I'm a therapist whose job it is to help
people create healthier relationships.
And let me tell you,
it can be really hard
to tell someone what you need.
It takes a lot of courage
to stand up and say,
"This is the way I want to be treated."
Most of us aren't so great at vocalizing
to the people in our lives
what makes us feel respected and valued.
It's true with friends, family, partners,
and it's also true at work.
You've got to set healthy boundaries.
[The Way We Work]
Boundaries can be an intimidating term,
but they're very simply the expectations
and needs that help us feel safe
and comfortable in relationships.
Work is the relationship
we spend the most time in,
and yet it's also the place where we have
the hardest time setting limits.
We're scared that people
won't see us as a team player.
Our employers have boundaries built in,
like the time your workday begins
and how many vacation days you can have.
But work boundaries
need to be a two-way street:
boundaries for your employer
and boundaries for you.
Setting them can help you feel happier
and more fulfilled in your roles,
not to mention less exhausted
and overwhelmed at work.
We often assume that other people
have the same rules for life as we do.
We think they can tell our preferences
and know our feelings
from our body language.
But no one, not the people
you've known for years
and certainly not your coworkers,
can read your mind.
You have to explicitly
state what you need.
Communicating what works for us
is one of the kindest things we can do.
The short-term discomfort is so worth it
for the long-term ease of having
healthier boundaries in the workplace.
Here are three steps
to help you get started.
Step one: identify the boundaries
you need to set.
There are so many different kinds.
For example,
you can tell a colleague what hours
you are and aren't available to work.
You can share that you need to leave
the office promptly at five
to pick up your children
or that you log off fully
on the weekends to really recharge.
You can tell them how you
prefer to communicate,
that you enjoy talking by phone
rather than instant messaging or texting.
Especially with your bosses,
you can set boundaries
around how you like feedback.
You can say, "I work best
with clear deadlines.
Can you please set one?"
Or you can tell them you like
written notes on your work
so you have time to digest the feedback.
You can set boundaries
on how you interact with people socially.
For example,
“It makes me feel uncomfortable
when you share gossip at my desk.”
Or “No, I’m not interested
in drinks after work,
but I'd love to go
to a yoga class with you."
You can even set boundaries
around your calendar
and ask that people ask you
before throwing a meeting on it
as you prefer to be aware
of what your day looks like.
Step two: think about how and when
to make the statement.
Boundaries are like classroom rules.
You want to set them as early as possible.
People do it all the time
in the job seeking process.
They may say something like,
“I have vacation planned for these dates.
Will I be able to take my vacation?"
If we can go into a new work environment
and with people already knowing
what we can and can't do,
that's a beautiful way to show up.
If that feels like too much,
orientation can be a great time
to set boundaries.
When your supervisor tells you the workday
ends at six, just flow it in.
"That's perfect.
I need to leave work at six."
One boundary I want you to set right away
is to take every single day
of paid vacation.
You’ve earned it, you need the rest,
and recharging is good
for work-life balance.
And by the way, it's perfectly acceptable
to set boundaries for yourself
when you notice something in the workday
isn't making you feel good.
So if you get a headache
when you have five meetings in a day,
tell yourself that four
will be your maximum.
If you get anxious
trying to respond to 200 emails
on Monday morning,
don't do that first thing.
Break it up in half-hour increments
throughout the day.
I have a set of boundaries around my work.
For me, I like working
in 30-minute chunks.
I don't like answering
every email as soon as I get it.
I like sitting with the information
before I respond.
You have to set in motion
those new habits
and practices that will
make you feel at ease.
And now comes the most important
part of the process.
Step three: you have to stick
to the boundaries you set.
If you say you're not available after six,
don't respond to the group chat.
If you say you're not
available on weekends,
don't be available on weekends.
When you respond to emails
or agree to look at that proposal
out of those bounds,
you're teaching people
that the boundary isn't real,
that it’s OK to violate it.
Consistency is really key here.
That might mean restating
the boundary more than once.
That might mean reminding yourself
why you set the boundary
in the first place.
Setting boundaries is hard at first,
but the more you do it,
the easier it gets.
Boundaries are contagious.
Once you start to consistently
implement them, others will, too.
You might be the inspiration
that helps them set better boundaries.
Even if they don't have
the courage right now,
it's now in the back of their mind.