my earphones

time today so I'll be with my earphones over there and and you know continue

over there and and you know continue

over there and and you know continue without me as it were but but ask for

without me as it were but but ask for

without me as it were but but ask for what you need

what you need

what you need I I feel like the the the big subtext

I I feel like the the the big subtext

I I feel like the the the big subtext for so much of what you're offering is

for so much of what you're offering is

for so much of what you're offering is uh this idea of boundaries like setting

uh this idea of boundaries like setting

uh this idea of boundaries like setting these boundaries in in this in the

these boundaries in in this in the

these boundaries in in this in the workplace too or wherever you are um so

workplace too or wherever you are um so

workplace too or wherever you are um so that you know what you need and you

that you know what you need and you

that you know what you need and you communicate that to people around you um

communicate that to people around you um

communicate that to people around you um at the beginning of our conversation guy

at the beginning of our conversation guy

at the beginning of our conversation guy you mentioned that your talk um since

you mentioned that your talk um since

you mentioned that your talk um since you gave your first talk in 2015 you

you gave your first talk in 2015 you

you gave your first talk in 2015 you think things have actually gotten worse

think things have actually gotten worse

think things have actually gotten worse when it comes to the need for emotional

when it comes to the need for emotional

when it comes to the need for emotional first aid and the challenges that we're

first aid and the challenges that we're

first aid and the challenges that we're facing um and Kim K um Kim kimw excuse

facing um and Kim K um Kim kimw excuse

facing um and Kim K um Kim kimw excuse me asked a really um interesting

me asked a really um interesting

me asked a really um interesting question about um Humanity uh she wants

question about um Humanity uh she wants

question about um Humanity uh she wants to know can you speak about why humanity

to know can you speak about why humanity

to know can you speak about why humanity is becoming more stressful and more

is becoming more stressful and more

is becoming more stressful and more insecure in general this may be an

insecure in general this may be an

insecure in general this may be an opportunity to expand on some of the the

opportunity to expand on some of the the

opportunity to expand on some of the the reasoning why you think things are are

reasoning why you think things are are

reasoning why you think things are are much worse than they they were 10 years

much worse than they they were 10 years

much worse than they they were 10 years ago I mentioned before that we have

ago I mentioned before that we have

ago I mentioned before that we have these natural tendencies when it comes

these natural tendencies when it comes

these natural tendencies when it comes to emotional health to do the wrong

to emotional health to do the wrong

to emotional health to do the wrong thing to for example get rejected and

thing to for example get rejected and

thing to for example get rejected and become self critical to fail at

become self critical to fail at

become self critical to fail at something and generalize it into our

something and generalize it into our

something and generalize it into our competence in a more General way there

competence in a more General way there

competence in a more General way there is a you know there's a lot that we do

is a you know there's a lot that we do

is a you know there's a lot that we do in the mismanagement of our own

in the mismanagement of our own

in the mismanagement of our own emotional health that takes a bad

emotional health that takes a bad

emotional health that takes a bad situation and makes it worse and

situation and makes it worse and

situation and makes it worse and unfortunately the more stress we are

unfortunately the more stress we are

unfortunately the more stress we are under the more impacted we are by

under the more impacted we are by

under the more impacted we are by stressful and distressing events the

stressful and distressing events the

stressful and distressing events the more we do that so it becomes a vicious

more we do that so it becomes a vicious

more we do that so it becomes a vicious cycle in other words when things are

cycle in other words when things are

cycle in other words when things are better we were able to be our better

better we were able to be our better

better we were able to be our better selves and keep things at Bay when

selves and keep things at Bay when

selves and keep things at Bay when things are bad that's when our defense

things are bad that's when our defense

things are bad that's when our defense and our Cobe mechanisms function less

and our Cobe mechanisms function less

and our Cobe mechanisms function less effectively that's when we don't have

effectively that's when we don't have

effectively that's when we don't have the strength to set the boundary so we

the strength to set the boundary so we

the strength to set the boundary so we don't because we just can't deal with it

don't because we just can't deal with it

don't because we just can't deal with it but then we get impacted by the fact

but then we get impacted by the fact

but then we get impacted by the fact that we didn't set the boundary so

that we didn't set the boundary so

that we didn't set the boundary so there's this vicious cycle that when the

there's this vicious cycle that when the

there's this vicious cycle that when the world in general when the mental health

world in general when the mental health

world in general when the mental health of the world is in a difficult place we

of the world is in a difficult place we

of the world is in a difficult place we tend to make it worse loneliness is a

tend to make it worse loneliness is a

tend to make it worse loneliness is a really good example when you become

really good example when you become

really good example when you become lonely two perceptual distortions occur

lonely two perceptual distortions occur

lonely two perceptual distortions occur in your head number one the

in your head number one the

in your head number one the relationships that you do have seem less

relationships that you do have seem less

relationships that you do have seem less valuable than they actually are and the

valuable than they actually are and the

valuable than they actually are and the people who care about you seem to you to

people who care about you seem to you to

people who care about you seem to you to care less than they actually do and that

care less than they actually do and that

care less than they actually do and that prevents you from reaching out from

prevents you from reaching out from

prevents you from reaching out from trying to connect with these people for

trying to connect with these people for

trying to connect with these people for being proactive because it's like well

being proactive because it's like well

being proactive because it's like well they don't care anywhere and what's the

they don't care anywhere and what's the

they don't care anywhere and what's the point it's not even useful and so again

point it's not even useful and so again

point it's not even useful and so again it's one of those processes that gets

it's one of those processes that gets

it's one of those processes that gets deepened and deepened and deepened and

deepened and deepened and deepened and

deepened and deepened and deepened and then when people aren't reaching out to

then when people aren't reaching out to

then when people aren't reaching out to you you don't reach out to others and so

you you don't reach out to others and so

you you don't reach out to others and so the disconnect grows and then you avoid

the disconnect grows and then you avoid

the disconnect grows and then you avoid the inperson meetings because people

the inperson meetings because people

the inperson meetings because people aren't going to talk to you so that's

aren't going to talk to you so that's

aren't going to talk to you so that's just going to be painful so I'll just

just going to be painful so I'll just

just going to be painful so I'll just pass up and say no to the party say no

pass up and say no to the party say no

pass up and say no to the party say no to the Gathering say no to the drinks

to the Gathering say no to the drinks

to the Gathering say no to the drinks after work because I don't want to get

after work because I don't want to get

after work because I don't want to get rejected again but then you're missing

rejected again but then you're missing

rejected again but then you're missing out on the very people who could make

out on the very people who could make

out on the very people who could make you less lonely so in in part things are

you less lonely so in in part things are

you less lonely so in in part things are bad because we tend to

bad because we tend to

bad because we tend to um reinforce the bad when we're in a bad

um reinforce the bad when we're in a bad

um reinforce the bad when we're in a bad place emotionally it is a leap of faith

place emotionally it is a leap of faith

place emotionally it is a leap of faith and it takes courage when you are

and it takes courage when you are

and it takes courage when you are feeling really down when you're feeling

feeling really down when you're feeling

feeling really down when you're feeling really stressed or distressed or

really stressed or distressed or

really stressed or distressed or heartbroken or lonely showing up and

heartbroken or lonely showing up and

heartbroken or lonely showing up and putting yourself in situations that can

putting yourself in situations that can

putting yourself in situations that can make you feel better is a leap of faith

make you feel better is a leap of faith

make you feel better is a leap of faith it's very difficult to do and people are

it's very difficult to do and people are

it's very difficult to do and people are depressed they don't want to go out if

depressed they don't want to go out if

depressed they don't want to go out if they go out they feel much better for it

they go out they feel much better for it

they go out they feel much better for it but they don't have the motivation to do

but they don't have the motivation to do

but they don't have the motivation to do it so they literally have to force elves

it so they literally have to force elves

it so they literally have to force elves when every fiber in their body is saying

when every fiber in their body is saying

when every fiber in their body is saying like don't it's not going to be good

like don't it's not going to be good

like don't it's not going to be good don't do it stay home just take a deep

don't do it stay home just take a deep

don't do it stay home just take a deep breath take the LI of faith and say no

breath take the LI of faith and say no

breath take the LI of faith and say no this is good for me I need to do this

this is good for me I need to do this

this is good for me I need to do this isolating and withdrawing is not going

isolating and withdrawing is not going

isolating and withdrawing is not going to help me I need to be out there more

to help me I need to be out there more

to help me I need to be out there more so it's it's difficult to do it's it's

so it's it's difficult to do it's it's

so it's it's difficult to do it's it's effortful and people aren't aware that

effortful and people aren't aware that

effortful and people aren't aware that that effort is important that they have

that effort is important that they have

that effort is important that they have to override the aspect of themselves

to override the aspect of themselves

to override the aspect of themselves that saying no don't go it doesn't

that saying no don't go it doesn't

that saying no don't go it doesn't matter they don't care anyway to

matter they don't care anyway to

matter they don't care anyway to override that is difficult so that's why

override that is difficult so that's why

override that is difficult so that's why we're things are getting worse and

we're things are getting worse and

we're things are getting worse and that's the interruption that we have to

that's the interruption that we have to

that's the interruption that we have to introduce to that process by being in

introduce to that process by being in

introduce to that process by being in touch with how we feel by recognizing

touch with how we feel by recognizing

touch with how we feel by recognizing that it's completely normal to feel how

that it's completely normal to feel how

that it's completely normal to feel how we feel and that we then have to take a

we feel and that we then have to take a

we feel and that we then have to take a step that's going to feel wrong or

step that's going to feel wrong or

step that's going to feel wrong or difficult or not necessary to get Beyond

difficult or not necessary to get Beyond

difficult or not necessary to get Beyond it this is um so great and I think as we

it this is um so great and I think as we

it this is um so great and I think as we think about what's what's to come you

think about what's what's to come you

think about what's what's to come you know just January is right around the

know just January is right around the

know just January is right around the corner and many of us will have New

corner and many of us will have New

corner and many of us will have New Year's resolution

Year's resolution

Year's resolution what are you what are what is your New

what are you what are what is your New

what are you what are what is your New Year's resolution recommendation for

Year's resolution recommendation for

Year's resolution recommendation for people around emotional health what is a

people around emotional health what is a

people around emotional health what is a a good New Year's resolution connected

a good New Year's resolution connected

a good New Year's resolution connected to emotional health well I am very glad

to emotional health well I am very glad

to emotional health well I am very glad you asked the question in that way

you asked the question in that way

you asked the question in that way because you what is a good resolution

because you what is a good resolution

because you what is a good resolution the mistake we make with resolutions is

the mistake we make with resolutions is

the mistake we make with resolutions is they become the list becomes like a list

they become the list becomes like a list

they become the list becomes like a list you know at seven-year-old would write

you know at seven-year-old would write

you know at seven-year-old would write to Center you know it's just like we

to Center you know it's just like we

to Center you know it's just like we want to change everything it's like gut

want to change everything it's like gut

want to change everything it's like gut renovation inside and out um and then

renovation inside and out um and then

renovation inside and out um and then nothing gets done because we can't fix

nothing gets done because we can't fix

nothing gets done because we can't fix everything so when it comes to emotional

everything so when it comes to emotional

everything so when it comes to emotional health choose one thing and by the way

health choose one thing and by the way

health choose one thing and by the way if you achieve it in March choose

if you achieve it in March choose

if you achieve it in March choose another then you don't have to make

another then you don't have to make

another then you don't have to make resolutions just in January you can you

resolutions just in January you can you

resolutions just in January you can you can keep improving but it's much better

can keep improving but it's much better

can keep improving but it's much better to choose one thing now if that thing

to choose one thing now if that thing

to choose one thing now if that thing wasn't something you're doing

wasn't something you're doing

wasn't something you're doing automatically if that's a habit you want

automatically if that's a habit you want

automatically if that's a habit you want to try and get into you want to get into

to try and get into you want to get into

to try and get into you want to get into a gratitude habit um mindful meditation

a gratitude habit um mindful meditation

a gratitude habit um mindful meditation habit a kindness habit when know

habit a kindness habit when know

habit a kindness habit when know whatever the thing is is you want to

whatever the thing is is you want to

whatever the thing is is you want to like address the things that you need to

like address the things that you need to

like address the things that you need to address choose one thing and make make a

address choose one thing and make make a

address choose one thing and make make a very specific thought out plan one of

very specific thought out plan one of

very specific thought out plan one of the ingredients people miss all the time

the ingredients people miss all the time

the ingredients people miss all the time with resolutions is they don't quite

with resolutions is they don't quite

with resolutions is they don't quite decide when they'll start the assumption

decide when they'll start the assumption

decide when they'll start the assumption is January 2nd because January 1 is

is January 2nd because January 1 is

is January 2nd because January 1 is still after New Years and but you're not

still after New Years and but you're not

still after New Years and but you're not saying that specifically well that's a

saying that specifically well that's a

saying that specifically well that's a Tuesday so I'll start on a Sunday but

Tuesday so I'll start on a Sunday but

Tuesday so I'll start on a Sunday but you're not defining it and then people

you're not defining it and then people

you're not defining it and then people don't have the definition of when

don't have the definition of when

don't have the definition of when they're starting how they're doing it so

they're starting how they're doing it so

they're starting how they're doing it so make a plan figure out where you want to

make a plan figure out where you want to

make a plan figure out where you want to get to that's the goal of this

get to that's the goal of this

get to that's the goal of this resolution and then figure out what are

resolution and then figure out what are

resolution and then figure out what are the things that stand in your way what

the things that stand in your way what

the things that stand in your way what are the things that will prevent you

are the things that will prevent you

are the things that will prevent you from getting there and then make a list

from getting there and then make a list

from getting there and then make a list of those and then problem solve each one

of those and then problem solve each one

of those and then problem solve each one well if this happens I can do this or to

well if this happens I can do this or to

well if this happens I can do this or to prevent this from happening I can do

prevent this from happening I can do

prevent this from happening I can do that in other words it takes strategy it

that in other words it takes strategy it

that in other words it takes strategy it takes planning it takes effort again my

takes planning it takes effort again my

takes planning it takes effort again my message is you can do it just it does

message is you can do it just it does

message is you can do it just it does require effort it's not automatic so put

require effort it's not automatic so put

require effort it's not automatic so put in the effort to strategize and to plan

in the effort to strategize and to plan

in the effort to strategize and to plan a good strategy for how you're going to

a good strategy for how you're going to

a good strategy for how you're going to get from here to there with that one

get from here to there with that one

get from here to there with that one resolution when you're going to start

resolution when you're going to start

resolution when you're going to start and then off you go according to the

and then off you go according to the

and then off you go according to the time I love this put put in that work on

time I love this put put in that work on

time I love this put put in that work on that New Year's resolution it's not just

that New Year's resolution it's not just

that New Year's resolution it's not just uh your your wish list right it's right

uh your your wish list right it's right

uh your your wish list right it's right what is what's the what's actually G to

what is what's the what's actually G to

what is what's the what's actually G to take to make those things happen correct

take to make those things happen correct

take to make those things happen correct um well I mean I think along those lines

um well I mean I think along those lines

um well I mean I think along those lines people are are contemplating that um

people are are contemplating that um

people are are contemplating that um what is the one thing that you see from

what is the one thing that you see from

what is the one thing that you see from people um as it relates to emotional

people um as it relates to emotional

people um as it relates to emotional health uh that you think you wish more

health uh that you think you wish more

health uh that you think you wish more people would

people would

people would do I mentioned this internal voice we

do I mentioned this internal voice we

do I mentioned this internal voice we have right the the the the negative

have right the the the the negative

have right the the the the negative selft talk or the internal dialogue that

selft talk or the internal dialogue that

selft talk or the internal dialogue that we have with ourselves that the running

we have with ourselves that the running

we have with ourselves that the running commentary we tend to have in our head

commentary we tend to have in our head

commentary we tend to have in our head about our lives unfortunately the voices

about our lives unfortunately the voices

about our lives unfortunately the voices that we tend to use are voices from

that we tend to use are voices from

that we tend to use are voices from earlier in our lives and we tend to

earlier in our lives and we tend to

earlier in our lives and we tend to internalize critical voices difficult

internalize critical voices difficult

internalize critical voices difficult voices challenging voices um this is an

voices challenging voices um this is an

voices challenging voices um this is an opportunity to actually reparent

opportunity to actually reparent

opportunity to actually reparent ourselves to have an internal voice that

ourselves to have an internal voice that

ourselves to have an internal voice that we didn't get because no parents are

we didn't get because no parents are

we didn't get because no parents are perfect it just doesn't exist and so

perfect it just doesn't exist and so

perfect it just doesn't exist and so what internal voice could you have that

what internal voice could you have that

what internal voice could you have that would be understanding

would be understanding

would be understanding compassionate patient but not indulging

compassionate patient but not indulging

compassionate patient but not indulging not enabling hold you know like hold you

not enabling hold you know like hold you

not enabling hold you know like hold you to your expectations hold you to your

to your expectations hold you to your

to your expectations hold you to your goals you know like don't just like

goals you know like don't just like

goals you know like don't just like excuse things but do it with support

excuse things but do it with support

excuse things but do it with support with compassion if you had this amazing

with compassion if you had this amazing

with compassion if you had this amazing best friend who was always saying the

best friend who was always saying the

best friend who was always saying the right thing to you can that be you in

right thing to you can that be you in

right thing to you can that be you in your head because if you can do that

your head because if you can do that

your head because if you can do that that is immensely immensely powerful

that is immensely immensely powerful

that is immensely immensely powerful because you will be approaching yourself

because you will be approaching yourself

because you will be approaching yourself with respect with

with respect with

with respect with expectation you will be looking at what

expectation you will be looking at what

expectation you will be looking at what your potential is and all the things you

your potential is and all the things you

your potential is and all the things you could be and thinking of yourselves in

could be and thinking of yourselves in

could be and thinking of yourselves in that way and pushing yourself to be

that way and pushing yourself to be

that way and pushing yourself to be those things and not being too hard on

those things and not being too hard on

those things and not being too hard on yourself when you're not but saying all

yourself when you're not but saying all

yourself when you're not but saying all right if that didn't work let's figure

right if that didn't work let's figure

right if that didn't work let's figure out why and what you can do differently

out why and what you can do differently

out why and what you can do differently so it's there's accountability there but

so it's there's accountability there but

so it's there's accountability there but with compassion and with kind

with compassion and with kind

with compassion and with kind and with caring if you can adopt an

and with caring if you can adopt an

and with caring if you can adopt an internal voice like that that would be

internal voice like that that would be

internal voice like that that would be amazing well that's my resolution for

amazing well that's my resolution for

amazing well that's my resolution for sure is to become your own best friend

sure is to become your own best friend

sure is to become your own best friend that's amazing um and such great advice

that's amazing um and such great advice

that's amazing um and such great advice well I think you've offered us so many

well I think you've offered us so many

well I think you've offered us so many good tips I can't wait to write down a

good tips I can't wait to write down a

good tips I can't wait to write down a lot of these I'm I would love to hear

lot of these I'm I would love to hear

lot of these I'm I would love to hear from you if people are feeling like okay

from you if people are feeling like okay

from you if people are feeling like okay there's so much here what do I what do I

there's so much here what do I what do I

there's so much here what do I what do I remember what is the the one thing we

remember what is the the one thing we

remember what is the the one thing we should take away from this conversation

should take away from this conversation

should take away from this conversation if we forget everything else

if we forget everything else

if we forget everything else that emotional health is possible and

that emotional health is possible and

that emotional health is possible and it's doable but to do it you need to be

it's doable but to do it you need to be

it's doable but to do it you need to be informed and you need to be willing to

informed and you need to be willing to

informed and you need to be willing to work so when people talk about

work so when people talk about

work so when people talk about self-improvement doing the work it means

self-improvement doing the work it means

self-improvement doing the work it means this it means the effort it's mean

this it means the effort it's mean

this it means the effort it's mean people go to the gym you know like five

people go to the gym you know like five

people go to the gym you know like five hours a week if you spend half the time

hours a week if you spend half the time

hours a week if you spend half the time in the gym then you do about correcting

in the gym then you do about correcting

in the gym then you do about correcting things over here oh you'll be really far

things over here oh you'll be really far

things over here oh you'll be really far ahead of the game so so take it

ahead of the game so so take it

ahead of the game so so take it seriously realize that I can change how

seriously realize that I can change how

seriously realize that I can change how I feel and how I think and and and and

I feel and how I think and and and and

I feel and how I think and and and and how I'm what's going on in my life if I

how I'm what's going on in my life if I

how I'm what's going on in my life if I take myself seriously and do the things

take myself seriously and do the things

take myself seriously and do the things that are best for me that are healthiest

that are best for me that are healthiest

that are best for me that are healthiest for me that will move me

for me that will move me

for me that will move me forward um well guys we're nearing the

forward um well guys we're nearing the

forward um well guys we're nearing the end of this conversation um you have

end of this conversation um you have

end of this conversation um you have done so many incredible things uh with

done so many incredible things uh with

done so many incredible things uh with Ted You' as I mentioned at the top

Ted You' as I mentioned at the top

Ted You' as I mentioned at the top you've given three talks on three very

you've given three talks on three very

you've given three talks on three very different subjects um I think a lot of

different subjects um I think a lot of

different subjects um I think a lot of people are probably ious about what's

people are probably ious about what's

people are probably ious about what's next for you well um what's next is a I

next for you well um what's next is a I

next for you well um what's next is a I have a new book that'll be coming out in

have a new book that'll be coming out in

have a new book that'll be coming out in a year or so it's called Mind Over grind

a year or so it's called Mind Over grind

a year or so it's called Mind Over grind how to break free when work hijacks your

how to break free when work hijacks your

how to break free when work hijacks your life and it is a you know it is the the

life and it is a you know it is the the

life and it is a you know it is the the the the manual for the human mind that

the the manual for the human mind that

the the manual for the human mind that you need to take with you to work

you need to take with you to work

you need to take with you to work because all the things I've spoken about

because all the things I've spoken about

because all the things I've spoken about in terms of being thoughtful and

in terms of being thoughtful and

in terms of being thoughtful and intentional and deliberate and thinking

intentional and deliberate and thinking

intentional and deliberate and thinking about things in a certain way and being

about things in a certain way and being

about things in a certain way and being proactive this all applies to work and

proactive this all applies to work and

proactive this all applies to work and to the impact work has on our lives and

to the impact work has on our lives and

to the impact work has on our lives and so this is a book that will help people

so this is a book that will help people

so this is a book that will help people be emotionally healthier more productive

be emotionally healthier more productive

be emotionally healthier more productive at work and do things in a way that will

at work and do things in a way that will

at work and do things in a way that will minimize their stress we don't have to

minimize their stress we don't have to

minimize their stress we don't have to wait it will be nice if you know the

wait it will be nice if you know the

wait it will be nice if you know the companies change but we don't have to

companies change but we don't have to

companies change but we don't have to wait for the companies to change there

wait for the companies to change there

wait for the companies to change there is much more we can do to reduce the

is much more we can do to reduce the

is much more we can do to reduce the grind by being a bit smarter in the mind

grind by being a bit smarter in the mind

grind by being a bit smarter in the mind well I'm excited for that and I'm I'm

well I'm excited for that and I'm I'm

well I'm excited for that and I'm I'm sure I speak for a lot of people on this

sure I speak for a lot of people on this

sure I speak for a lot of people on this um call at this event and saying that uh

um call at this event and saying that uh

um call at this event and saying that uh it's it is something that we're on the

it's it is something that we're on the

it's it is something that we're on the lookout for it so I can't wait to read

lookout for it so I can't wait to read

lookout for it so I can't wait to read that and thank you for sharing that with

that and thank you for sharing that with

that and thank you for sharing that with us guy and thank you for sharing your

us guy and thank you for sharing your

us guy and thank you for sharing your time and all of this wisdom um this has

time and all of this wisdom um this has

time and all of this wisdom um this has been really inspiring thought-provoking

been really inspiring thought-provoking

been really inspiring thought-provoking I feel like there's a lot of things we

I feel like there's a lot of things we

I feel like there's a lot of things we could all take away from this so thank

could all take away from this so thank

could all take away from this so thank you thank you for having me

you thank you for having me

you thank you for having me [Music]