How to pronounce "regulators"

Hello, everybody,

I am delighted to be here

and grateful to all of you

for joining us for this discussion.

In 2015,

I gave a TEDx Talk

in a little elementary school auditorium,

and much to my surprise,

the talk became one of the 10 most-viewed talks

in the history of TED.

And in that talk, I conveyed one simple scientific finding.

The finding that when we study hundreds of people

over their entire adult lives,

the people who turn out to be the happiest and the healthiest

are those who have good, warm connections to others.

So today, I want to take you deeper into this whole subject,

by exploring how relationships matter in our lives,

how they affect our health,

what kinds of relationships give us this big benefit in happiness,

and which tools you can start using today to make your relationship stronger.

So I do direct this Harvard Study of Adult Development.

It's, as far as we know, the longest study of the same people

that's ever been done, following people since 1938.

From adolescence all the way through old age,

and now following all of their children,

thousands of lives.

And we began to find,

about 30 years ago,

this startling connection between warm relationships

and how good our lives feel to us,

our well-being,

and also the fact that warm relationships seemed to keep people

both physically stronger and kept their brains sharper

as they grew older.

And we didn't believe the data at first.

We thought, how could this be

that relationships actually get into our bodies

and shape our health?

But then other studies began to find the same thing.

We found that people had less depression,

they were less likely to get diabetes and heart disease,

that they recovered faster from illness

when they had better connections with other people.

So then the question is: How could this work?

How do relationships shape our happiness and our physical health?

Well, one of the best theories,

for which there's now some pretty good evidence,

is based on the idea of stress.

That, as we know, stress is an inevitable part of all of our lives.

Stress happens to us every day.

And what we find is that good relationships

turn out to be stress regulators.

So let me give you an example.

Let's say that I have something upsetting happen to me during the day,

and I find myself, like, ruminating about it

and really thinking about it and unhappy.

I can feel my body go into what we call fight or flight response

where literally my heart rate goes up

and I might start sweating a little bit

and I'm just not feeling as well.

Now, what we're meant to do is to come back to equilibrium

when a stressor goes away.

That's the way the body is supposed to work.

But what happens if I go home at the end of my upsetting day

and I have somebody to talk to?

Either I can call someone on the phone or it's somebody I live with.

I can literally feel my body calm down.

I can feel that fight or flight response subside.

But what if I don't have anybody to go home to?

What if there's nobody I can call?

What we find is that people who are isolated, are lonely,

don't have those stress regulators that we get from good relationships

and that we stay in chronic fight or flight mode,

that our bodies have this chronic stress,

chronic levels of inflammation

and circulating stress hormones that wear away our happiness

and break down different body systems.

Well, what kinds of relationships seem essential to well-being?

And this is interesting.

We asked people

who were our original participants in our study.

We asked them,

Who could you call in the middle of the night if you were sick or scared?

And many of our people could list several other people they could call

if they were in trouble.

Some people couldn't list anyone.

There wasn't a person on the planet who they could turn to

if they were sick or scared.

And what we find is that having at least one person in your life

who you feel really has your back,

who you could go to if you were in trouble,

that's essential for maintaining our happiness and our health.

When we asked these same people,

when they got to be in their 80s,

to look back on their lives

and to tell us what they were proudest of,

almost everybody said something about their relationships.

They didn't say, "I made a lot of money"

or "I won some big awards."

They said,

"I was a good mentor,"

"I was a good friend,"

"I raised healthy kids,"

"I was a good partner."

And so what we find

is that what seems to mean the most to people

when they get to the end of their lives

is the strength and the warmth of their connections to others.

So then the question comes up, well,

which types of relationships support our well-being?

Some people have asked,

"Do I need to be in an intimate relationship to get this benefit?"

Absolutely not.

All types of relationships support our well-being.

So friendships, relatives,

work colleagues, casual contacts.

The person who gets you your coffee every morning

at Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts,

the person who checks you out in the grocery store,

who you see maybe every week.

Even talking to strangers has that benefit.

So they did an experiment

where they assigned some people who were about to go on the subway

the task of talking to a stranger

while other people were assigned the task

of just doing their usual thing of being on their phones

or listening to music or reading.

It turned out that the people who were assigned to talk to strangers

didn't think they were going to like it,

but they turned out to be much happier at the end of the task

than the people who just rode the subway keeping to themselves.

So even talking to strangers gives us that little hit of well-being

from relationships.

So the question comes up:

How can we strengthen our connections with other people?

And this is where we've come to think about it

as a kind of social fitness.

If we think about physical fitness,

you know, we we think, OK, I'll go to the gym,

I’ll work out, I’ll take a long walk,

I'll do something to keep myself strong and fit.

But then we come home and we don't say, I'm done,

I don't ever have to do that again.

We have the sense that physical fitness is a practice

that we need to maintain over time.

It turns out that social fitness is the same.

That in fact, our friendships,

our relationships don't just take care of themselves,

that even good relationships need tending to,

they need attention.

They need returning to them over and over again.

So what are some ways that we can strengthen our relationships?

Well, one way is to be proactive, to take the initiative.

So to reach out to a friend

and ask her to take a walk

instead of spending two more hours on your laptop

this weekend on Saturday afternoon.

Establish some routines with the people

who are most important to you.

A regular phone call or a coffee every Saturday

with someone you really want to be sure you see regularly.

Or meeting somebody at the gym.

Or having lunch with a coworker.

The other thing we can do is liven up those long-standing relationships,

particularly like the people we live with.

You know, people we can come to take for granted,

by proposing to do something new.

Going out on a date,

just taking a walk, if that's not your usual routine.

The other thing that we know works to help people,

particularly who aren't as connected to others as they want to be,

is to connect around shared interests.

So volunteer in the community

to do something that you care about.

It might be a gardening club, it might be a bowling league,

it might be a political cause.

But to do something that you care about

because then you're with other people who care about the same thing,

and that's a natural place to start conversations

that can lead to ongoing relationships.

And finally,

get more comfortable striking up casual conversations.

That's something we can learn to be more comfortable with,

almost like exercising a muscle.

So now,

I would like to ask you to do one of these things,

to make one of these choices that we can make every day.

I'd like you to make that choice right now.

Here’s my challenge to you:

think about someone you miss,

that you just haven't seen in a while

or you haven't had contact with,

and you'd like to make contact.

You don't even have to have a particular reason.

Now I want you to take out your phone or whatever device you use, right now,

and send that person just a little note.

It could say, "I'm just thinking of you and wanted to connect."

Or you could say something more personal to you and to your relationship.

And then watch what comes back to you.

And while we're here,

we may even have time to share with each other

some of the responses that people get when they do this.

So think of someone.

And make contact right now.

The point of this simple exercise

is to remind us that even small actions

can have ripple effects that build our well-being.

And that these are things you can do every day in the moment.

Thank you.

Whitney Pennington Rodgers: One way I'd love to kick things off,

Bob, you mentioned, at the top of your talk,

that you run this Harvard Study of Adult Development

and gave us sort of a snippet of what that is.

But could you tell us a little bit more about the study,

what does it track?

Why did it start, who’s in the study today?

Robert Waldinger: Absolutely.

The study started in 1938,

and it started with two groups:

a group of Harvard College undergrads,

and it started with a group of inner city boys

who were in elementary school or middle school

from really disadvantaged, troubled families.

And each study was trying to look

at how people can take healthy developmental paths.

And so the idea was not to study what goes wrong in our lives

but what goes right in our lives.

And some of the factors that contribute to helping things go well

in human development.

Needless to say, we started out with boys, all males,

but we’ve added women.

And we have more than half women now,

and we've added the second generation.

So we started out with 724 people.

Now we have over 2,000 people in our study

and we're still collecting data today.

WPR: Wow.

And I know in the book you talk about ...

how the advice you offer,

the wisdom you offer is not just drawn from your own study

because of some of what you've suggested,

that you're just now starting to bring women and different generations.

And I guess could you talk about some of the other gaps

and why it's been important to also think about some

of the other studies out there on life and happiness?

RW: Yes, that's a really good point,

because, particularly in this kind of research,

no single study is proof of anything.

That what we want is for different studies of different populations.

So different ethnic groups, different cultural groups,

different geographies, right?

We want different studies to point in the same direction.

And that's why I'm here and I can tell you with confidence,

many studies point to all these same benefits of relationships.

WPR: And I know you touched on the health element in your talk

and shared that there is data that reveals that we have --

that there's a strong connection between happiness and health.

What have you specifically found related to happiness and health outcomes?

RW: What we find is that happiness

turns out to make us age more slowly

and keep us able longer.

So the diseases of aging that happen to all of us, happen later,

sometimes they don't happen at all

in people who are happier have a greater sense of well-being.

And it's because of what I spoke about a few minutes ago,

this kind of decrease in chronic inflammation and chronic stress.

And so what we find is that -- we can't guarantee

that any one person is going to stay happier or live longer

if they have better relationships,

but we find that there are these ingredients,

just like taking care of your health --

you know, not smoking, not abusing alcohol or drugs,

exercising regularly,

getting regular health care,

having access to health care.

All of those things really matter for our health.

WPR: And you start the book with a question.

You say, "If you had to make one life choice right now

to set yourself on the path to future health and happiness,

what would it be?"

And from hearing your talk today,

we know that the right answer to that question

is to build more warm connections.

But I want to ask you about the use of the word "choice" there

and understanding more about whether or not having warm connections

is a choice that we make

or, to put it another way,

are there qualities that each of us have that maybe make us more social people

and that these are just baked into our personalities?

Can we decide to be a person who makes connections?

RW: That's a really important point because we differ.

We are all different in how much connection we want and benefit from.

So some of us are introverts, and that’s just fine.

That's perfectly normal.

And introverts don't want a lot of connections.

In fact, being with a lot of people is exhausting for introverts.

And so some people just need one or two good relationships.

Everybody needs a little bit of connection.

But some people actually don't need a lot.

And so what we want to do is try to figure out for ourselves

what's right for me.

And that involves, really, just tuning in and saying,

"OK, I'm energized by being with a lot of people,

so I'm going to do that,"

or "No, I'm exhausted by being with a lot of people.

For me, you know, a quiet conversation with one person

is the most energizing thing I can do in the interpersonal realm."

And so it's really a matter of discerning what's right for each person.

WPR: And what factors have you found contribute to that?

Maybe things from early in life or childhood

that might actually shape our ability to make these connections later in life?

RW: Yes, so, many of our social skills we learn when we're growing up.

We learn it in our families,

we learn it at school and on the playground.

They can be learned, and they can be improved

as we get into adulthood.

They’re not set in stone once we’re done with childhood.

So it's really important to see the ways that, you know,

just like some of the suggestions I made,

ways that you can practice getting better at this,

because it really pays off.

But some people are not so good at this.

And they can have perfectly wonderful,

happy, healthy lives

without being social butterflies and extroverts.

And I just want to name that

so that people don't go away thinking,

"Gosh, if I'm not an extrovert, I'm out of luck."

Not true at all.

Many of our happiest people had quieter lives.

WPR: And you know, I guess to the tips that you offered in the talk, you know,

you talked about how we can build warm connections,

steps that we can take.

And this idea of social fitness.

And so I'm curious how can we actually assess our social fitness,

and as you said, to sort of, understand what is right for us

in terms of how many friends to have.

And is it possible to sustain warm relationships

if you aren't really intentional in thinking about your social fitness?

RW: That question of how do we assess our social fitness,

it's really checking in and saying,

am I as connected as I would like to be

to other people?

And if I'm not, what am I missing?

So not all relationships provide us with the same stuff.

Some relationships are relationships we have because they're fun,

you know?

And so they're the people I like to go out and party with.

Some relationships are the relationships that help me when I'm scared or hurting

or worried about something.

And I need someone to talk things over with.

I need a sounding board, a good advisor.

Some relationships are the people who, you know,

loan me tools when I need to fix something and I don't have the right tool

or give me a ride to the doctor.

So part of it is checking in about, what am I missing?

And then seeing what might be possible

in terms of developing more of the relationships

that give us the things we want more of.

WPR: And along those same lines, TED Member Tiana wants to know:

How do we define if a relationship is actually meaningful or not?

I mean, it sounds like understanding what these voices are saying,

but are there other things we should pay attention to, to know if it's valuable,

if this is a warm connection?

RW: One way to think about it

is not whether the relationship is smooth all the time,

but whether we feel that we can be authentic,

we can be ourselves in a relationship.

And obviously, we won't be the same selves

in a work relationship that we might be with our, you know, beloved sister,

you know.

But still, can I be myself in the most essential ways?

Can I express myself?

And can the other person express themselves?

Because I think that's where --

what we really want is to feel known

and to feel seen

and not to feel like we are having to maintain a façade

that hides who we are.

And so the best relationships are those where we feel we can be ourselves.

WPR: And you talked about how, really, it's romantic relationships, friendships,

acquaintances,

I mean, all of these relationships matter.

But do you find that one of these is maybe more significant than the other,

or how do you look at them?

RW: I look at it in terms of the secure attachment we think about.

Attachment is a word for being warmly, securely connected.

It’s the “Who can you call in the middle of the night if you’re sick or scared?”

So I think of it in those terms,

not necessarily the person's role, defined role in our life,

like romantic partner or boss.

But it’s the “Does this person have my back?”

And so that's, I think, the defining element

that we want to find somewhere in our world.

WPR: So we have so many member questions coming in, Bob,

and I'm going to kind of go through a few more of them.

So TED Member Nancy wants to know if you think it’s possible

for an endemically unhappy person at some point in life to obtain happiness.

RW: Yes. And thank you for asking that question.

So we have a couple of life stories in our book,

the book contains real stories of real people.

The names are disguised to protect confidentiality.

But some of those stories are of people who have big turnarounds late in life,

people who were isolated and less happy

and in their 60s found a whole community.

One man found a community at a gym

that he never dreamed he would find.

And so the message that we get from studying these thousands of lives is:

it is never too late.

And so don't assume that it's too late for you,

even if you feel like you've not had good luck with this in the past.

WPR: Well, Bob, we're getting some questions about you.

And I want to turn to you for a second.

And I'm curious how running this study has changed the way you approach life

and your own pursuit of happiness.

RW: Oh, gosh.

Well, one of the things it's helped me with is the idea

that everybody has struggles in their life.

That has been so meaningful to me

because I can also look at the world and say,

"Gee, other people seem to have lives

that have it all figured out and perfect lives."

It is so helpful to know

that there isn't a person on the planet

who doesn't have struggles.

And it makes me feel less alone when I can recognize that.

And that's one of the reasons why I want to keep getting these messages out,

after having studied thousands of lives.

And I think the other thing that it's changed is my own priorities.

So I realize,

OK, I can sit here this afternoon and edit another paper

or do more work,

or I can see my friend who I haven't seen in a month.

And so I’ve become more active in taking care of my relationships,

and it makes a big difference.

So I would say that those are the two big things for me

that directing this study has changed about my life.

WPR: We have a question from TED Member Nesa.

They ask: “As a mother of two very young children,

what advice do you have for parents to build strong,

healthy relationships,

now through adulthood?"

RW: For parents,

it’s really helping your children to pay attention

to how they feel

and to learn to use their feelings with more choice.

So learning to love what they love and hang on to what they love,

even if it's not so popular.

You know, I had a mother talk to me

about how her child really loved doing improv comedy.

And he’s only 12,

and his friends don't like that.

And so we talked about how do you help your child feel supported

in loving what he loves and taking an improv class, right?

So helping your kids learn that it's OK to love something

that's not the same as all the other kids in their group

and keep loving what they love.

And helping kids learn that it’s OK to be unhappy

and that that will pass,

that feelings come and go.

That it’s OK to disagree.

Families can model,

parents can model for kids.

We can have disagreements.

We can work it out and and hold on to these good relationships

even through disagreements.

Those are some of the biggest lessons we can help our children with,

about how to use their feelings

rather than kind of, be buffeted by their feelings

and ruled by their feelings.

WPR: I'm curious just where you see the study going from here.

RW: We are collecting more data, even as we speak.

We are collecting more information from the children.

Almost all the original participants have passed away,

but their children are all Baby Boomers, on average.

And so we're collecting information,

including about what life was like during the pandemic.

Also collecting information about how they use social media,

which is something we've all been talking about a bit here.

And I think in terms of the future,

we see ourselves as wanting to make our data available

to more and more researchers.

So we want to collaborate, and we do collaborate,

with other research groups.

We say, come in and use our data

and ask new questions that we don’t even think to ask.

Because we have this treasure trove of information about thousands of lives.

And then we're going to make it publicly available on public websites,

because, you know, much of our work

has been funded by the federal government,

by NIH, with taxpayer money.

And so we feel a responsibility to make this information available

to other researchers

who want to ask their own questions about our data.

WPR: Well, Bob, you’ve shared so many great things with us.

You know, I feel like if people were listening

and trying to absorb all of it,

and at the very end of this conversation

you want just one nugget of information, that if you missed everything,

what is the one thing that you want everyone to walk away from,

at the end of this conversation?

RW: That if you want to make one choice today

that will make you healthier and happier,

it is to pay attention to improving your connections with other people.

That that is such a good investment, and it will pay off for years to come.

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